Father, Stretch My Hands--Alexia

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said or never explained.
Walking into the room I was greeted with hugs and smiles on everyone's faces, I was happy. Then, my surroundings shifted and confusion filled me. Instead of this sunny day it was now this gloomy atmosphere where the last rose had died. Everything happened so fast and none of it made sense to me, for I was so young and innocent to understand the meaning of death. The realization of never seeing my father again and creating quality memories with him had yet to hit me. I sat in the front pew of the church observing the dark scenery, seeing the wet faces, and hearing the mourning in my relatives voices. I didn’t realize someone so close to me would now be moving so far away from me, eternally. As the years progressed my being began to face the reality. In elementary school the teachers always had the students make cards for mothers and fathers day to give to the respective parent. Every year my brother and I would end up giving the father day cards to our grandpa because he was the only male figure that my brother and I saw periodically. One year though different than the others, I asked my mom why my brother and I had to make the cards if we didn't have a dad. She exclaimed that not only was she our mother but she was our father too. I had never realized that my mom had took the role of the double parent standard and did everything in her power to make my twin brother and I happy. She spoiled us and ensured we were always taken care of. My mother took the part of the mother and the father role. Yet there was always this longing

question of the importance and significance my dad had played in my life. My mother never brought my father up after he passed away, never asked us, my brother and I how we felt about the situation but, I’d like to know more about my father and the importance he played in the short four years he spent with me. I want to meet the family I never knew on my dads side, to hear the significance he played in their lives. I've learned that sometimes life is short but the story behind it is endless. Discovering more about my father will help me discover more about myself, my characteristics and the dad that many people say I resembled.
The topic of my father being gone comes to be so uncomfortable that it's been fourteen years since the death of my father and I never have asked my mother what the cause of my fathers death was. I've never really gathered how my mother dealt with the death of my dad. I sometimes wonder if the death of my father ever meant anything to my mom. Perhaps my mom is just an isionalist and isolates herself from fact that he’s gone. He may be gone but that doesnt mean he has to be out of the picture. As years passed I always wondered if I knew my father was previously ill could I have done something or said something that would have prevented his death. If I had prayed would God had rescued him from this illness. The surprise of his death still shocks me today, if I had known he was ill maybe I would've tried to make even more memories and fulfill his last wishes, but I didn't know. I didn't know i wouldn't see him again. From what i've heard many say my dad was stubborn and always saw the positive in life, in fact many say I

resemble him. Sometimes in moments of silence I picture my wedding day where my dad would walk me down the aisle but then the cloud crushes knowing he's gone.
I’d like to know more about my father and the importance he played in the short four years he spent with me. I want to meet the family I never knew on my dads side, to hear the significance he played in their lives. I've learned that sometimes life is short but the story behind it is endless. Discovering more about my father will help me discover more about myself, my characteristics and the dad that many people say I resembled .