The Guardian of life
Forever Young
A man who once felt the weight of the world on his shoulders
woke up one day and decided that a walk along the coastline of his hometown
would be good for him as the sound of the waves and the scent of the blustering
salted wind helped to clear his abrupt thought process and emotions. He walked
and walked until he reached the town’s shipyard where a ship just back from the
new world was unloading its passengers. The man over heard of a search for
something called the fountain of life, he thought of his sickness more mental
than physical thinking maybe the fountain could heal him after all it wasn’t
called the fountain of life for no reason but contemplated then quickly
dismissed the idea, as there could be no such wonder in this world. The man
then headed back into town and nothing too interesting occurred through that
day but little did the man know that he subconsciously remembered hearing about
the fountain of life. He went to bed that night having dreams so lucid that he
could feel the sea and hear voices. One voice he continuously heard all night
that would tell him things like “go” “adventure is waiting” and one thing that
soft whispering voice told him sparked a fire that burned through his soul all
the way into the light of day. It said “life, youth, eternity, seeking,
believing, the fountain gives water… the fountain gives life, life flows from
water, life that is forever young and beautiful”. He immediately awoke at that
very moment and knew that he had to go looking for the fountain so that just
maybe he could be happy and live a life forever young. He went out that day got
a ship, a crew, and set sail for the new world. When he and the crew arrived
they set up camp just like anyone else would and then decided that search the
next morning would be best. The crew searched for weeks and weeks and no luck
the man then returned to his theory that no such wonder could exist. So they
decided to pack up and go home, but just before they had left something caught
the mans eye and he went to go check and sure enough he had found the fountain!
The man was hysterical and went to get his crew and his newly found lover. The
man wanted to protect the fountain and use its waters for good on only the sick
however everyone else had a different idea… His lover stabbed him in the back
with a dagger black as night and immediately drowned him in the fountains
waters that were clear as day. The waters quickly turned a scorching deathly blood
red and then in that very moment between life and death the man realized that
this world was no place to live forever young. To this day that man now dressed
in white and gold is the guardian of the fountain and it is his job to make
sure no one drinks its now red waters because no one is meant to live a life
that is forever young.
I really like the idea that the man was so inspired by his dreams (both literally &figuratively) that he set out to do something and just went for it. I also like the idea that he set out to accomplish this dream, but it changed as he changed & he found what he was really meant to do. :) Good job
ReplyDeleteWow... I feel as though I was just taught a life lesson... A lesson woven within a story is a time honored tradition, nice work :)
ReplyDeleteGood job, but there were a few sentences that were confusing because of their length. Adding a bit more punctuation will help the story flow a lot better when read.
ReplyDelete-Didi Amarasekara
I felt like I was actually reading a story, it was well written and the plot was amazing great job
ReplyDeleteI've always questioned that if it were possible, would I want to live forever? To answer that I heard a quote once that said " Life is only precious because it's short". I realized that the reason we have adventures and care about what we do is because time is a finite resources and we don't know when it will end. I feel like this piece emphasizes that sometimes we hunger for time but don't realize that because of that short time we we appreciate every little detail around us. I really the imagery as well.
ReplyDeleteThere is very few times one such as myself gets lost in a story let alone an essay. Well done essay I could see the whole story playing out in my mind. Very good ending as well taught a "hidden message" to the reader.-Joshua Kidwell
ReplyDeleteI love the way this piece is written. The piece as a whole gives off a surreal feeling which makes the reader feel as if they were dreaming. Is this some type of allusion referencing the fountain of youth? Keep up the good work :>
ReplyDeleteThat was actually really beautiful! definitely makes you want to question your own existence as well, well written and good commentary, I agree with Didi, some punctuation would have made it flow a little more, but I still understood it well and totally get the message. Really well done overall, and great concept!!
ReplyDeleteVery well written story! I Loved the whole idea and how you brought it to life with the vivid imagery and word choice, really got me reflecting on the beautiful gift of life that we were given and how we should just go for our dreams and be the best we can in this lifetime. -Aileen munoz
ReplyDeletei agree with maryann, this piece highlights the importance of the life we are given. we have every right to a beautiful life and having a life that lasts too long ruins the beauty and excitement of it. This piece really gives a great message of living life to the fullest and enjoying it while its here, appreciate what you have instead of looking at what you dont
ReplyDeleteThis piece is amazing, not only does it give wisdom, but the imagery is impeccable. I felt very drawn and connected to it, mainly because of the detail. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the message you sent through this piece. I too believe that we're not meant to live forever, and you gave a great example of what would happen if we humans actually got our hands on something as precious as a a fountain of youth. Nice Work :)
ReplyDeleteThis piece had amazing descriptive sentences that really painted a picture in my mind as I read through it. The story itself is very original and new which I enjoyed immensely. Some of the sentences ran on a bit too much, which made it hard to completely grasp the thought. Breaking them up would allow for the reader to comprehend what they've read and then move on, without having to go back and reread it. In all this was a great read and it'd be nice to read more of this fountain of youth and its wonders.
ReplyDeleteWhoa, I thoroughly enjoyed your story because of the deep meaning that it conveys. First it gives you a sense of hope, to keep pursuing your dreams. However with the twist that comes along later, it sends a signal to make sure that we don't turn greedy and that some things just aren't meant to be. There are so many other possible lessons that are conveyed through this piece such as how we should not depend on living forever young as such a thing does not exist for a reason. The way you wove all of these lessons together was also very nice.
ReplyDelete- Alyssa Tandoc
This is a very lovely piece. I love the story line and the adventurous spirit behind it. My only suggestion would be to expand on the story and build it up a bit before the conclusion but it was still very enjoyable!!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the overall theme of this story. To improve it I would suggest adding some commas to fix some of the run on sentences to clear up the rhythm of the story, dropping some of the adverbs, and using more striking descriptive words will help accentuate the imagery in the story.Good work. -Kamilah McMillon
ReplyDeleteReading this piece has allowed me to realize that there's a certain beauty and sense of reverence to age that we often become oblivious to. In society today, youth is something that individuals seek to prolong for as long they possibly can, without realizing the wisdom and enlightenment that age often brings. I myself have often contemplated on what it would be like to live forever young! I would advise you to utilize punctuation marks which will allow your piece to flow a little better. But other than that, job well done!
ReplyDelete-Pavia Omolewa
The idea of this story is just wow. I was lost in your work and I was a little sad yet happy when he became the guardian of the fountain. Sad that he had high hopes of being cured and not having it turn out the ay he wanted to. Happy that he's preventing others from making the same mistake as he did. Good job.
ReplyDeleteLoved the integrity of the ending I didn't believe that it would have finished in such a strong manner but sure enough it did.
ReplyDeleteThis story kept me in THE WHOLE TIME. It had a great meaning and tone with it too! Amazing work!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the theme of this piece. I agree that life in this cruel and corrupted place is not worth extending and people are often blinded by their greed. I think you did a great job laying out the story however I feel as though some pieces lacked just a bit of detail, though this may have been due to the word limit. keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete-Kayla Salas
I like how the water in the fountain never cleared up again, how it turned blood red. I thought of it in a way that greed and selfishness ruins everything. Now no one can get water from the fountain of life and live forever.
ReplyDeleteI loved the different uses of imagery because it made me feel like I was in the story, observing everything that happened. The descriptive language and the tone kept me engaged and it makes me want to hear a sequel of someone else discovering the fountain and the guardian having to fend them off or something. I think this story teaches many great lessons including what you desire may not always be the best choice. Great job!
ReplyDelete-Chloe Hopkins
This story added a background to the common lore of the fountain of youth, using a lot of imagery to keep the reader hooked while adding vivid images of the beauty of the fountain and the vile color of betrayal. -Brian Rojas
ReplyDeleteExcellent job on the details on the story! As stated somewhere above, it does indeed feel like a life lesson and it is the first thing I thought of when I finished reading.
ReplyDelete- Gregory Gomez (P.3)
I loved this story because it was written so well. I was immersed in the story the whole time. Very well done!
ReplyDeleteThis poor guy. It was so sad but i feel that anyone could relate to this, because life is grueling and random things you never see coming can be thrown at you at anytime, even in your search for something life changing.
ReplyDeleteWow I thought this was a great little story! I imagined so much of this in my head and feel like the point you made in your story about no one should live forever young in this world is really good! I feel like everyone can relate to this because everyone has their own issues that they would never want to deal with forever and I think you did a really good job I honestly enjoyed this.
ReplyDelete-Celeste Martinez
I like kind of the comparison between the the fountain of life and the fountain of youth that we have heard in books. It is sad when the guy goes to find the fountain and he does but he never got the chance to experience it to its full potential. It did lack a little bit in diction but overall the story is really good.-Kaelin Bone
ReplyDeleteThe different emotions the story was able to provoke ranged from hopefulness to acceptance. In the story, the possibility of living forever was shown to bring out the worst in people which reflects on many things that are true in most people. Interesting idea and was written with a nice flow throughout.
ReplyDelete-Lorena Meza
The message at the end of the story is a very nice and modest one, although it has got me thinking about something. The plot twist of the man dying to the person he had cared for the most was something that I did not expect. Good story.
ReplyDelete~Ryan Kang
It is devastating how true this is. I loved when it said that this world is no place to live forever young. As unfortunate as it is, I couldn't agree more.
ReplyDelete-Marissa Putrick
The ending of your story was quiet inspiring, for the character took the journey for a long life but actually had his life taken away earlier than anticipated, and it gave out a huge message. Seems people forget they have a beautiful life in front of them and once they take advantage of it then it can be easily taken away. I enjoyed your piece alongside the meaning.
ReplyDelete- Diana Godinez
The adventurous vibe of the story is certainly captivating. The senses you included made me feel as if I was experiencing the trials and tribulations of the main character. The murder at the end certainly caught me off guard and it definitely portrays the importance of life morals. It reminds me of a novel called the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Overall fantastic job!
ReplyDelete-Korbie Sevilla
great work. this was like reading a scary tale one would tell to children to scare, or stay away from fountains. Very nice!
ReplyDeletegreat work. this was like reading a scary tale one would tell to children to scare, or stay away from fountains. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteLove, love, love the ending on this one. I liked that you didn't end with the typical happy ending that most stories like this tend to lead to but instead with a more realistic view on it. One thing I would suggest though is giving more sensory details when it comes to the moment the guardian finds the fountain of youth so we get more of his sense of europhia as readers.
ReplyDelete-Reymie Morris
I thought the story would be sort of like a fairy tale due to the title, but the sort of plot twist at the end with the violent death of the man totally got me saying "whaaaat just happened?!" Great job with this piece, and i'm not sure if it is the format of the website/blog, but it would be a MUCH easier read if it was in paragraph format. Nonetheless, great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was a beautiful piece, i especially loved the imagery, it really added to the overall greatness to your story! Excellent work!
ReplyDeleteI loved how you incorporated the Fountain of Youth in the story, it was really interesting! Though some punctuation errors, all in all I enjoyed the piece.
ReplyDelete-Oyinda Akinnusi
i kinda reflected this story to my life style i really liked how you worded it, good job.
ReplyDelete- Janier Ajila
I liked your story it was deep and really sent out a good message. I enjoyed all the descriptive sentences, it was a great use of imagery. Amazing job :)
ReplyDelete-Kathlyn Juarez
I really love the way the story was written. It also had a really nice message to it. - Camille B.
ReplyDeleteYou incorporate the allusion of the Fountain of Life really well into the story. You first got me hooked on the story and then sprung the moral, idea, theme on me. Seems very well thought out not just thrown together. I totally expected it to go a different direction but I am glad he found the fountain is completes the story. THe lack of punctuation made some sentences difficult to follow but other than that great job.
ReplyDelete-Luke Riddington
I felt like I picked up an adventurous tone form reading this piece. I loved the twist in the end that brought the whole story together. I respect your message on growing up and aging, and I think we can all learn something valuable from this. Overall, I believe this is a very timeless piece that has timeless aspects to it and you executed that very well in your writing. -Brittany Hackney (p.3)
ReplyDeleteReally liked the imagery in this story and the ending was great. Was not expecting that.
ReplyDeleteThis piece was actually one of my favorites way to use imagery with a plot twist towards the end
ReplyDeleteI loved the concept of your story. There is always something so beautiful when it comes to stories about life and living and the essence of being alive in a world where life and death happen everyday. Your story was great but I do agree with Didi. A little punctuation would have made the story flow a little better. But other than that, great job!
ReplyDeleteI liked how you began with the character searching for the fountain of life, so that he could use its magical abilities to heal himself, but then made a 360 degree turn by making him the protector of the fountain so no one can use the fountain to avoid results that they might regret. Some missing punctuation could have been used to make it easier to read, but great job!
ReplyDelete-Damian Echavarria
The idea of immortality is such an amazing concept to work off of and I loved how your story built upon it. I too believe that people were not meant to live forever. Every moment handed to us should be fully appreciated and absorbed as there is always a chance of it never happening again. I really liked the adventurous aspect of your story as well! It kept the story going and made the reader want to follow your character.
ReplyDelete- Sam Nugroho
Beautiful piece with amazing imagery! I felt captivated by this piece and I enjoyed every bit of it, I loved the ending and I thought overall this was lovely. -Allyssa Flores
ReplyDeleteI loved this story. It was so good!!!! And the symbolism of him getting stabbed in the back was a great way to have his lover betray him. The overall meaning of this story is wonderful and I appreciate the message.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this piece. The amount of detail kept reeling me into the story and kept me reading. Great job and keep up the great work!
ReplyDelete- Alan Viernes
Powerful message that gives a reality check to the ones who read it. Good Job David!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the imagery presented in the beginning of your story, it really helped me visualize the area and feel like I was really there. The story was very well written and it really made me think.
ReplyDelete-Jeremiah Eugenio
I love this so much! Its very relatable in the very beginning of the story
ReplyDeleteWow I really love this, it's interesting. I really enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDelete-Anita Kong
I really like the topic you wrote on David. Its so interesting because the way you say new world makes me think that this piece could be written for any time period (even though the mode of transportation shows it), which really fits into the message about greed in people. I love the fact that, at the end, the fountain becomes untouchable to the lover and crew because of their evils deeds.
ReplyDeleteThe story really seemed to flow together and had an unexpected little twist at the end which also had a life lesson. Also how he seemed to get his wish to live forever but only to protect the fountain from other people which wasn't his initial reason for pursuing the fountain of youth. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that you added historical aspects to your writing by alluding to the Fountain of Youth and also that you created contrasting imagery with the color of the knife and the color of the water in the fountain. These aspects helped support your overall theme about the futility of pursuing everlasting life which was and still is valid societal commentary. However, I also feel that a slight shift in the pacing (it felt hurried at the end) could amplify your powerful message even more. Nonetheless, great work!
ReplyDeleteI like your use of imagery, really paints a vivid picture so that the reader can see the fountain. Nice ending, good job!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely brilliant, and I must say that I admire your syntax risks and economic use of punctuation. It created a sense of urgency while reading that perfectly embodies the "here one minute and gone the next" quality of human life.
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, the juxtaposition of fire and water imagery (apparent in the "scorching deathly blood" and "life flows from water" sections) adds another layer of symbolic depth to the story beyond my own comprehension. Congratulations on being awesome.
I liked the imagery that you used. Good job on the piece it was great!
ReplyDelete-Maite Vano
Great use of figurative language and imagery to draw in the reader, and interesting twist towards the end regarding the fountain.
ReplyDeleteWell written story, the story was deep and beautiful. I liked the imagery at the end of the story. The story was great but a little bit confusing. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteKind of bitter sweet ending, since the Fountain could have done some good, but also a lot of bad for humanity. But that's how it goes. Nice lesson taught here.
ReplyDeleteI think the vivid imagery in the piece added so much personality. Nice job with the piece over all.
ReplyDeletegreat story line some that you can imagine something from a movie
ReplyDelete-Aurelius Valdez
To me I felt that the search for the fountain was actually a search for happiness. The man in my opinion was depressed and searching for his happiness I liked the use of diction that you used great write!
ReplyDeleteI loved this piece! Its truly encapsulates the idea of "Be careful what you wish for", without the usually negative connotation behind it. One criticism though: it seemed as though some punctuation was missing, making most of the 'complex sentences' feel like they were running off. But nonetheless, amazing story!
ReplyDeleteI read the title and immediately thought "This could be the next Indiana Jones plot line". Other then a few confusing run-ons, this story reminded me of all those amazing artifact hunting movies that got me wanting to become an archaeologist.
ReplyDeleteFantastic imagery and descriptive details given. And loved the ending, very poetic :)
ReplyDelete-Blue Andrade
The ending totally hit me by supersize and the literary devices used really made the story even better.
ReplyDeleteThe story was very well said, it lead to a very important message, and it reminded me of a childhood story which of course you made quite unique with the unexpected death. ~Neida Erroa
ReplyDeleteLoved the imagery.
ReplyDeleteThis was truly a great work! I thoroughly enjoyed your diction as i felt it enhanced the overall message of the story, I'd love to read more works from you in the future as I believe you are an incredibly talented writer!
ReplyDeleteThe concept behind the story was wonderful, but the execution of said concept could have been cleaner. i noticed more than a few grammatical.spelling errors that could easily be fixed. The story also could have been written a bit smoother, but I like the idea overall. If you continue to write, eventually your writing will also progress and grow. It will take a lot of work, but I am sure you will get to the level where your writing will be amazing. I encourage you to continue to expand your vocabulary and your overall writing prowess; the story has the potential to truly be meaningful about how short life can be, and that eventually, everyone must grow up. Keep developing your writing skills, good luck.
ReplyDeleteA very fascinating, albeit scary and intimidating if deep thought is involved, topic. A very interesting read.
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed reading this story. It had a very important message, you also had very great imagery throughout your story.
ReplyDeleteGreat attention to detail and imagery. Great flow, good use of syntax. Good overall theme. Good job.
ReplyDeleteThe imagery was great throughout the piece I think the character of the man and his personality/characteristics could have been more developed but the concept had great meaning behind it and the universal message was thought provoking. -Sienna Carbajal
ReplyDeleteGreat use of imagery, it worked really well with this text. I too believe in the message you are trying to send, and I hope it provoked thought into others as much as it did for me. Very interesting and Great read!
ReplyDelete-Nahome Woldearegay
The vivid imagery used was skillful. The piece is well written and the story's continuous flow is nice.
ReplyDelete-Jerelle Medina
Very original and rather unorthodox take on the concept of youth. As many commenters said before, I felt that you left out large amounts of proper punctuation which made sentences feel like eternities. The cohesiveness of your story would have been easier to comprehend with proper commas and general grammar. Other than that, the story was well thought-out but still lacks the excess content needed to make it into a great read. Good work!
ReplyDeleteFantastic imagery! Its almost as if I am living alongside the character!
ReplyDeleteI enjoy your metaphorical approach to descriptions, and the elegance you maintain while writing. The allusion to the Fountain of Youth allows readers to make their own connections based on prior associations, therefore the use of history was very effective. In the future, I would focus on the pace of your writing, and try to avoid over describing things, and shorten some sentences to avoid run-ons.
ReplyDeleteI liked how the story went from a guy just strolling in his home town to him going on an adventure
ReplyDeleteI liked you you were able portray that the world is cruel place, and that you were able to portray it through the back-stabbing was done acceptionally well.
ReplyDelete-Anthony Giliberto Jr.
The imagery was so well written that I felt as if I were actually there in person.
ReplyDeleteThe imagery towards the end and the thoughts of the man revealed to us greatens our understanding of his motives at the end of the narrative.
ReplyDeleteYou give very well written imagery and the plot and story line was very interesting, but I feel like some of the more important sections of the story were too short and abrupt and some of your transitions seemed a bit too fast and awkward, but everything else was very marvelous work.
ReplyDeleteThe book Tucker Everlasting came to mind, I love your story because it gave me that same reasoning if I could choose to live forever would I take it no. The message was well structured out I liked your imagery of the fountain and your ending as the man to be the protector of humanity to never live forever.
ReplyDeleteGreat intro! From the start to finish, it kept me interested because of the imagery.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful imagery, and very inspirstional to follow your dreams even though all seems lost. Love the philisophical ending that no one is meant to live forever young. Amazing piece.
ReplyDeleteI think this piece really stresses the theme of knowing the bounds of our capability. The contrasts of imagery, such as light and dark, adds to the effect of evil and good.
ReplyDelete-Brandon Lim
Well so much for that lover... I love how this story is able to teach a lesson. It reminds me of the native american fictional stories that are meant to teach life lessons. This is great!
ReplyDelete-Sierra Guitron