It was June 21, 2022, the day I met the boy I thought was my world. Unfortunately, it was him who caused me to lose myself. Teenage love is complicated, especially when two individuals are grappling with their own insecurities, seeking affection, validation, or just attention. In our case, we were simply two young people attempting to share a deep connection, oblivious to the complexities and consequences of love.
When we first met, I was a relatively happy girl with high standards and clear values. For 15 years, I adhered to these standards, driven by ambitious goals and deep values that guided me in school, relationships, and self-reflection. I held most of these values because of my mom; I never wanted to disappoint her, and I did not want to make the same mistakes she regretted. I remember promising my mom, and myself, that I'd never let a boy disrespect me, control my life, and most importantly, I would never settle for someone who did not make me happy. While I was very well adjusted during that period of my life, he, on the other hand, was a lost boy who struggled mentally and was burdened by family issues. I became his listener and gave him support that eventually transformed our late-night talks into something deeper. I played a role in saving him from the depths of despair and transformed him from a lost soul with no hope to someone who learned to love himself and me. His love at this time was comforting, a rarity in a family where affection was never expressed. I felt special and finally appreciated.
Like any other relationship, ours had its ups and downs. We were on and off after a couple of months together. During our first breakup, he left without reason, and I fell into a depression that left me feeling lost. For those months together, I did nothing but love him with all my heart. Confused about what I did wrong, I beat myself up, only to find out he left for another girl. I ranted to my sister and best friend every day, questioning why he would hurt me. I felt used. It was as if he had leaned on my guidance to find his way in life, only to leave me lost and alone. This worsened my depression, leading to the lowest times in my life. I was leaving school early or not going, despite school formerly being my top priority. I stopped eating, as I felt sick every time I looked at food, and distanced myself from friends and family. No one knew the extent of my struggles and the thoughts I had scared me. Frequent panic attacks and a genuine hatred for waking up every day became my reality for two months.
Then, he re-entered my life, and joy overwhelmed me. I believed his return would erase my problems, but he had transformed into someone unrecognizable—a cold and disrespectful version of the sweet boy I once knew. Despite this change, I was simply happy he was back. I unwittingly enabled him to talk down to me, cheat with other girls, use me, and deceive me with lies. Blinded by love, I lost more of myself as he manipulated and guilt-tripped me.
Since I allowed him to mistreat me so badly, he felt no remorse in leaving me again for another girl, perpetuating the familiar cycle. I questioned my worth, wondering what I did to deserve this repeated heartache. But, like clockwork, he returned, and I, ever hopeful, took him back with open arms. This time, it seemed different. Our arguments matured, and he claimed to have changed. I was ecstatic to see him return to the boy I fell in love with. He was finally appreciating me and realizing how his actions had hurt me and was taking accountability for it. I forgave him once again, and we were happy for 10 months. However, he slowly drifted away again due to his friends’ bad influence, causing me to finally take it as a sign to reflect and call things off with him.
I found myself mentally, emotionally, and physically drained by the toxic patterns of our love. Despite giving him numerous chances to be a better boyfriend and person, each time proved him unworthy of my forgiveness. It became clear that you cannot change someone who does not want to change, and despite the genuine laughter and love we shared, my self-respect suffered the most damage. Now, I needed the undivided attention and care that I formerly devoted to him. Over a year of constant disappointment, heartache, and betrayal taught me invaluable lessons. While I don't regret the time I spent with him or the love I gave, I recognize the importance of prioritizing my well-being. This experience convinced me to start putting myself first and refusing to tolerate anyone’s disrespect. I now know what I deserve and what I should expect in future relationships. This journey allowed me to discover more about myself—my needs, boundaries, and the importance of not letting others take advantage of me. I cannot let people walk over me so easily because, at the end of the day, all I have is myself, and I need to treasure that more.
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