“Faster Than A Blink”
Nick Mendoza and Carl Dawes walked into the investigation room. They are both police detectives and have been partners for the past 10 years. “Man, you sure do know how to pick the perfect donuts,” Carl jokingly said as they walked into the investigation room. “Aha its one of my gifts,” said Nick proudly. “Alright, what do we have here,” said Carl as they approached the dead body on the table. “Caucasian male about 40 years of age, bullet went right threw the poor fella’s head, came in one ear and out the other,” said Nick shaking his head at the report. “Wow,” said Carl as his eyes widened. “uh im sorry that you had to see this, I know it brings back bad memories,” said Carl “What are you talking about,” said Nick “ You know man about your uh father, he died just like this,” Carl said as he nervously gulped. A suspicious look quickly drew on Nick’s face “How did you know that, it happened one year before we meet and I was the only one who investigated his murder,” said Nick staring into Carl’s eyes as walked around him like he was investigating him. Carl just stood there sweating. A horrifying thought just came into Nick’s head, he quickly grabbed Carl’s wrist and held it firmly “Did you kill my father ?” said Nick extremely calm. “ What, are you out of your mind, you're crazy,” said Carl. Nick was feeling Carl’s heartbeat on his wrist he knew that if it sped up Carl was lying. “DID YOU KILL MY FATHER?” shouted Nick “NO” shouted Carl. The heartbeat……...sped up. Without thinking, faster than a blink Nick quickly dropped Carl’s wrist picked up his gun and aimed it at Carl. Carl froze, you could see the fear in his eye. Carl was about to open his mouth but before he could say something, Nick had already pulled the trigger.
The End.
Really enjoyed this story, parts of it were funny(even if you weren't trying to be), and you illustrated the New York style cop drama very well. And it had a bit of mystery surrounding the lives(and possible death) of these two cops.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your diction for the policemen. They sounded very casual and humorous at first and it was interesting to see how fast that tone changed with Nick's realization. Good Job :))
ReplyDeleteNice build up! Everything was relevant and necessary to the story's progression and it all lead to that ending.
ReplyDeleteThat escalated quickly, i like the way it started out light-hearted and jokingly and then turned to sadness and seriousness within a couple of lines. The sudden changes of tone made the piece effective
ReplyDeleteWow. Huge plot twist! I love the suspense and the ending. The end was perfect. I am now wondering, did the bullet hit Carl? did he end up saying what he was about to say? What is the truth?
ReplyDelete-Madelyn Duran
A little fast for me but I liked it overall because it had murder but nice job man for going 1st well done
ReplyDeleteI agree with Didi it was humorous at first with the whole donut thing but it quickly took a sharp turn but I really like that sharp turn, it went from slow to a great build up to a climax/cliffhanger, I kind of want to know more. Like did he really kill his father or not, what if the heartbeat wasn't to accurate? Why did he kill him?
ReplyDeleteInteresting story. Reminded me a bit of the twists Dean Koontz puts in his writing. The only bad part was I believed you should have lengthened the story a bit. Good job at keeping the reader's attention throughout though!-Joshua Kidwell
ReplyDeleteReally nice piece that demonstrates effective use of diction. I like the sudden shift in tone from a normal nonchalant tone to seriousness. Does feeling a persons heartbeat have the same result from an actual lie detector? I feel this piece would be even better if Nick killed Carl only after finding a sufficient amount of evidence leading to his fathers murder. Keep up the good work :>
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this story, I like how it all started cool and mellow, just two friends. Then suddenly it gets to the point real quick and the whole tone and mood of the story flips into a more mysterious,deceiving, dark side. Great job! -Aileen Munoz
ReplyDeleteI liked it a lot! I like how it was a murder mystery, definitely my type of genre! Nice plot twist also, I'm a fan of unexpected endings so I really enjoyed it, and I definitely liked the suspense, it caught my attention and encouraged me to keep writing. Well done!
ReplyDeleteI liked the progression of the story,how the fast pace supported the suspense.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your piece :) The build up was nice and I like how you were able to make the policemen sound legit aha
ReplyDeleteI really love how the story began very cool, funny and collected, but then became intense, such climax is what keeps a reader wanting more. I know I have many questions. Very good Job.
ReplyDeleteMy opinion of the piece is very much on par with the previous statements; the beginning was very cute and quirky, from your words and syntax I was able to hear the characters' twang which I found to be very endearing. I also enjoyed the plot progression and the suspense towards the end. All in all, very good work, you have a fantastically mature writing style for someone your age and I believe it will only get better. :)
ReplyDelete-Maddie Alegria (p.4)
The subject matter was really cool in how its really relevant to the medias hype on law enforcement in today's news. The characterization needs a bit more work in a sense that you didn't really get to know either character except for elements that ultimately led to the death of Carl. It would've been more engaging if as the reader, you got to learn more about the death of Nick's father and background, maybe even some internal thought from Carl during the confrontation. The piece was enjoyable in whole and very intriguing, the tension quickly built which was very alluring to read.
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me of something from NCIS or Criminal Minds. Although it did seem sudden, the climax was very well written. I personally love thrillers and horror and this reminded me of how unexpected life could be. We live in a small world and this is very possible situation, makes me wonder how often this happens where someone they trust has done something completely unforeseen. I wonder if Nick ever gets caught or feels guilt for his actions? Anyway, I enjoyed your piece and you did a great job!
ReplyDelete- Alyssa Tandoc
Great job! Your story caught my attention right off the bat! I really enjoyed the turn of events as it progressed. Very interesting read and I was able to relate it to many of the shows I've watched on TV.
ReplyDeleteReally interesting concept, with subtle character traits.I would suggest a more gradual build up to this type of scene such as Nick uneasily pushing back the suspicion that his partner may have killed his father, an obsession with a long closed case, or an interrogation so its not such a jeer for the climax of the story. This may give your character more of an arc to grow from. -Kamilah McMillon
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved the dialogue between Nick and Carl! It added a somewhat comedic effect to your piece. As a devout watcher of the Investigation Discovery Channel, I must say the unexpected plot twist at the end gave me the same level of thrill and interest as when I watch the series and miniseries on that channel. I wish it were longer! Great job!
ReplyDelete-Pavia Omolewa
I really enjoyed your story and how you illustrated the New York style cop drama very well.
ReplyDelete-Ashley Lowman
Hamza I loved this piece!!!!! By not making the scene really long and keeping the details to a minimum you rally convey how fast all of the action happened. I also love/ hate the fact that you didn't tell us a lot about why the dad died. As a reader it is very frustrating because i really want to know why Carl killed Nick's father but not putting more details really adds to the piece.
ReplyDeleteYour story reminded me of something that would go on NYCSI because it was so dramatic and secrets were being quickly revealed. The build up was great and I loved the part where you incorporated the "donut loving cops" stereotype.
ReplyDeleteWell written Hamza. Very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI really like the story and how it builds up the intensity. It would of been more intense if maybe you had more drama on how he killed his father but, still really great story.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, no hesitation! i could have used maybe just a little more interaction before the actual death but overall i think the story kept the reader on their toes and interested which is probably even part of the reason it was such a quick read. good job!
ReplyDelete-Kayla Salas
This is not what I was expecting! I liked the plot twist in the end, good job keep up the good work
ReplyDeleteThis story jumps straight into action! Maybe add in a little more build up to create some suspense for the reader, but overall it was pretty good. I appreciate the donut joke that you included. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteGreat concept! I like that you made the two characters friendly towards each other and had the little joke about the donuts, only to come into the realization that one has betrayed the other. I think the strength of keeping the story short and to the point is that the reader can write their own before and after scene, making it how they see it happen. I could have used a bit more of a build up between the two characters relationship to make the fact that they each betrayed each other more shocking, but other than that, amazing job!
ReplyDelete-Chloe Hopkins
Wow. Just wow. I loved how quickly everything just happened, similar to realistic events and how they seem to just pass by. There was some quick character development that gave a small piece of background to Nick. It was a bit short but it could work for the end of a novel. -Brian Rojas
ReplyDeleteThe tone is most definitely restless and is really the driving force in your story. Also, the change in tone is interesting and really conveys how much Nick doesn't like the past being brought up! As for Carl, that's too bad he got killed off. Very well written and a great attention grabber!
ReplyDelete- Gregory Gomez (P.3)
Great job on building up the tension of the story I did not see that coming! Well done!
ReplyDeleteAs I was into the middle of your story I knew Carl was going to be the one, but I wouldn't have thought Nick would point gun nor pull the trigger! The end of your story had me at a loss .. I mean he killed his partner! I thought it was quite funny how you used the typical stereotype of cops eating their donut, your piece was great very suspenseful once I got to the end.
ReplyDelete- Diana Godinez
I thought you had a creative idea on what you wanted your story to be about. I felt that you could have went into detail a little bit more but overall I think you did a good job!
ReplyDelete-Celeste Martinez
OH MY GOODNESS! That happened so fast! How could anyone see this coming? Absolutely amazing!
ReplyDeleteAt first the humorous tone created a casual setting of the normal cop roleplay you'd expect, but as Nick had his realization the tone quickly shifted into a tense and suspense atmosphere. Very high paced suspense, and well written piece!
ReplyDelete-Lorena Meza
Ahh. Me Gusta mucho!! As I was reading your story i started to get into it more and more. It kind of like you are at a action movie and you hear the music get louder as the person come a just before they get the person the screen turns black. Great use of foreshadowing with the father's death and the recent death that happened in the story. Loved it!!
ReplyDeleteThe build up of the plot was truly faster than a blink with only a couple sentences changing the entire mood of plot. Going from a happy and joking manner to a serious and intense scene was a very nice way to sort of punch the reader in the face.
ReplyDelete~Ryan Kang
Wow! What a cliff hanger! Your story reminded me of something that would have gone on NYCSI. It was very New York cop drama. I agree with Kayla, there could have been a little more development with the characters until the big reveal. But overall, you did great!
ReplyDelete-karyna Gandara
I've always loved stories that get straight to the point. Good job!
ReplyDelete-Marissa Putrick
Well that escalated quickly! Overall enjoyed the story the plot twist was great but I do feel that it could have been transitioned into more fluidly.
ReplyDelete-Reymie Morris
I cant get enough of these plot twists hahaha! I loved the dialogue especially the comic relief, and he way things ended makes me want to know the backstory of both cops even more. Nice work, Loved it!
ReplyDeletegreat job. the story was entertaining. i do suggest that you develop the characters more so that care and emotion is formed by the readers. other than that, the read was good. great writing for someone your age. please continue to pursue this art. :)
ReplyDeleteOMG! THAT WAS CRAZY! THE PLOT TWIST AT THE END!! Super great piece, it totally had me enticed and at the edge of my seat!
ReplyDeleteVery appealing and suspenseful theme to the story. In my opinion, I felt that the interactions and build up towards the shooting of Carl was rather too abrupt. The expansion of the situation, such as realizations from both characters or a more thorough interrogation of Carl, would have been the missing piece in making this short story a little more exciting.
ReplyDeleteDang!!! That escalated fairly quickly but I like that a short thrilling story, very good job!
ReplyDelete-Oyinda Akinnusi
Your story was very entertaining, I liked the dialogue between the two characters. I also enjoyed the build up of suspense, I definitely was not expecting that ending. Good job :)
ReplyDelete-Kathlyn Juarez
It was very interesting and straight to the point. - Camille B.
ReplyDeleteI was expecting something action packed when I read they were cops but the rate at which the situations intensified is insane. The whole story is a punch in the face which is exactly what happens in real life. One second your alive next moment dead. Well done!
ReplyDelete-Luke Riddington
Boom! Loved the story line very riveting .This is the type of story that gets your heart pumping. It was very fast paced, but your key details and suspense made the whole thing come full circle. Great job Hamza! -Brittany Hackney (p.3)
ReplyDeleteEscalated really quickly and was straight to the point which I do enjoy but maybe a bit more development would have made it better. But still, great job.
ReplyDeleteThis was other one of the pieces I enjoyed really enjoyed the story line great suspense !
ReplyDeleteI really liked the twist at the end! The foreshadowing was great and I loved the jokes that you slid in there !
ReplyDeleteThis piece was a great idea, it was an interesting read due to the possible reality of this situation. However, I felt like the ending was a bit rushed, but keep up the great work!
ReplyDelete-Damian Echavarria
YOOOOOO! I love how you used a character whose occupation is supposed to represent justice and order to be the antagonist! The readers could slowly tell that the truth was about to be revealed, but I don't think a lot of us expected the other character to execute his action with such calmness and precision. This really played on the idea of trust and loyalty, not only between friends, but even with our own government and those who work for it.
ReplyDelete-Sam Nugroho
I really liked this story and how the dialogue makes you read it faster and faster as the tension grows. Buy I'm very upset that I do not know why Carl knows how Nick's father died.
ReplyDeleteWow I was not expecting that! Honestly plot twist stories are my favorite kind of stories and I can not get enough of them. I did not expect Nick to kill Carl, that part was absolutely shocking. Great piece! - Allyssa Flores
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed the story, especially the dialogue between the two investigators. I think you did great job at telling the story. It was very short, quick, and did its job in making the reader actually pay attention to the story and making them stick around until the end. Good job and keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete- Alan Viernes
Went from 0-100 real quick. The way you shifted the tone was beautiful and brought interest to the story. Good Work Hamza!
ReplyDeleteGreat use of a short story, very captivating!
ReplyDeleteDang I really enjoyed this piece, the buildup was really well executed how it went from a normal day to the death of a person. I was really caught off guard but it was a really pleasant surprise and a very good read.
ReplyDelete-Jeremiah Eugenio
Great job creating the build up for the end but I felt the ending came to quickly once Nick became suspicious of Carl. Next time maybe develop that part of the story a little more but other than that it was really good!
ReplyDeleteThe plot was short but surprisingly suspenseful. I would've liked to know a bit of the backstory, but maybe in the future?? I really appreciated your story's ability portray some human emotions effectively-I mean, trust and knowledge could work for you and against you.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this piece because it reminded me of something I would watch on TV like, Bones or Law and Order, but besides that I feel like the idea was great but the climax could have been built up more and with that the characters could have also developed more. -Sienna Carbajal
ReplyDeleteWow I started sweating around the same time that "Carl just stood there sweating." Such intensity, such fire, and in so few words. You unabashedly crashed through the door with pulse-pounding action and the story went full throttle until the poignant and blunt climax. The story's structure is a perfect embodiment of the frailty of life, and you are a literary mastermind.
ReplyDeleteWonderful read! I wish you would have broken up the text though into different lines. The story was interesting, I concur, and there were little to no mistakes as a whole. Just a few grammatical/spelling errors sneaking around. I suggest you continue to write! The idea behind the story was well written, and I definitely would not mind reading more of your works as they continue to grow. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteWow, what an exciting story! Great plot development, really the reader on the edge of their seat. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI liked you story, short and straight to the point. And unexpected ending. Great job! -Sirikanya Boonyanant
ReplyDeleteThe story escalated very quickly. Good Job I liked it!
ReplyDelete-Maite Vano
First of all, I respect your bravery in going first and I hope that you find all of these comments rewarding in your future pursuit of writing throughout high school. Regarding your writing, I think that your story is clever and I have no criticisms of the length or pacing because the title tells all: Faster Than A Blink. The characters' dialogue was very powerful, I found myself yelling the capitalized lines in my head as I read them. Great job, I hope that you continue to grow and improve as a writer.
ReplyDeleteQuick story that started out nice but ended very fiercely. It can show just how fast things can happen as your title says "Faster Than A Blink".
ReplyDeleteWas short but sweet, even got a bit exciting in the end. Nice job!
ReplyDelete-Matthew Bio
I think that even though there was not much suspense, the story had an unexpected outcome. I agree that more suspense and build up in the story would've made the piece even more enjoyable. But nice job!
ReplyDeleteWow the story line drama the detail every think in mind i could just picture every thing in my mind wow
ReplyDelete- Aurelius Valdez
Very dark with a fast escalation. The repetition of "said (this character) disrupted some of the flow of the piece, but nonetheless a compelling story! Very nice work. :^)
ReplyDeletePretty well written. As others have said it did come a little quick, but let's be honest, Carl had it coming. There's nothing that creates more suspense then dirty cops.
ReplyDeleteso much suspense and had me trying to guess what was about to happen next.
ReplyDeleteGreat plot twist! I liked the changed in tones as well.
ReplyDeleteGreat story.....quite interesting!!! Words of advice though, trying avoiding "said" when the characters communicate, it would flow better making your piece flawless!!!
ReplyDeleteThat took a quick turn and it just took me by the arm. Love the style you write in, it's really enticing and brings in my attention. You're dialogue also has great quality. Great work!
ReplyDelete-Blue Andrade
Big fan of stories like this. Loved the excitement.
ReplyDeleteWOW. Great plot twist I really loved the suspense at the end of this story it was very interesting to read.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, this was great. It caught my attention because i love shows like Criminal Minds so you already got me there. The twist in the story got me excited, out of my seat, and wanting more. I wish it wasn't so short, but we do have limits so you couldn't have done better. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI'm very impressed with the dialogue, maybe because I know that is one of my weaknesses. I also loved how quick the tone changed throughout the story because it really grabbed my attention further. Great Job keep it up!
ReplyDelete-Nahome Woldearegay
The piece definitely caught my attention, especially the change it tone. It is quick, descriptive, and well written.
ReplyDelete-Jerelle Medina
Amazing story! It was like pitting law and Order characters against each other. Also, you did a great job in changing the tone of the story.
ReplyDelete-Korbie Sevilla
I absolutely loved it! i am currently reading a book on the same topic!
ReplyDeleteAlthough it was short the story was done well. There were some grammatical errors, but it did leave me asking questions, such as, "Why would Carl kill his partners father?" Because you left me asking questions you made me like this story.
ReplyDeleteI liked the story and the cop stereotype in the beggining but I feel like it escalated to quickly and the story could of been longer but still great job
ReplyDeleteThe fast pace and briefness of the piece created an impact that left me wishing it was longer, so good job! I would look at how dialogue is usually formatted in novels, just to make the reading experience a little easier. However, keep up the good work and develop your style which shows here!
ReplyDeleteGreat attention to writing tone and the shifts that take place.
ReplyDeleteI love the exciting plot twist toward the end of the story. Very well written story.
ReplyDeleteI really love the typical police stereotypes and dialogue, they're very fitting. I also enjoyed the very quick and steep climax your story took at the very end. The suspicion definitely escalated rapidly into a very harsh ending, which was very well written. Definitely good work.
ReplyDeleteI thought your story was good remind me of a friend who's stories always ends with a twist. The title was well chosen, I like to guess the ending based on the title's selective words.
ReplyDeleteI liked the intense suspense and the cliff hanger at the end because it left the reader asking, "Did Nick really kill Carl's dad?".
ReplyDeleteWOW!!!!!!!! Such a plot twist, threw me off so far. I love the story very well written to get the readers emotional controlled.
ReplyDeleteThe story starts out with some dry dialogue, but evolves into some really exciting stuff! It starts out delivering the feel of the story like how a crime TV show does, with a sort of icyness, but then it quickly erupts into some heated suspense as the plot thickens between the two main characters! I might suggest that, instead of the doughnut dialogue, you introduce the setting a little more. Perhaps introducing the officers in a shady motel or the 13th floor of a cold apartment complex, so that the readers are more aware of the occasion. Despite that note, this story is an excellent piece.
ReplyDelete-Brandon Lim
This was great because it left we with my jaw dropped at the end of it. I could just feel the tension as i read on
ReplyDelete-Sierra Guitron
Very well written. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete