Fear--Zahirah

 

It was a ordinary Friday, as me and my family embarked on a trip to Las vegas where I looked forward to

indulge myself in all the festivities and spend time with my family. After a very entertaining weekend it

was time to return home. The car ride back was calm, echoing with laughter and voices of me and my

sister singing songs together, until a sudden jolt that altered the car ride. My gaze shifted towards my

siser, whom I saw vomiting next to me. I felt completely blank all of a sudden. Although I have been

surrounded my this before, emptiness rendered my mind and all I felt inside me was an overwhelming

sense of fear. My stomach began to knott with anxiety, I felt waves of panic approaching, and my body

prohibited me from moving to go and help my sister. April of 2018 marked my biggest hit of anxiety,

worries, and fear. I became desperate to escape the reality in front of me that I sought refuge in my

headphones, hoping music would drift my fears and take away the dreadful pain of watching what my

sister was enduring. I expected things to be back to normal the next day. Although it wasn't. Little did I

know that this one experience catalyzed a series of fears unraveling throughout my life. My fears sparked

me to become afraid of the unknown, overthinking, and distanced me from where I was being valued.

Being a mere 12 year old, I grappled with these emotions and tried to navigate through them with a

consistent lack of understanding. I attempted confiding to my mother, but she had been sick for a long

time, and my father was taking care of her. My thoughts and emotions spiraled constantly within the

confines of my mind.

As I tried to keep my emotions hidden I noticed they would sporadically increase in each situation I was

placed in. My middle school years had been chracterized by a share of toxic friendships and the process of

figuring out where I stood. Unlike previous years where I was able to navigate through difficulties with

ease and a carefree mind, this new vulnerability had exacerbated my fears of the most littlest things in

life, causing me to question my self worth, and struggling to silence the negative voices in my head. In

my home my parents remained oblivious to my struggles and I found myself getting lectures constantly

and being misunderstood.

According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, fear was defined as “an unpleasant often strong emotion

caused by anticipation or awareness of danger”. However my fears extended beyond danger, I had this

relentless emotion of anticipation of the future and the unknown, as this casted a shadow on every

circumstance I encountered. And this caused me to develop my major fear. Change. Change disrupted the

sense of stability I craved. We know that change is inevitable, but how could I keep telling myself that

when I was constantly surrounded by it? The pivotal fear of change occurred when I was moving from

Los Angeles to Fontana. I believed that my whole life was in LA. I had my school and family friends, I

was content living in our condo, I had everything I truly desired around me. I felt the fear of change while

changing schools, making new friends, and adjusting to a new area. The idea of not being able to know

my future outcomes had me worried, deeming with the expectation that I would only become overtaken

by failure and I could never be content again.

If I could have any superpower, I would always say to go back in time. Because if I went back in time

then I could change myself and my actions so I wouldn't be facing difficulties, right? Although what good

does it do us to dwell on the past and the mistakes we wished we could change? It is those experiences

that shape us to who we want to be today, a ccatalyst for personal growth. I soon understood that change

was for the greater good. I feared it, but change was the one aspect in life that was always constant. I was

able to freely express my emotions to my parents and communicate with them, as they helped me each

step of the way. Recognizing that progress lies on the other side of discomfort and accepting change,

became a necessary ability for me to endure. It entails adjusting our viewpoint to see transitions as

opportunities for self-discovery and development rather than as impassable struggles. Seeking support

from friends and family, created an environment in which my worries could be freely addressed and help

could be offered. I developed a mentality that embraced setbacks as part of the learning process and

establishing reasonable goals. Through communicating my emotions, embracing change, and learning to

improve my mindset, fear became my stepping stone in life and I was able to live freely with an ongoing

journey of growth.