I was exiting the movie
theater, saying to myself, “Why the hell did I pay twelve dollars for that.” It
was a warm summer evening, a pretty normal day for anyone, but for me it was
too quiet. I haven’t been hearing them recently.
“Oh well.” I said as I
shrugged my shoulders, neglecting that something has or is keeping them silent.
I stretched for a couple minutes before starting to walk home. I stared into
the sky while walking, hoping not to fall or hit something, look at the millions
of sparkling diamonds pasted onto the sky. Their presence calms me as I start
imagining how easy it must be to be a star. Just having to exist without a care
in the world.
I receive a text from my
girlfriend, a tall brunette with the best personality of anyone I have met.
“Hi, I was just wondering
if you are still coming over Saturday for dinner.”
I text back, “Sorry, I
can’t make it. I’ll make it up to you though, promise.” I shove the phone back
into my pocket as my house comes to view. I live in a one-story house with two
bedrooms and one bathroom. The yards aren’t that big but it’s enough to
entertain my dog Rex.
As I come up to the door
I can already hear nails scratching against the door and small whimpers. Rex
begins to pounce onto my legs as he welcomes me back home. I pet him and lead
him over to the kitchen as I prepare both of our dinners. For me a rack of ribs
with some rice and mashed potatoes and for Rex, a bowl of Pedigree wet dog
food. When I finished eating I took a quick shower and laid in bed for a while
before falling asleep
Screaming, endless
screaing. That is what I dreamed of last night, knowing that I was traumatized
and having nightmares because… I shook those thoughts out of my mind and began
to focus my thoughts onto getting out of bed and going to school. I left the
house once again, locking it before I left.
“Why am I having those
nightmares again? Why now?” I thought to myself, barely realizing that I had
already arrived at the university. I began to have those thoughts again during
class while also thinking about how good it would be if something exciting
happened again. Like the murder spree that happened a couple of years back.
There were sixty-eight victims, only seven of the bodies were found, the rest
were eaten. The police were able to capture the murderer right when he was
about to claim his sixty-ninth victim. As usual the day was as normal as any
other, spent some time with my friends, studied, texted and called my
girlfriend a couple of times, and then I started to watch some murder mystery
shows before going to sleep.
“Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why?! Why?! Why?!! Why!!!!!”
I woke up with those
words burned into my mind and for the rest of the week I couldn’t get it out of
my head. Luckily that changed when I turned on the TV and saw the news report.
“Another
disappearance has occurred here, the
victim a burly man by the name of Nick Patterson. More details will be
available later on in the investigation.”
“Finally some excitement
in this plain-old city.” I said to Rex as he stared at me with his head tilted
in a confused manner. The second I reached the classroom the only thing that
anyone was talking about was about the murder. Being interested in this type of
thing I started to converse with my classmates to see if I could find out
anything else about this case.
“I heard that he had his
head bashed in and then he was dragged away.”
“I heard that the killer
tried to drag him away but couldn’t, so instead he chopped him up into pieces,
put it into a bag and then took it away.”
“Well I heard that it is
probably the same guy that was eating people a few years back, but I really
hope that it isn’t, I don’t want to be eaten.”
I was practically running
home after hearing about all of this. Greeted again by Rex, I began to make the
same dinner, a rack of ribs with rice and mashed potatoes, but this time I
decided to give Rex some of the leftover meat I had.
“I wouldn’t want
Patterson to spoil, now would we Rex.” I said to myself as I bit into one on
the meatiest ribs that I have eaten in a long time, listening to the crack of
the bones and the sensation of the fat melting in my mouth.
I really like the intro part including the idea of the stars having an easy life, overpaying for a movie, and the way the character is so indifferent to his girlfriend. At first, these details seem to make the character relatable & almost trustworthy. At the same time, however, from the "nightmares" & "voices" you can tell there's something a little off about him. The end connects all of this together nicely. Good Job :)
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ReplyDeletewow! to start i loved the fact that the beginning leaves the reader with this sweet scenery, nothing striking as unusual, and as the piece continues it slowly gets darker and i could sense something suspicious. I could just visualize the whole scene in my head, well written!
ReplyDeleteWow, wow, wow, wow, wow. I cant believe he ended up being the killer. I absolutely love the imagery through out the piece especially in the end when he talks about eating his meat. Now I cant help but thinking, does his girlfriend know?!
ReplyDelete-Madelyn Duran
Interesting twist at the end, and nice flow with your writing. The pace help build with suspense and suspicion of the story, and made you think "what was this character up to?"
ReplyDeleteI liked the twist at the end its very well written nice job
ReplyDeleteThe weird the thing is I started to read this and I overlooked the name at the top but I wasn't even half way in when the first person I thought of was Brian. I can tell Mr. Anderson is rubbing off on you, you might as well have added that those twelve dollars were spent "watching light bounce off the walls and having the air vibrate". I really wasn't expecting the darker twist at the very end, I know I should've seen it coming but I guess I didn't. I really liked this piece and would honestly want o to read more of your writing or anything you come up with in a future.
ReplyDeleteNice solid build up. One moment the speaker is having a good time then suddenly the story starts to become more dark and gives off an ominous feeling. The last two sentences made the hairs on my arms stand. A very dark and sinister piece but i love it :>
ReplyDeleteThe imagery to start of the article was great! The vocabulary you used was very intellectual and used correctly. Although, I was lost for some parts in the article. I was hoping the questions I had would be answered but they never were. Besides that, great essay. -Joshua Kidwell
ReplyDeleteWhoa i really liked it ! I liked you made me trust this character and believe he was harmless and trustworthy. I also thought the town he was in was safe and sound. You tied things together well, because i was wondering why he was having the dreams and why he couldn't make it to the dinner too lol. I like how the character speaks to himself too, the things he says gives him a innocent feel to him. We readers don't know if he's crazy and blacks out when he murders people or if he knows what he's doing. The imagery with the meat really creeped me out aha it was great. Good Job :)
ReplyDelete-Shaniya Trotter
What a great story! I felt like everything flowed so nicely and I could see the images so clearly. The whole time I visualized this character as an innocent young boy, although he was having all these weird thoughts and dreams, I didn't think he would be the cause of all the occurrences. Loved the mystery, Beautiful job!
ReplyDelete- Aileen Munoz
Really well written! I had no idea the end was going to get darker, unexpected but really good twist, I also really liked the imagery you used, I could almost feel the sensations you were describing, overall it was really good with amazing detail and great plot!
ReplyDeletewow, that was a deep. i love the way you keep me in the clouds at first and brought it to an perfect ending. good job.
ReplyDelete- Janier Ajila
When you were talking about the stars having no care in the world and about your girl friend I thought this was going to be some chick flick but I was wrong.Great twist!
ReplyDeleteI very much enjoyed the flow and overall tone of the story. While the story was gradual and slow at first, its subtle yet shocking twist adds to a greater suspense and wow factor! Great Job! You really do have a knack for thrillers! :)
ReplyDelete-Maddie Alegria
This piece was really fun to read with all its different twists and turns developing throughout. The suspense really built up towards the end where as the reader you to wonder who the murderer was. Only to be revealed it was the main character was a really great plot twist. The characterization was great in a sense that you wouldn't have really known that the narrator was the killer except for the subtle hints in his interest at the deaths and adding Rex was a great factor as well. It showed his more caring side by illustrating that the narrator is capable of harboring more than just violent tendencies like murder. Overall really great work, it was suspenseful till the very end and enjoyable.
ReplyDeleteI loved the twist at the end and it was a great job keeping the reader intrigued and wanting a bit more background when the dreams were mentioned. I would've thought he was a victim of the killer until he became the actual killer, and that really caught me off guard. Nice work :)
ReplyDeleteDid not expect the end at all. I absolutely enjoyed how it starts off as a casual day only to end with a dramatic twist towards the end. I personally enjoyed the suspense that built up in the middle and have so many questions for the main character such as if he's ever feared getting caught. I could picture this whole plot as a horror movie and loved every aspect, amazing job!
ReplyDelete- Alyssa Tandoc
Man, you gave me goosebumps at the end there! Really nice use of imagery to paint an innocent picture of some average guy going through his daily routine. The twist at the end was very unexpected but provided a thrilling conclusion. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteWow! I really enjoyed the internal conflict your character faced. The story definitely kept me on the edge of my seat trying to see how it would pan out. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI appreciate the pace of the story it didn't climax immediately and crash before the reader delved farther in. Great twist. -Kamilah McMillon
ReplyDeleteWow! I'm still in shock! Did that just happen!? I absolutely loved how you shaped and built your main character. It felt as if I was right there, experiencing the everyday thoughts and ideologies of a man with peculiar background. Perhaps one of my favorite lines was when you used imagery to paint an image of the stars. Again, job well done! Please turn this into a novel, I need more.
ReplyDelete- Pavia Omolewa
I agree! The use of imagery was fantastic and very well done. I could almost hear the crunching bones and see life through the speakers eyes. It really seems like your an imagery pro!Great job!
DeleteWhen you were talking about the stars having no care in the world and perfect ending just wow.
ReplyDelete-Ashley lowman
Oh my gosh! This was insane in a good way. I did not expect the twist at the end. Great job of describing the secret, demented life of this "average" guy. Love the story!
ReplyDeleteI really liked the story. It had a nice flow the whole time and I could just visualize while i read it.
ReplyDeleteGreat read and very cleverly written! the beginning alludes to some sort of abnormality of the character but soon distracts the reader away from really pursuing what it may be till they are stunned by the shocking ending. looks like he had his own dinner plans for Saturday!
ReplyDelete-Kayla Salas
When I got to the end of the story, I had to refrain from looking at the last sentence, because I knew something sinister was about to happen. That keeps the reader interested and intrigued, especially how you made the character just an ordinary kid, with a dog, and a girlfriend, only to find out, well, he is not normal at all! I love that after reading the ending, it made me question everything the character did before, and when i was finished, I had to go back and see how everything the character did connected to the murder or foreshadowed it in some way. Amazing suspense and foreshadowing with a mix of imagery!
ReplyDelete-Chloe Hopkins
I loved how eerie the story was, and how we gained the perspective of a killer. Nicely written, good job!
ReplyDeleteMy, oh my. Interesting and captivating story! Talk about the tables being turned! I loved the literary devices you used in your story. Your use of imagery was really strong and will definitely make any reader hooked.
ReplyDelete- Gregory Gomez (P.3)
At first I simply thought your nonfiction was about a character going through nightmares, but once I finished reading I was in complete shock! I realized how the character ate ribs just the day before as well, so know I'm questioning if that was a previous victim or if it made the character crave more? I was absolutely intrigued by your writing, maybe you can do a continuation!
ReplyDelete- Diana Godinez
Wow this was a really interesting plot twist! I had no idea the main character was the killer. You really went into detail with your story and I actually imagined the whole entire thing in my head. I would say overall you did a really nice job telling this story and you have a nice creative mind!
ReplyDelete-Celeste Martinez
I really liked this story because your details were very good and really painted a picture for me. The twist at the end had me really intrigued. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThis was definitely an intriguing story to read! You were able to throw your readers through loops and turns by setting up what first seemed to be a normal day for a teenager and then suddenly revealing the true nature of your character. Great job at creating such a thrilling ending!
ReplyDelete-Sam Nugroho
I loved the way you made the character more relatable through his inner thoughts, and daily activities, but then threw in that MAJOR PLOT TWIST!!!!!!! It really added to the story as a whole telling the story from the view point of the murderer. Great use of details and imagery, as well as the brilliantly thought out story line.
ReplyDeleteGreat connection between the various aspects of the story all throughout. I absolutely adored the way you built up your revelation towards the end, with every paragraph seeming to uncover more about the speaker's true identity and actions. However, I wanted to see a bit more sentence variation since it would definitely help how your piece was set up. Overall, a very intriguing and challenging story to stomach. Amazing!!
ReplyDeleteGreat connection between all the various aspects mentioned all throughout the story. I LOVED the method in which you utilized mystery and character development, which gave off a very uneasy and misleading feeling about the speaker. However, I wanted to see a variation between the sentence structure as well as the use of generic first person (make the surrounding aspects live!). Overall, a VERY intriguing and challenging story to stomach. Amazing work!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery at the beginning did a really great job at portraying the main character as normal because he did normal things, like go to the movies. The description of the stars made you like the main character at first. Addition of minor characters such as his dog, and his girlfriend were perfect in building up the character's "normalness". Plot twist really caught me off guard!
ReplyDeleteWow! great plot twist and i love the use of your imagery in the sentence about the stars and how they look like " sparkling diamonds pasted in the sky." I like the way you built your story and how it ended in kind of like a mystery and it left me at the edge of my seat so great job.-Kaelin Bone
ReplyDeleteI really did enjoy the way that this story had you wondering what the main character of the story was going through.The way he was described as constantly having flashbacks and nightmares of past events was good use of foreshadowing as to who the murderer was in the story.
ReplyDelete~Ryan Kang
I just want to start by saying I absolutely loved this piece Brian. When I finished is I started shouting and hitting my floor in shock, frustration(towards the character and myself) and general amazement on how surprising and good this piece was. It's cool how you left small, basically unnoticeable, hints about the end throughout the piece. I think it was so cool how you made the guy a typical college student with a girlfriend, an apartment, dog, and friends. It adds an excellent contrast to the end and the true habits of the character.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the sensory details given to the reader from beginning to end of this entire story it allowed for the reader to fully through themselves into the piece by being able to feel every bump, smell every scent, and hear every sound.
ReplyDelete-Reymie Morris
I really loved how you kept it flowing. It made me keep reading until the end, and I'm glad I did! It was an awesome ending! -Marissa Putrick
ReplyDeletehonestly, this was a fantastic story. i was totally not expecting the ending. i thought the psycho was a survivor at first! very nice plot and character development. the description of the character really lured the audience to believe that he was innocent. again, fantastic job!
ReplyDeleteThat plot twist!!!! I honestly did not see that coming, especially with the fact that the speaker seemed to be quite bored with his life or the fact that he HAS A GIRLFRIEND! And the addition of his pet made it even more of a surprise that he was a killer, because usually loving people have pets...not killers! Great story, great plot twist!
ReplyDeleteI really love how the story flowed. It was really descriptive, - Camille B.
ReplyDeleteI really like how the ending was completely unexpected. I never would've imagined that he was the killer by the way your story started. Great job :)
ReplyDelete-Kathlyn Juarez
I like that I did not see it coming whatsoever!!! Something wasn't sitting right with my mind, I was iffy about the character, I love the story, your details and imagery were on point and added a nice flow!!!
ReplyDelete-Oyinda Akinnusi
Really exceptional piece. It reminds me of Roald Dahl's short story "Lamb to the Slaughter" which just like this story makes the reader question others morality.
ReplyDelete-Luke Riddington
First off Brian, your imagery in the first few sentences was very captivating. What really got me excited to read the story with such enthusiasm was the element of lingering mystery. The more I read the more I got excited to continue reading it. The way you made the story and the charter plot build, the greater the climax was at the end of the story ,Brilliant! Honestly, this reminded me of an episode of The twilight zone, because they too have dynamic suspense and drawl out the story to have a gigantic reveal in the end. -Brittany Hackney
ReplyDeleteReally great story and really loved the twist at the end. Keep up the great work.
ReplyDeleteGreat plot twists. Way to draw the reader in. I appreciate the best change in the writing toward the end
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece especially how the tone changed as you continued with the pice it was a good attention graber great job!
ReplyDeleteGreat story love how you started with a normal character, then built up to the plot twist by using his nightmares to convey his mental state, and finally revealing that he was the killer everyone was talking about. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDelete-Damian Echavarria
I loved the twist at the end it was unexpected. Good job!
ReplyDelete-Maite
Wow is what I have to say, this story was absolutely sinister, crazy, and quite unexpected, but I LOVED it. I truly did not see that coming especially since you played the boy out to seem as a normal teenager, going out to a movie, having a girlfriend, and playing with his dog Rex. This story kept me on my toes and I was kind of bored in the beginning but once it got to all the good stuff, you had me hooked. Keep up the great work Brian! - Allyssa Flores
ReplyDeleteI really like how it started off all nice and he just seemed like a regular dude, But then it got weird and made the reader suspicious. And it reminded me of Sweeney Todd which made me like it even more. -Tabitha Hier
ReplyDeleteWow. I actually gasped so loud that I scared my grandma. Great plot twist at the end and I didn't even expect that to happen. I like the amount of imagery and detail you used in the story as it really helped me to visualize what was happening in the story. Wonderful job and I would love to read more stories like this!
ReplyDelete- Alan Viernes
I really really liked the twist part at the end and also the intro part, it was so interesting!!!
ReplyDelete-Anita Kong
The way you set up the story is amazing. My mouth dropped when reading the last line. The way you indulge into the speaker's mind and his inner dilemma with the nightmares gives the plot a even bigger plot twist. Great Work Brian!
ReplyDeleteThe imagery in the very beginning were amazing and I was not expecting this ending at all! Very enticing!
ReplyDeleteWow, I really liked how you made the main character so relatable with how he reacted to the movie prices and his reactions to other people's actions. I liked the buildup of the story how it went from seemingly a normal day to a lot of excitement and confusion.
ReplyDelete-Jeremiah Eugenio
WOW! Great story. I didn't expect that this is going to be this great. I loved the twist at the end and I enjoyed reading your story.
ReplyDeleteWow this was really great! For a short piece, the plot was well developed. I'd only suggest some transitions for the scene changes but overall I enjoyed the morbid humor, especially at the end.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this. I'm not going to lie, I kind of guessed the ending as soon as you mentioned the murder spree but that's probably just because I would've written the same thing. As far as the writing goes, it's a true hallmark of a great writer to be able to trick your readers into trusting a character that they shouldn't. And you accomplished that flawlessly.
ReplyDelete"listening to the crack of the bones and the sensation of the fat melting in my mouth" this is so haunting, yet so delicious. Your superlative command of imagery leaves me breathless, hungry, and also adds a sinister atmosphere to the entire story when re-read! Great job yo.
ReplyDelete-Big Christopher Trevino
"listening to the crack of the bones and the sensation of the fat melting in my mouth" this is so haunting, yet so delicious. Your superlative command of imagery leaves me breathless, hungry, and also adds a sinister atmosphere to the entire story when re-read! Great job yo.
ReplyDelete-Big Christopher Trevino
The excitement continued to build as the story went on and I was captivated by your use of imagery. I loved the plot twist because in the beginning I was fooled by him just being a normal Joe type of guy but as the story went on, as the reader we saw his complexity, very well done building up the suspense. -Sienna Carbajal
ReplyDeleteVery nice story! Iam not going to write about the twist because everyone else is. Basically, the grammar was on point, and so was your spelling, (though I noticed a typo.) Keep writing! The more you develop the skills, the better you become. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteWow! What a surprising and amazing twist at the end! I found the whole story very ironic, nice job!
ReplyDeleteWow! What an ironic twist at the end that I was not expecting! It left you feeling disturbed, good job!
ReplyDeleteI didn't expect that coming at the end, hope we can see more from you!
ReplyDelete- Matthew Bio
I think it was cool how the character seemed normal in the beginning and then you added the plot twist. Nice job on that! It was a nice surprise.
ReplyDeleteI think it was cool how the character seemed normal in the beginning and then you added the plot twist. Nice job on that! It was a nice surprise.
ReplyDeleteI'll be honest, I was confused where the dreams were taking me at first. When he kept calling the murders exciting, I finally realized. Then the news broadcast started and I definitely felt the chills. This story is like the prequel to that show "Dexter". Good stuff!
ReplyDeleteWow! What a great way to make make a twist. Making us relate to an seemingly average character only to realize in horror that they're a un-remorseful cannibal; amazing!
ReplyDeleteWow! What a great way to make make a twist. Making us relate to an seemingly average character only to realize in horror that they're a un-remorseful cannibal; amazing!
ReplyDeleteCan i just say that my expectations definitely took a turn, the imagery was captivating and the conclusion was quite brilliant!!!!
ReplyDeleteCan i just say that my expectations took a huge turn, the imagery was captivating, and the plot twist was BRILLIANT!!!
ReplyDeleteI jumped back and was like "yooooo" but really, loved the imagery and it genuinely had me surprised. Great work!
ReplyDelete-Blue Andrade
I jumped back and was like "yooooo" but really, loved the imagery and it genuinely had me surprised. Great work!
ReplyDelete-Blue Andrade
Wow! That plot twist just blew me away. I had to read it twice because it was so good.
ReplyDeleteWow! That plot twist just blew me away. I had to read it twice because it was so good.
ReplyDeleteI never saw that coming. That was such a great ending.
ReplyDeleteAmazing story. I love the flow from the normality and lightness of it to the darker side.
ReplyDelete- Francis Piolo
Amazing story. Love how it transitioned from normal and light to dark.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this story. You used very great imagery. Every time I read I could just picture everything that was happening. You also had very great detail when you described your imagery like the way the sky looked and the food he made etc. - Kaiya Hassoun
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this story. You used very great imagery. Every time I read I could just picture everything that was happening. You also had very great detail when you described your imagery like the way the sky looked and the food he made etc.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, the transitions could have been better. Making the first portion of the story shorter could have helped and I think the whole gf thing was unnecessary. Good ending, but I saw it coming.
ReplyDeleteWOW! Great Job on the use of imagery. You really grabbed my attention and I loved your syntax throughout the entire story. Great transition from light to heavy: overall great story and thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete-Nahome Woldearegay
WOW! Great Job on the use of imagery. You really grabbed my attention and I loved your syntax throughout the entire story. Great transition from light to heavy: overall great story and thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete-Nahome Woldearegay
Incredible story! I loved how the character is seemingly trust worthy until it is revealed who he truly is. The use of imagery was skillful and it tied the enitre story together.
ReplyDelete-Jerelle Medina
I had to read this honestly I didn't expect the ending but I grew really suspicious as the story started to continue on with a darker feel. I thought you had really good imagery and detail in your story I really didn't see that coming.
ReplyDeleteI loved the twist at the end! The plot progressed slowly but when it got to the point, it was worth the read.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! The details of the character in the beginning definitely made it seem more realistic!
ReplyDelete-Korbie Sevilla
I was amazed I loved the imagery with describing the girlfriend and the end blew me away! -Blake
ReplyDeleteamazing build up for an outstanding story. The plot twist really caught me off guard
ReplyDeleteGreat ending! I enjoyed your use of dialogue throughout the story, and the way you made the character likable at first. I would try avoiding directly describing some things, (such as the apartment or the food), and force the reader to guess more, however it flowed very well!
ReplyDeleteThis was one of the better stories out of the five. Your portrayal of the main character at the beginning of the story allowed the reader to be convinced of his innocence so that when you revealed that the main character was the canibal, the reader is left in shock. Although, the story did get a little predicable.
ReplyDeleteAs said many times before, the shift of the tone from each section of the story really drew me in as I read. The plot was wishy-washy up until the end. The transitions into the different moods were excellent though. It went from a lighthearted tone in the beginning with the girlfriend and theater and then to a fearful atmosphere created by the murderer and then at the very end, we are left with a incredible shift into disgust and horror as we place all the pieces of the puzzle together. Very well written story.
ReplyDeleteAmazing build up for an outstanding story. The plot twist caught me off guard
ReplyDeleteThe foreshadowing of events leading up to the eventual realization of Brian's personality was well-thoughtout and wonderfully executed.
ReplyDeleteamazing build up for an outstanding story. The plot twist caught me off guard.
ReplyDelete-Devyn Palma
First paragraph and I was hooked! great job.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. I love the flow and transitions. Made it very easy to want to read again
ReplyDeleteI love how the story flipped. It was a very nice piece
ReplyDelete-Sierra Guitron