Pusher
So
Cold. Why is it so cold out here? I shouldn’t be cold right now. I should be at
home, in my dingy one bedroom apartment, sitting on my torn sofa, eating
dinner. Why can’t I feel my hands or my toes or my legs? I don’t understand.
Everything should go perfect tonight. This is one of the most important nights
of my life. This could make or break me. If this goes as planned, I’ll be
saying good bye to my little apartment. It’s a real shit hole, but it’s my shit
hole and I’m proud of it; I bought it all by myself with the money I earned.
Sure it wasn’t exactly earned the proper way, but I still earned it. Where is
this guy? It’s almost 11 o’clock. So cold. My boss is going to be so mad. He
said that the guy was going to be here by 10:30 p.m. Why isn’t he here yet? I miss
my mum. I should go see her tomorrow. I haven’t seen my mum in ages. She
worries about me. “The streets are no place for a lad like you Harry,” she
would say. “How am I supposed to help support you and Anastasia if I don’t
sacrifice something,” was always my reply. See, I love my family. I would die
for them, especially my younger sister. She really is my whole entire world. I
was only five years old when she was born. After she was born, my father left.
I vowed from that moment on I would do anything to protect and support my
sister and mum the way my father wouldn’t. My mum is the strongest person I
know. She struggled to raise us and did a great job too. My sister is 17 now and that worries me.
She’s beautiful and I see the way men look at her. I’d die before I let anyone
hurt her in anyway. When we were younger we would always go to this pond behind
our house and sit there and talk for hours. She would tell me about—Where the
hell is this guy? I’ve been standing here freezing for almost an hour. Why
can’t I feel my arms anymore? Oh there’s the guy! Wait. Why is walking towards
someone else when I’m clearly right here. He knows what I look like. No! He was
supposed to give me the bag not that other boy! Oh no. oh no. oh no. He shot
him. He shot him. Should I help this kid? Dammit! This wasn’t supposed to
happen like this. I hope this kid is okay. “Hey kid are you—“ Oh my god. This
isn’t right. This can’t be right. I’m dreaming. That can’t be me on the floor.
I feel so cold. So cold.
Soo perfect! I wish I could write like you! This is soo great I could read it over and over! GREAT JOB!
ReplyDeleteI can't help but wonder what's going on. I feel like the purpose of this style of writing is to reel me into the story so I applaud you and your writing.
ReplyDeleteThe ending was soooo unexpected, but I loved it! I admire your ability to form an amazing story in a single paragraph :)
ReplyDeleteWe're allowed to say "shit" in our stories? :D Now THAT is some fantastic writer's voice. Good job Alani, this was very enjoyable to read.
ReplyDeleteThis is sooo good! like i really wanna keep reading like no lie! Amazing job!
ReplyDeleteOh gosh lani I love it aha I absolutely love the structure of the story how the anticipation is clearly set through and You could feel his anxiousness, and then bam slapp in the face mouth dropper, he's seeing himself dead..
ReplyDeleteI love the use of fragmented sentences because it reflects how the mind really thinks with short and easily distractable thoughts. That syntax helps to draw in the reader in a deeper level of personal connection. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI was so confused. But I liked the way this was structure and the way it could be said out loud. It made me cold.
ReplyDeleteHahahaha i liked how you added "shit" in there i wasnt aware we could do that :o but anyways your story really reeled me in i wanted to know more about the conversation between him and Anastasia for some reason i could picture the pond scene soooo vividly, the story ended with shocking twist i wasnt expecting to happen! what was in that bag, why was a gun involved in the first place ... hmmm great story make a part 2!
ReplyDeleteI like the nice twist you put in the end, but at the same time I was like nooo, it can't be over yet. I like your use of flashbacks in the story too, nice job :)
ReplyDeleteWOAH. WHAT!?! THAT TWIST WAS FANTASTIC, WHEN YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THIS STORY LAST WEEK AND WOULDN'T TELL ME THE PLOT OR ANYTHING I ASSUMED WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IN MY HEAD AND THIS WAS A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN ANYTHING I EXPECTED. sorry for my overexcitement. The best part was when he went on his tangent about his family I was begging for more (still am actually).
ReplyDeleteThe anticipation of the story was great all the way through, reading each word had me wanting to read faster to find out what happens next! Good job!
ReplyDeleteDamn, I love the turns this story took! The way it ended was amazing! At first, I felt like I was ahead of the story, but just as I was reaching the end, I had to re-read to make sure I hadn't misread! Great job!
ReplyDeletei loved the twist in the story i really want to know more great job!
ReplyDeleteReally cool twist, made it very interesting. I liked how you were using present voice but then it switched into him describing hi family and his motivations, it gave him more of a realistic person, rather than just an unspecific character in a story. Also enjoyed the use of repetition, fantastic job!
ReplyDeleteThe ending was so unexpected! This was full of so much suspense. I wonder what was in the bag and what would happen next!
ReplyDeleteAlani!!! Props girl! I was so engaged I loved how we got a glimpse of his personal life and how different it was compared to the act he was doing! I love how Harry had an out of body experience in the end! Genius!
ReplyDeletePlot twist!
ReplyDeleteI like the random thoughts you added in there. It added a really nice touch to the story!
I really liked this!! It was so interesting to me and just from the first sentence I knew it was going to be a good story :)
ReplyDeleteAlani! This was absolutely an amazing short story. I felt like you became the character. I thought at the end it was just going to end with the man finally meeting her but PLOT TWIST. I also liked how you created a stream of consciousness for the girl. Very creative and dramatic!
ReplyDelete-Mackenzie Hopkins
mmmmmm. I enjoy stream of conscience works:) The quick switches made me read faster, great job in diving so deep into the characters mind in such a short amount of time. The diction makes me curious of the setting...where does this take place? During what era? The real burn for me was how he started out so cold, and ended the same, really slick through line. Its as if the ending is actually where it began, ya know what i mean? thank you for sharing
ReplyDeleteYou did an excellent job of really making your reader want to know more. Just like most of the other readers stated, when, where, who...excuse my language but what the hell is going on! I love the point of view that you had through the whole work and really captivating your reader!
ReplyDeleteOkay so I read this story the first time a coupkle weeks ago, and then I read it again a couple hours ago and now I m reading it for a third time, and yet it still encaptures me. Very "cool" story! (hah pun) But yeah oh and I didnt notice the title at first and then I just noticed it and now I understand the plot better. I now see Mrs. Solano's right about the utmost importance of a title.
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing short story! I want to know what happens next! I could imagine the whole scene, you have a great gift! I loved how you went from one thing to another, it kept it interesting! AMAZING JOB!!(:
ReplyDeleteWow this was such a well written story! The ending totally caught me off guard!
ReplyDeleteWoah..............That was AWESOME! The perspective really got my curious and that ending really just hit me in the face! The way the speaker was talking gave me empathy for him because of the sacrifices he had to make in order to survive. Another factor was how he was feeling "cold", it had me curious but I was fooled thinking it was the weather. Then, BOOM! The bullet lodging through the boy was as shocking to the character as it was to me! Awesome job Alani!
ReplyDeleteAlthough I got sort of confused, I loved this whole piece! There was alot going on which made me want to read more and see what would happen next!
ReplyDeleteYou had me drawn in from your first sentence Alani. I absolutely loved the personal point of view, the way we were able to hear and feel the speaker's thoughts and emotions, I loved how you kept the suspense going, keeping everything ambiguous to the audience until the very end, and I absolutely loved your ending! So powerful and captivating! Excellently written :)
ReplyDeleteThe entire plot is so twisted and wow! The Title "Pusher" Reminds me of the Justin Timberlake's Song "Pusher Love Girl" in a way. i really like this Alani! Great job! Everything got me so curious and it shows how much emotion this piece has so much.
ReplyDeleteeven though me and alani don't get along i liked this because i liked all the different ideas, and how it was abstract and not so boring. Good stuff alani, finally! =D
ReplyDeleteDang..... your writing style is very unique and I like it. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThis is amazing! It is so creative and so interesting! I just had to read it a couple more times and I absolutely love the entire story! You kept me interested the whole time and when you cut off talking about the children's childhood I still wanted to read more!
ReplyDeleteWow, this was amazing. The ending was very unexpected! I was hooked on from the very beginning and even read it a couple times. I like these types of stream of conscience works...great job!
ReplyDeleteIs your person British? 'Cause I totally got that vibe from your diction with "mum" and "lad". But then again, they call apartments flats over there...don't mind me I tend to over speculate menial details like that. ANYWAYS I like how you organized the story where you introduce that something ominous is occurring with your character, and then break with a stream of consciousness, where your protagonist examines all the prominent tribulations in his life. After his own self-examination he inevitably perishes from the danger of the situation. So, what really grabbed me was how before his death, he was able to put his life in perspective as demonstrated by the relationships with his mother and sister.
ReplyDelete*Kablooweee* ...yeah that was my brain exploding, hahah great story! I really felt like the guy was a real dude ...its a bummer about how he went out though all he was trying to do was support his family :\
ReplyDeleteThis story draws you in so much because of the mystery what will happen what is happening, and that's what makes it great.
ReplyDeletecrazy story love the twist so shocking and breath taking, I really loved it girl :)
ReplyDeleteGreat use of thoughts put together. I like how you told a story in a short paragraph
ReplyDeleteWow the ending really caught me by surprise. And the jumpy thought process of the speaker really drew me in.
ReplyDeleteWow! Talk about the next blockbuster film. Alani your story kept me at the edge of my seat, it was amazing the tension, the mistery and the dramtic scene was well played. The way to lead to the climax was awsome and aslo your form of wrting is well controlled and deliberate I hope you can tell us how it ends. Other than that you did an amazing job.
ReplyDeleteWhat?! Alani why would you do that to me? I was getting excited because it sounded like a cool story and then you just killed Harry. Why? :(
ReplyDelete