"I Had a Dream..."--Gabriel

I lay in bed with a thousand thoughts running through my head. None of them peaceful. It was Sunday night and the day before exhausted all the life in my eyes and body. Not because the physical tasks of the day had been strenuous, but a mental war had been waged in my head by religion. I had a feeling of who I was but every Sunday that was stripped from my being. The words scourged my back and the cross I carried grew too heavy. I could not allow myself to continue to fall to my knees in agony every week. As a child, I had prayed to God to change who I was. I had questioned my purpose for being born this way, in a way I could not understand. No one else understood that I had no choice in this matter, it was not a lifestyle but rather cycle of confusion and self-hatred. The torture inflicted by others for being gay was not one I could have possibly wanted but was bestowed upon me for a reason I could not understand yet. And I thought maybe I could tonight. I prayed again— maybe tonight He would answer. I doubted it though. I thought a God so just could accept me in his arms in Heaven, but I thought that maybe being pestered by homophobia every Sunday was a sign telling me otherwise. I could not understand why a God so just could let me live with this fear of no matter how holy I could live, that any of these attempts were futile because my final destination would be and always would be Hell. I hoped the God I was taught about in catechism was forgiving to me. But I had dreams that my life would be so much better than the one I lived. I closed my eyes. 

I opened my eyes to see myself standing above a valley blooming in the warm, brisk cusp of late spring and early June. A vineyard stretches in all directions only to be stopped by the embrace of the nearby brown brush hills. A small adobe structure resides in the center-right of the valley. I stand above a sepia colored world alone.
I bask for awhile, letting the warmth and light of this early afternoon air titillate my skin. I close my eyes. Despite this gesture of relaxation, the sun invites itself beyond my eyelids and illuminates crimson flesh. 

I feel myself lift from the ground, effortlessly and weightlessly, and soon the mellow valley air brushes my exposed flesh as I descend into the valley below. Although I’m moving swiftly, I see vividly every detail and texture that nature has born and I feel each individual drying grape leaf scratch my feet as I motion toward the adobe structure.

My feet meet earth again and I stand in front of the line structure that I can now perceive as a house. My hands glaze the warm clay walls baking in the sun and absorb the emptiness of the valley pulsate into my hand. 

I find myself in this foreign world but find peace and comfort as if I lived here my whole life. Although this structure before me stands, like an oracle, the house tells me no man has ever stepped foot on this soil. This vineyard is not mapped on any map, has been explored by no human or animal, and is even unknown to God. I, alone, belong to this vineyard and it belonged to me. Untouched by civilization, untouched by the laws of God, I made it my home. It was the ultimate liberation. Unlike the fallen rebellion of Heaven, I had made my peace with God but had to live a truth I could not live on Earth. Here, I found that truth. I stand in this world alone, peaceful. 

I awake in a cold sweat, dumbfounded by the world I had just visited. But all at once, I realize it to be a dream and with great disappointment and agony, I lie awake with my eyes closed in the dark— without the crimson filtered flesh and without peace. I lay in a world alone, lost. In my thoughts, I had decided that I would attempt to understand my situation tomorrow night and if not then, then maybe another night, but I had a feeling this war would continue for many more years.