I sat there. Feeling the utmost pleasure surge yet creep
throughout my entirety. The sun setting, reflecting off of the flora and
babbling creek; manifested hues of orange and yellow that glowed off of her
fair skin. Perhaps it was just me or maybe the fluid was at fault but I dare
say there was a hint of purple that swirled within those vivid colors. Her lips
were as mesmerizing and inviting as her hips. “Darling, this has been a treat.
An entire day with my love, O how I wish the day would continue forever. Your
proposal was wonderful; I cannot wait for our wedding day.” “As do I my beloved,
but has the day ended already? It feels mere moments since I had received you
from your home. And few more after, from when I asked for your hand.” “I’m
afraid so. If only I needn’t work the flower shop today, we could spend the
rest of the day together.” “Then do not! I will care and provide for you, my
sweet. As you said there are other dames to tend it. Pray, stay with me.” “O my
love but I must prepare myself.” “Prepare yourself? You are always prepared my
lady. Always dressed so finely, your lips always bright with red, a smile that
would make pearls envious, a body so heavenly the very angels above believe
they have gathered at the wrong pla-” “Perhaps I have deceived you to believe
me your heaven.” She winked as these words passed her lips and we embraced one
another. “My love please I really must go” I wanted to let her go but could
not, after a few moments I did.
Later that night
the old boys had me gather for one last night of debauchery before I became an
honest man. Already on the finest wine I took my seat in the brothel, smiles
all around, the room seemingly being the center of the world, all seemed slowed
and to swirl. The flower girls were performing; the stage lights mixed with the
house lights, reflecting tones of orange and yellow, complimenting the girl’s
skins. I chuckled to myself. It must have been the fluid or rather the effect
the flowers in the girl’s hairs had with the lights but hints of purple crossed
the atmosphere. One girl particularly caught mine eye. Her lips, a dazzling
scarlet, invited as her hips mesmerized me. Time fleeted, the world around us
sped as we remained idle. Her smile flashed and the pearl necklace she wore
seemed to green. Her frame made me question whether heaven truly was in the
skies. Getting off stage she walked over and sat with another man, smiling,
whispering in his ear. Making my way towards them I saw. I wanted to change my
gaze from her but could not. We made eye contact. I dropped my cup as the world
dropped me.
“Sir? Do you mean
to sa-” “He took her from me. My dear Augusta.”
what the hell is wrong with you. this frustrated me. lol. i was so divulged until the end. it was a great ending nonetheless, but a horrible one. your writing definitely caught my eye! keep writing more! nicely written sergio. ten stars go to you my lad.
ReplyDeleteDang, your writing is amazing. The details in your writing really helped me to see the things that you were describing. So I guess she's not the flower he thought she was? Nice job :)
ReplyDeleteyou're such a hopeless romantic :) haha. I loved the plot twist at the end. Throughout the story i kept wanting to read more because I could never guess the ending...such an interesting choice of topic..loved it Sergio :)
ReplyDeleteGreat detail! it really captured me to want read even more. I also really loved the ending. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWoah, crazy but fantastic ending. I love the diction used, so old fashioned, so refreshing. This reminded me of your part as Colonel Pickering :P
ReplyDeleteThis is so great! I kind of want to know more of what happens next! The ending just made me have second thoughts of whats happening, but overall i love the way you describe the man's thoughts towards the woman. Great job on your piece!
ReplyDeleteThis was such great writing & so romantic. I always love romance! Such a good ending & I really great piece. Great job!
ReplyDeleteReally great descriptions and details. Definitely kept me interested the whole time. I love the ending. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI could picture the whole thing and I wanted to keep it going, it really felt like I was reading an old fashioned book, which I love. The ending had me wanting more though! Which is good, of course. You should continue and write a sequel to clear up unanswered questions :)
ReplyDeleteThis was so cute until the end ! It made me want to continue reading and see what type of twist would occur. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteWowwww this piece was absolutley amazing!!!! I definitly agree with Brittani about the diction( haha way to put literary elements to use!) its so proper and so old fashioned and it drew me right in! Keep up the writing! YOu should definnitly submit another piece!
ReplyDeleteNot gonna lie, the twist at the end made me read the ending twice. I was like wait did she just play his life or naaah? Anyways good job.
ReplyDeleteYour writing is incredibly romantic. All the details and imagery you give remind me of Shakespeare in Romeo and Juliet. Very, very well written :)
ReplyDeleteoh my goodness. for some reason i could hear your voice reading this and i was just blushing the entire time hahahah. but dang that ending. BUUURRRNNNNNNNNNNNN. what is this time period? The dialect is phenomenal. Do you always write like this? This could not have been your first time. aha Just be careful with the setup of this dialogue, i thoroughly enjoyed the absence of "he said. she said" but it can get tricky to continue when introducing new characters. Thank you for sharing:)
ReplyDeleteI wanted to keep reading the end honest caught me off guard I was like WHAT? Haha
ReplyDeleteThat ending was just great, but I loved your perspective of the story. Nice detail.
ReplyDeleteI love how your style of writing wasn't what we are normally used to, and took on something similar to the last pieces we read in class. Your writing is really descriptive and it made the piece really enjoyable. I hope you a sequel so we can all find out what happens next!
ReplyDeletelove the writing and crazy ending
ReplyDeleteProps to the ending!
ReplyDeleteAnd I love your extensive vocabulary! It was phenomenally written.
Good job! I don't understand all this romance stuff, but that ending! It's one of those endings that I like and hate.
ReplyDeleteVery nice vocabulary and descriptions. I liked the description of her smile..."it would make pearls jealous". This was scandalous and the way you described it made me feel sad for the guy because he had just gotten everything, but then it was like maybe not. I don't understand if the second dancing lady was his "love", or did he just think it was her because he had been drinking?
ReplyDeleteThe style and imagery of your writing is fabulous. the ending was not what i expected though haha
ReplyDeleteA brothel haha. I liked all the color imagery in it; it was an effective way to change the mood, especially towards your twist ending.
ReplyDeleteI love the parallelism between her lips and hips in the beginning and then again in the conclusion. What a plot twist!!!
ReplyDeletethis was so nicely written and romantic! good job Sergio!
ReplyDeleteGreat story, and the way you were able to take our attention and then twist it was great.
ReplyDeleteThis story drew to me because not many people wrote the way you expressed your story, i liked the word choice it made things so vividly. I agree with most that there should be a pt 2, good job
ReplyDeletethe writing style was phenomenal, the diction used was even better. the story was just fantastic in general and i found it amazing you should write a novel my good sir.
ReplyDeleteYour imagery is so fantastic I felt as though I was drunkenly gazing at the sky throughout the entire first section.
ReplyDeletelahhv it sergioooo. the way you used the words gahhd is just a cricket chirping on a summers night. anyhow, the diction used is just the cherry on the ice cream I felt like I was watching a movie in my head, and oh so romantic kinda got lost in the end with the whole "he took her from me, my dear augusta"? was he speaking or thinking that?but all in all I adored this story (:
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh! his woman is a stripper! That is messed up! Oh how can someone even think that up, and write about it!? It takes a mind to think up twisted stories. Good writing , but Oh I feel so dirty I need to shower after reading that one. Hahaha!
ReplyDelete- Hannah Mueller (12) per.3
I lived your description and details throughout the piece. Great job!
ReplyDeleteYOOOO WAIT WHAT! The ending. THE. ENDING. It was all pleasant and cute and then just slapped me in the face. This was so cute though, I really loved the type of style of language you used.
ReplyDeleteOHMYGOSH sergio! whyy!!! the ending caught me off guard! your writing is so beautiful! this was so ram tic ! i loved it soso much! your detail is amazing! fantastic job!
ReplyDeleteWhat ! Darn she slipped right out, I think many of us guys can relate but in another sense I think you did a splendid job with your piece. The thing that really sparked my attention was your language and diction which I think where really great. Your usage of words imagery all tied together to synthesis a synchronized rhapsody of unparalleled usage of language which I have to remove my hat and bow. Well done.
ReplyDeleteAh the romance in this piece was so great, I really enjoyed the piece overall.
ReplyDeleteI like your fluctuation in vocabulary.
ReplyDeleteYour style is really something to be appraised of as it gives the same feeling as when one would read a classic novel from a renowned author. It isn't something easy to emulate and your competency in doing so is very impressive.
ReplyDeleteSergio...I freaking adore this...the plot twist at the end was great! The foreshadowing when the girls had flowers, the re-mentioning of envious pearls....this was fabulous! Please write more man!
ReplyDeleteWow! I was not expecting the ending at all! I seriously had to read the last paragraph three times to make sure I read it correctly. What did I just read? This was amazing! I loved when you mentioned the colors because it just added to the feeling of the surrounding. The pearls turning green worked perfect with the plot twist because it threw me off beforehand. I would've loved to read what happened next!
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