Extra Help--Hailee

 

I thought I'd never see myself get to this point. 2020 was a tough year, it was tougher when it

felt as if your own mind was working against you. I don’t remember how the conversation got

brought up, but looking back I’m glad it did. The day came and I sat in the office chair nervously.

There really is no way to predict how the first session will go, it all depends on you. I filled out

the appropriate paperwork and sat there for what felt like hours waiting for my name to be

called. There were magazines that could be seen as a sense of tranquility, I thought I’d give it a

go. The only interesting one that I could see was the one that had Harry Styles face plastered

on it. Of course I picked it up and went back to my seat, trying to focus on what it was saying as

my leg was bouncing up and down continuously. Finally my name had been called and I walked

into the office as I was introduced to the person I would be oversharing with from time to time. I

felt my nails dig into the couch as we were talking, giving introductions and what not. In my head

I thought how embarrassing this is, how embarrassing it is to stoop so down to a level where

you can’t even help yourself, but you instead have to have extra help. I knew that it’s their job to

not judge you on what you decide to share with them, but I tended to be really cautious on what

to say, scared of being judged. It felt as if hours had passed, when in actuality it had only been

near an hour. It was finally done. A wave of relief washed over me as I walked out of his office,

already nervous about my next meeting with him. During the car ride home I thought to myself

that I really am helpless and I feel really embarrassed to admit that and even have to have

someone help me sort out my feelings and rearrange my brain. I didn’t want to admit it to

anyone that I was seeking extra help for myself, afraid they might be different around me and

how they talk to me, I didn’t want to seem like an inconvenience. This day felt different than any

other day, it was sunny out but instead I was seeing it as a melancholy day, wishing the sky was

grey and filled with clouds instead of the sun. It was weird having to come back home and think

to myself about what just happened today. It was something I tried to keep from my friends,

again feeling the sense of embarrassment thinking what they would think of me. I wondered

how they would take me seriously if I couldn’t even handle my own thoughts properly. I laid

down on my bed racking my brain for the continuous excuse I could give them as to why I didn’t

answer their texts for a while, all while trying to avoid the fact that I was in an office where

someone had to listen to my thoughts and oversharing to try and figure out why I had asked for

extra help. It was hard accepting this, it felt as if I was accepting defeat against myself. It was

hard having to come to terms with this part of me and the fact that there are some things that

you can’t help, some things that require that extra bit of help, that extra stretch. I wish that

earlier I knew how it isn’t something to be ashamed of by having to reach out and ask for extra

help, and having to see someone for that. Even writing this I feel nervous, but at the same time

it’s something that should not be seen as such a taboo subject. It’s important to acknowledge

the amount of self awareness it takes to admit that you need someone to talk to, and that it isn’t

something to be so embarrassed about. After looking back, I realize that this is something that

should be more talked about and not seen as something to look down upon someone for. With

writing this I hope that it shows that extra help is something good and should be encouraged if

you feel as if you need it. It was hard for me to admit this at first and even harder trying to write

this, but I know that it’s for the best and that this isn’t something to be ashamed of.