The Big Day
So today is the big day I am moving out of my dad’s house but I know it will not be easy. As I am packing my bags he walks in and says “What are you doing?!” and I answered “I am leaving God doesn’t want me to live in this house anymore” he says “I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR GOD I AM GOD IN THIS HOUSE AND I SAY YOU ARE NOT LEAVING” i looked at him and I chuckled I could not take this man seriously what do you mean I cannot leave I am nineteen years old I make my own decisions. So I continued to pack my bags and as I started towards my bedroom door he jumps in front of me and I say “please move dad’ (just to be nice) but knowing him he wasn’t going to move so I prepared myself for a fight. We began to struggle he snatched one of my bags out of my hands and threw it across the room he yells again “YOU ARE NOT LEAVING” he grabs me by the arm his grip was so tight that I could feel my circulation being cut off. I used the second bag in my hand and smacked him across the face I yelled “LET ME GO” he fell back frazzled I saw that as my chance to escape so I bolted towards the stairs I could hear him running after me. The only thoughts that were running through my head were “HANNAH YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW” “RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN THIS MAN HAS THE ABLITY TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW” I continued down the stairs and on the very last step I tripped and landed on my face “Damn It” I said I quickly tried to pull myself back up but I felt a familiar grip again this time it was tighter and stronger there was no way I could escape now my dad stands towering over me I see a nasty smirk on his face I looked down at his hand and I saw and object he lifted it up and I lifted my hand to block my face and yelled “NO”…….. everything goes BLACK
I'm not an expert...but I'm pretty sure the dad can be locked up for a long time for doing this. Anyways, I'm glad to see it's labeled "fiction" and not "personal narrative."
ReplyDeleteThe ending was such a trip....you had me so so so nervous for Hannah...oh dear lord...nice build up of suspense and nice cliff-hanger ending! Great job!
ReplyDeleteThe capitalization gave more of a voice to the story. The dark tone was one that I enjoyed, and also find in my writing as well.
ReplyDeleteYour'e such an amazing writer!! The ending was very sad, but I really liked finality of it all. Great job!
ReplyDeletethank you for making this short and easy but the story gave a scary tone with the caps and the ending had me like what but fun story.
ReplyDeleteWow what an encapturing story. It really brought to light the abuse that many children all around the world feel everyday. II like how the story ends with "everything goes black" instead of putting a final statement about the situation. Being the ever optimist, I believe that the girl will live and be able to get help. Overall Ggood job in on your writing!
ReplyDeleteThis makes me angry that some dads are really violent like that. The topic you chose was a good decision because we can relate to wanting freedom and independence, plus rebellion. The story provokes rebellion in the beginning but as I continued reading, it was more of a fight to survive and I felt as if I was there with you. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteI hope this isn't based on personal experience, but this really had an impact on me. We take for granted the love we have in our families, but the reality is that some don't. Great job!
ReplyDeletei totally agree with trevor up there, i was kind of taken back by this story because it felt super odd that the dad would be so mean and controlling over his 19 year old daughter.. The capitalization made this story have more of an aggressive tone which was a nice touch
ReplyDeleteThis really makes people think about how reality really is nowadays. This was intense! I liked your intensity throughout the whole story! good job.
ReplyDeleteYour story was so suspenseful, I found myself reading it fast because I wanted to reach a happy ending where Hannah escapes that world. When it ended in a black out, I was thinking "No, now I'll never know what really happened". Very nice cliff hanger!
ReplyDeleteoh, way to get the blood flowing. Sweet buhjeebies. This works in first person but I'm curious to see how it would play out in third, like maybe an emotion was narrating...the anger. "I can feel myself growing stronger. I'll gain control. She can't escape..." I dunno. or the black, something interesting to play with. I hope you continue the story. thank you for sharing:)
ReplyDeleteomg ! this was really interesting like i was expecting to read more but it ended so soon i really love the suspense :)
ReplyDeleteI liked how the last word was BLACK, i don't know it kinda wrapped it all up for me and emphasized what the father's action did. I really love sad endings with deaths of main characters, cliff hangers and just general stuff like that because its such a twist, you expect for Hannah to get away and leave that life behind but she doesn't, it makes it more interesting. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWhen i first started reading this, i thought the "Big Day" was about a girl moving out of the house heading off to college, but as i read through the mid section i noticed that the father did not want his daughter to leave and at the end it seems "everything goes dark" as a way of emphasizing that her own father might have killed her.. Woah it seems so suspenseful! i hope this isn't inspired by a true story. I wonder what had happen and why it suddenly went dark? Great Job!
ReplyDeleteAs sick as this may sound, I love the plot line of the story and the extremely dark images that comes into one's mind from a threat like that from a figure that is assumed to be so extremely domineering. It was excellently written and I can only hope the best for the star of your story.
ReplyDeleteOHMYGOSH talk about suspense and intensity! i loved your ending because it made me want to read more! this was really good, way to keep me interested throughout the whole story(: great job!
ReplyDeleteOh, man. Did not see that coming. Never assume a plot based on the title itself. Good use of the CAPS LOCK. I could hear his rage, used to restrain his daughter. It was like the Captial letters were glaring at Hannah. Again, did not see that coming
ReplyDeleteSuch an intense story! It kept me on my toes to find out what happened to Hannah. The odd breaks in the sentences and the constant caps to un-caps letters created a dramatic feel to the story and made the piece a thriller. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis story was really invoking because it made me feel some sort of concern for you. Good thing this is fiction! Keep it up, i think that your really talented.
ReplyDeleteThere was so much going on in this story compared to its size. The capitalization worked really well here and made me feel like I was the main character trying to save myself.
ReplyDeletewhoa. my mouth was literally wide open at the end. I legit thought at first that this was a personal narrative. I was about to cry for you lol but then I read that she was nineteen and I started breathing again. Really good and really short. very well written. good job!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, I cannot. I would have just like punch the dad in the face. That's really scary though. The capitalization really impacted the diction and voice of this story.
ReplyDeleteI assume this is how Freddy Krueger would react if his daughter tried to leave him (how he had a daughter in the first place is another story haha). Good job, I liked the emotion behind it.
ReplyDeleteWOAH...this was intense! loved the clifhanger at the end. great job!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Angela, the title and intro made me think so positively and then BOOM brawl for survival and that fight or flight sensation was only intensified through how dark the father's actions were and through how short the story was. Good read.
ReplyDeletestory written so well it almost feels like a personal narrative. its more than just intense, its really kind of scary. I KNOW ITS NOT ASKED OF BUT YOU SHOULD KEEP THIS STORY GOING , ITS GREAT
ReplyDeleteYIKES. I knew this was no fairy tale because the thrill made my own blood rush with anxiety.
ReplyDeleteWow! I love Hannah and the strength she possessed to stand up to her father. I didn't like how just when I think she is going to escape, she doesn't and then what?Before I read that this girl's name was Hannah , I thought it was a real experience, and I got really scared and didn't want to finish it. :(
ReplyDeleteThis almost reminds me of domestic violence. It was so intense, and those CAPS LOCK; I liked how the CAPS emphasized the dialogue.
ReplyDeleteWow what an intense story, it was dark and so sad. It definitely made me want to keep reading and kept me in hopes for a happy ending, and the fact that there isn't leaves for a great tragic story. Well done!
ReplyDeleteTHIS IS SOOOOOO INTENSE! EVEN FROM THE FIRST COUPLE SENTENCES! I literally scream NOOO! when Hannah fell i was sitting there like "WHHHHYYYYYY??????" gosh this story really had me at the edge of my seat.. i think i almost got teary eyed when hannah felt the grip! lol anyways amazing Job You just dont know how much i loved this i really felt my heart rushing! again AMAZING JOB
ReplyDeleteWow! That's a pretty crazy story! I definitely wish I could read more! I think you did a good job of making the passage short and intense, but I really want to know more!
ReplyDeleteThis was so intense and suspenseful! I was sooooooooooo tense reading this short story. I love how you created a dramatic feel to your story, by using capitals constantly. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteMy first thought was, "Woah was this her personal experience?!" But then I caught on. Great vivid dialogue and imagery! Your capitalization really intensified the tension between Hannah and her father and I could feel and sense the danger and fear that was being tossed around within the dynamic between the characters.
ReplyDeleteI like how you used suspense! it got me to continue reading to see what would happen next.
ReplyDeleteThe story overall basically shouted out ABUSE and also COURAGE! The story development as Hannah tries to stand up to her father gives obvious characteristics and sets the stage for a flashy climax. Also, I feel Hannah was a symbol of courage and independence as she attempts valiantly to escape the father which to me was a symbol of control and foolishness for trying to play God. Overall this read was simple from one perspective while from another it can be a lot more compelling.
ReplyDeleteI liked the suspenseful tone throughout the story and the capitalization of some lines made the story much more thrilling.
ReplyDeletewow this was a really intense piece. I didn't know you had this in you, but this is really good and suspenseful.
ReplyDeleteAhaha whoah, I thought this was at first going to be a playful argument, but then it escalated to complete violence. It makes me question why the girl 'can't take the man seriously', yet at the end she ran away frightened.
ReplyDeleteIf I had an abusive father I would've moved out ages ago, not at 19. Lol.
Good use of adding in quotations!
The ending...WOW! I absolutely loved this story, such a great story line and climax! GREAT JOB!
ReplyDeleteThis was a true twist and turn that just jeot me at the edge of my seat. Your work was able to capture the vivid details that occur in home all across the nation and other countrie. Some children and even teenagers are suffering from abuse and have no way of controlling it as they also live in fear to speak. I think this is a delicate topic and you where able to introduce it with such delicacy and your vividness alsi captured the idea as well
ReplyDeleteCouldn't stop reading until the very end. The suspense had me the whole time. Also, a great ending with the word black in all capital letters.
ReplyDeleteI LOVED that you used Caps lock for the areas where the dialogue is intense, it just adds to the intensity of the short story, very nice work. loved it
ReplyDeleteThis was so intense and suspenseful. Your capitalization really emphasized the situation and emotion. Great job!
ReplyDeletewow, suspenseful yet calm..great job!
ReplyDeletethat was uhmm.. INTENSE. such a sad story but I loooove the ending even though itsnot a hppy one, or good, for her,... anyways I love how brief it is but ahh the emotion can burst through the computer !
ReplyDeleteMy god, I was about to question if this was a narrative but thank god it wasn't. The use if caps made the story much more suspenseful
ReplyDeleteReading this makes me want to know why its all happening, cause I have no clue where this story is going to go next.
ReplyDeleteVery Intense Story!!! This left me wanting to read more. So much Suspense.
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