I suddenly awoke in the dark room
where I had initially fallen asleep. I sensed her presence and I believe that
is what caused my growing fear and high level of panic. She was getting closer.
WHY here? WHY now? Before I had fallen asleep I had I locked all the doors to
this “safe room” thinking that it would actually provide some sort of
protection, but now I realize how wrong I was. I started hearing slow,
approaching footsteps on the other side of the door. I knew I had to get out of
this place FAST.
After
putting on my survival backpack, I ran to the opposite end of the room where
there was a door, an exit! As I unlocked all of the deadbolts and locks, I
started to hear her dreadful, deathly voice. The repetitive guttural noises of
what was left of her vocal cords advanced quickly, but on the bright side the
THING, her, could only slowly walk. SO MANY LOCKS, they are doing more harm
than good right now! I finally got the darn door open just in time! As I
started to run I turned around and caught sight of her walking through the door
as if it were nothing. Her pale, white skin and black, lifeless eyes were
terrifyingly grim. The white, bloodstained gown, and seemingly endless amount
of black hair were the worst part.
I
ran as fast as I could through the door into a dark, dimly lit hallway that was
illuminated by moonlight through window panes . I turned around briefly while I
was still running to see that she had stopped pursuing me, but her voice was
still there. I knew that this was very, very bad and looked above me towards
the ceiling. There she was, crawling towards me slowly while her hair hung
down. In utter panic, I continued to run, this time even faster.
There
was another door to my right this time and I gladly took the chance to separate
myself from my approaching doom. Hiding was obviously not an option because she
always knows where I am at all times. The only thing to do is run. Fighting a
curse is impossible. Distancing myself from her is the best I can do. Through
this door, I found an office, a dead end. I knew this was the end for me, but
in desperation I closed the door, locked it, and blocked it with a desk in hope
of ever living to see another day. I pulled out a six shot revolver out of my
bag just in case.
Footsteps
and her voice approaching the other side of the door, I readied my gun and
aimed for the center of the door. Firing five shots, I yelled, “I DON’T WANT TO
DIE!!!”. Her voice was gone, I closed my
eyes and started to silently cry in a corner of the enclosed room. I did not want
to see what was about to happen to me.
I don't understand. You have a gun. Why did you not just shoot her from the start at least stalling her. haha nice piece though.
ReplyDeleteTotally suspenseful.. You completely drew me in with the "safe room" and the bolted locks and I could sense the fear of the character. I loved the capitalized words for emphasis, I could picture the entire scene in my head, almost as if it was in a horror movie!! Excellently written :)
ReplyDeleteThat was pretty creepy!! The thing kinda reminded of that girl from the Grudge (I think that's the movie)! I loved how I could vividly imagine the rooms that you were running through. Great job :)
ReplyDeleteSo suspenseful!!You really described the story with really well imagery. Also the first line really captured me. Once I read it I just had to read more. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteOH MY GOSH! When i was reading this, i was literally scared, as if i was there. Sheesh, the way she is described is so creepy! I love it! The ending, so suspenseful, so hopeless, so AMAZING!
ReplyDeleteWoah There! So intense! Towards the ending was so in suspense! The girl seemed so scary and it creeps me out in so many ways! Great Piece Johnston!
ReplyDeleteWow! This was really suspenseful. I really like how you brought it to life for the reader by using all that imagery; especially because it ends as a cliff-hanger. Well done !
ReplyDeleteOkay this was creepy but also very suspenseful. I found it short only because I didn't want it to end! Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like the intensity of this. Very interesting and kind of scary, as if it was me as the character :)
ReplyDelete/o\ *covers eyes*
ReplyDeleteYour use of exclamation really put an emphasis on this short horror story. It gave me goosebumps.
I could picture the scene and feel the suspense! Great job
ReplyDeleteAHHHHHH Great Story, buuut the ending makes me so angry! haha ha I need to know what happens! Anywho very creepy, very suspenseful and overall excellently written. The whole story flowed very well!
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I had a dream about this is something. It seems so familiar. Good job Johnston!
ReplyDeleteI felt like you were fighting Ju On this whole time. But good job on making this story suspenseful and everything, especially with the ending. The five shots were really eerie and the desperation was real.
ReplyDeleteWow! I may be one big scaredy cat but I was literally scared while reading this. To be honest I jumped when the character saw that thing in the ceiling! Lord that creeped me out. Im not a fan of scary stuff but this is pretty darn good! The thing is i hate scary stuff but this was so intriguing I couldnt stop reading it. I think what made it so scary is your use of imagery because I could literally see everything happening in the story in my head. Well done! I am impressed :)
ReplyDeletehahahah at first i totally thought this was going to be like an exaggeration of your mom. Like she was angry and making weird sounds, i think everyone can relate to that. But then it got real crazy so nevermind aha. I really enjoyed first person point of view, especially during survival stories. If you were to turn this into a novel, having started it in medias res would you take the readers back to who she, "the thing" is and how the main character got there? Thank you for sharing:)
ReplyDeleteI really liked how vivid your description of "her" was. I can see her hair hanging down from the ceiling.
ReplyDeleteWow this was spooky to me it gave me chills l lol but it was good chills
ReplyDeleteYou did a good job on keeping up the suspense throughout the whole piece. Even though it was a quick read, I still really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteThriller much! Really suspenceful writing, and way to leave us all hanging. What was about to happen? I feel like this is one of those situations where he finally looks up and realizes he was in his room...it was all a dream type stories. Anyways good job!
ReplyDeleteThis reminds me so much of the Grudge and the Ring. Good job! It almost made me lock the doors.
ReplyDeleteYou did a really good job keeping the attention of your reader throughout the entire piece. I could feel myself getting goose bumps as I read! Good Job!
ReplyDeleteI like the suspense! it kept me reading to see what the end would bring.
ReplyDeletethat was super confusing but super thrilling at the same time! I loved the suspense that kept us on the edge of our seats! Nice job :)
ReplyDeleteTowards the middle of the story for some reason it reminded me of the grudge!! It was a great thrilling story,i was also wondering why were you cursed and why was she chasing you to begin with ???? Pt 2 maybe?
ReplyDeletesuch fear. much suspense. very scare. wow. it was a good piece i found it enjoyable and the way you wrote it made the suspense build up . . . i just it wasn't dark in my house right now and that i want alone.
ReplyDeleteThe suspense was great, I wanted to know what would happen at every corner, and then it ended lol. How about that FRS lol
ReplyDeleteSeems like a sick and twisted game of hide-and-seek
ReplyDeletei thought the same thing as sarrah! hahah but this gave me the chills! i was reading faster and faster! i could vividly imagine everything happening exactly as you described it! the suspense was crazy! good job!!!
ReplyDeleteThis was really suspenseful and kept me wanting read more good job
ReplyDeleteI pictured the THING following you in my head, good description and imagery used (: I love the suspense throughout
ReplyDeleteWell I think this sums up about every nightmare someone has had in their life. Seriously creepy! It reminded me of the Grudge. It was quick but great.
ReplyDelete- Hannah Mueller (12) per.3
I loved how it was suspenseful throughout the piece. Great job, I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteWait who is this girl? Shoot, she must be pretty pissed. This does remind me of the Grudge and the "long" hair. Super scary, but awesome!
ReplyDeleteThe suspense was literally killing me on the inside and the imagery and details made it feel like I was there!
ReplyDeleteWOW! You really kept me on the edge of my seat just reading your story gave me the chills. I love how you kept the subject hidden from us we where just given simple hints as to what she could be and it allowed us the space to imagine this character in our own minds, and I believe that was essential and really well developed in your writing. I all I can say is “keep writing my man” .
ReplyDeleteI like the mystery and horror aspects of the story, however, listening to Good Kid MAAD City does kinda break you away from the tone and weight of the story xD I really enjoyed this story! I'm pretty sure you have, but have you seen both the original film The Thing, and the revamped prologue made like 2 or 3 years ago?
ReplyDeleteKept me on the edge of my seat, and was short enough to where i didn't lose interest. I really enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteJohnston...This was creepy as all heck...The imagery was fantastic...I was scared the whole time as I read it! This was great!
ReplyDelete