It's hard to think everything is gonna be alright at such a time like this but all she could do is
hope. She wrapped her arm around the three small children as they hid down in the cellar. She
looked up trying to remember if she locked the door she looks back down as she hears the
small whimpers of the 8 year old , they hear the heavy footsteps of the men upstairs. She quites
the children so the me didn't hear them. All she knew is that they were three big men so when
they broke in from the from the mom's room and stayed there she ran grabbed all the kids and
rushed them to the cellar she called 911 but didn't know when they would get there because the
signal cut off . In her head she repeated
" I will take a bullet for these kids "
One of the little girls looked up and you could see her tearful and scared eyes as she asked
" what's happening? Are we going to be okay?"
The older girl didn't know what to say so she just said
"yes we're going to be alright"
even though we had our doubts she wanted to give them hope. All that was heard from upstairs
was glass shattering at random times so we would sit with our hands over our mouths hoping
our cries would be muted as they got more and more terrified.
The jiggling of the handle silenced their cries and they hoped they would walk away from the
closed door. They did for the time being and it relaxed the group as they heard the heavy
footsteps retreating to the loft space above.
"Oh gosh I pray they grab what they want and just leave"
Everything had gone dead silent once again and the oldest out of the three children spoke in a
hushed voice
"Do you think they are gone?"
"I hope so" the young boy said after"
The babysitter prayed that they had gone
Just to feel safe although she knew that the nightmares would only begin once everything had
ended.
They hoped the police would arrive or at least the parents who had gone to a charity event
hours prior and weren't due back anytime soon. She did text them but never got a response
back so all she could do was forget them and worry for the safety of the children she's looked
after since they were in diapers.
Everything was still quite until they heard the door start to rattle as if someone so desperately
wanted to enter no one Spoke a word not a sound was made
The babysitter thought what if it's the police what if it's not so she told the children to go to the
farthest corner and hid together and not make a sound and they did . She carefully walked a
couple of stairs up to try and see who it was and when she saw her heart skipped a beat it was
one of the men trying to get in his all black outfit scared her so she didn't make any noise and
tried to quiet lay make her way back down the stairs. When the mans shattered the glass in the
door and tried to open it that way that's when her mind went to survival mode and she ran down
the stairs to get the children into a better hiding spot under the stairs where the would not be
seen. She knew the man would come down and he did so she begged and pleaded for him to
take what he wants and leave so that's what he did.
The three kids were found crying under the stairs their memories now contaminated with fear
and hurt all they could hear was the screams of the girl who would do everything for them. The
children no longer would sleep in the dark they always had to have the lights no not matter what
in fear that if they didn't have any lights on they would not make it through the dark and
someone else would get lost and never found .The three men left and the girl was never seen
again.
Wow, this piece is extremely vivid and you can feel the anxiety as you read this piece, as the babysitter goes into 'survival mode'. Great Job Diane!
ReplyDeleteThis is such an intriguing and interesting story! I especially liked the dialog you included between the children and the babysitter which made it even more suspenseful. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteI commend you on writing a legitimately dark and moving piece. The sense of mounting anxiety and suspense were perfectly crafted-the end left me stunned. Excellent piece.
ReplyDeleteThe is piece suspenseful at every turn. I was on the edge of my seat throughout. Excellent depiction.
ReplyDeleteI love these kinds of thrilling and suspenseful stories. Your description and imagery heightened the suspense. I wonder what happened to the babysitter.
ReplyDeleteGoodness! This story had me hooked straight from the beginning! I loved the way you kept the suspense going, and the ending was so unexpected! Wonderful story and Great Job!!
ReplyDeleteThis blog really scared me, I do admit though that the dark is something I am personally scared of and thats why I always end up falling asleep with my lights on. But going back to the man point of the story, I am very captivated by this flash fiction because I was developing anxiety as I continued to read the rest of the blog, worrying about what would happen next. What really touched my heart was the part that said that the babysitter is ready to take a bullet for these kids and that is something to brave because not many people would sacrifice their life for others. Good job for bring this piece together and revealing to us a story that is beyond expectations!!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, you did an amazing job. Your use of details in the dialog created a very suspenseful scene. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis piece was so interesting!nThe imagery was very detailed and suspenseful, great job! - Jade B.
ReplyDeleteThis story gave me chills. I loved all the suspense and the dialogue between the characters because it showed how they felt and it help set the mood.
ReplyDelete-matthew jimenez
The whole time I was hoping for any other ending--the babysitter heroically fights off the bad guys, the bad guys just leave, it was a police officer all along, or it was all just a nightmare,etc--but something even worse than my fear was confirmed :( . You really got me with this piece; I was literally biting my shirt as I read this. Really good use of suspense! Nice job!
ReplyDeleteDang I was latched in reading this story with the vivid imagery and I was hooked to see what happened to the girl. It created a suspense for me as well
ReplyDeleteWow. I really love the imagery, the way everything was described I could vividly picture everything and that made it so much more suspenseful. The dialogue between the babysitter and the kids and the fact that the babysitter said she would take a bullet for the kids was really heartbreaking after the last sentence that she was never seen again. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteWow this piece was fantastically written, so suspenseful. I also really enjoyed the dialogue, it showed how terrified they were.
ReplyDeleteI personally enjoy pieces that give me anxiety and leave me stunned at the end and your writing did that for me so great job!! Your use of dialogue was fantastic and suspenseful! -Dominic Fierro
ReplyDeleteThis piece reminds me of my mom because if there was any potential threats, my mom would always put herself before us in order to protect her kids. This piece made me feel so anxious and nerve wracking as I continued reading because I wanted to know whether the family survived or not but I was truly not expecting such a powerful ending. Good job
ReplyDeleteThis piece actually made me want to cry lol. Good work on your suspense and the ability to carry the story. Love your use of dialogue and details. -Vanessa Lai
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your use of dialogue, it really enhanced the story. Also i think your usage of imagery and suspense was able to really capture the readers attention. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI was hooked on to this piece from the first sentence. It was so suspenseful and I really enjoyed it. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe title given really stands out! You’ve made this piece very unique and interesting to read! You did a very good job expressing many different aspects of suspense and getting to the point of what flash fiction is!
ReplyDeleteYour story kept me hooked till the last word, great use of imagery nicely done :)
ReplyDeleteWow, what a ominous and dark piece; the fact that the babysitter went missing, how the parents didn't answer back, and how the men were desperate to get her brings up a lot of interesting and depressing mysteries. Really nice job!
ReplyDeleteWow this piece was super suspenseful! I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck rise, and goosebumps too! Go be a horror movie writer!
ReplyDeleteLove the suspense you built throughout the piece and the detail you provided. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a great piece. I loved the suspense it gave and you could feel the anxiety of the girl and the children. It had such a great use of imagery, diction, and emotion. Amazingly written! Nice job Diane.
ReplyDeleteThis short story was very creative and very vidid. Good use of dialogue between the characters. Excellent piece!
ReplyDeleteI enjoy the way you built suspense through the use of dialogue between the babysitter and the child. It had me close to my screen as I read it and the piece itself was magnificent in telling your story about the children.
ReplyDeleteThis story is great in that it actually got my heart to start beating faster. Just as the kids became more terrified I became more anxious to see what would become of them. And then you offered that unhappy ending which completes the story
ReplyDeleteDAAANNNGGG!!! Reading this at night was a bad idea!! The suspense and imagery was amazing!! The story line was great!! Loved it!! Great Job!!! :)
ReplyDeleteThe suspense was killing me throughout the whole piece. I enjoyed how vivid it was ,great piece!
ReplyDeleteYour use of imagery and your diction created amazing suspense and it was amazing. As I kept reading the suspense and anxiety kept building and building. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYou've written a fantastic piece that keeps the heart pumping the whole time. Your narration and detail easily tell the reader what's going on, even through the story begins in media res, which by the way is a great way to open your story because this being a short piece, the extra suspense is definitely welcome. All in all, this is a great piece. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDelete-Christopher Kerwin
That was a chilling story and you maintained the suspense throughout.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was extremely suspenseful and definitely left me wanting more! I loved how you were able to depict the situation really well and I felt like I could truly feel the anxiety of the three kids as the intruders invaded their house. Great job, Diane!!
ReplyDeleteFantastic piece! :-) it kept drawn in until the end , beautifully written and very suspenseful , kept me right on the edge !
ReplyDelete-Narelle Stewart
Truly a dark piece. Personally I love this style of writing and it was a very intiguing read full of suspense. Good job
ReplyDeleteThis piece was so intriguing. I love the build-up of suspense from beginning to end. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Jordan Lee
i absolutely loved reading this! i loved your input of dialogue as well as all of the suspense. really kept me on the edge of my seat the whole time. great job!
ReplyDeleteYour piece reminded me of the fact that memory is as much a blessing as it is a curse. Events big and small have the potential to cause ripples of strength or a cataclysm of weakness. Awesome work, Diane.
ReplyDelete