He
stared blankly at the paper contemplating what to do or say. What he said today
would set the tone for the rest of his life and he knew he couldn’t mess this
up. He had to make this perfect. “Perfection, the greatest word ever invented
by man…” he thought sarcastically. He wanted to just write what he knew and
felt but something kept holding him back…there was always that thing in the
back of his mind that kept saying, “Are you sure about this? Do you really want
to do this?” Benjamin was notorious for not being able to make up his mind and
take a stand but this time he knew he had to or else he would risk losing the
thing he cared about the most. As he continued to stare at the blank page, he
grew more and more frustrated with the mere nakedness of it, the shadows of the
candle dancing on the blank canvas. Benjamin just wanted to be that person that
he always admired; he wanted to be the person to go out on a limb for what he
wanted and just not care what other people had to say. “What is wrong with me?
What am I waiting for? Why can’t I be who I want to be?” The endless rhetorical
thoughts kept going around and around in his head like a carousel. Benjamin
knew what he had to do. He was going to be that person, he wasn’t going to miss
his opportunity, he was going to be perfect; he wanted to be perfect for her.
He held the paper in his hands and placed it into the candle’s flame. Never was
he so delighted to see something burn to ash. That paper was the epitome of
everything he didn’t want to do. He never wanted any of this; he just wanted to
live a simple life, alone. Free from society’s critiques, from the obligations
of Thanksgiving Dinner, the mundane-ness of it all sickened him to the core. He
smiled and laughed with irony, for if he never asked a question he wouldn’t
have ever been in this situation. With that realization he stood up from his
chair and blew out the candle. Benjamin walked out the door and never looked
back; he was finally the person he always wanted to be. He was finally himself
and he wouldn’t change that for her.
I loved the finality of blowing out the candle; the last line was very powerful. :)
ReplyDeletethe last part of the story was intense nice job
ReplyDeleteI was all to eager to discover what the ending would be like. It's a nice feeling to have such a huge weight of your shoulders. No one should conform to societal ideals of man. This was really great :)
ReplyDeleteVery good topic and one most students feel weighs heavy on them, the burden of perfection. Creative and thought provoking
ReplyDeleteNice strong concluding sentence.
ReplyDeleteIf anyone can guess the occasion of this story/why the guy was writing I will bake you cookies.
ReplyDeleteI love the insight to the struggles in his head. You can feel there is a conflict, but the resolution was not something I saw coming! it was a great conclusion
ReplyDeleteI like how the story also entered his mind and what he was questioning about himself. This was a really good topic and had a really good message to the readers
ReplyDeleteReally enjoyed how I could actually feel the decision process that the character was feelings, I started to feel a little stressed as I read with Benjamin, lol. Really great sentence structure that didn't lose me at all, and I loved the use of his inner thoughts, it was the perfect amount. Great how at the end there was a repeat of "he was", I thought it really tied it together.
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of Kevin's monologue in Drama II last year from The Death of a Salesman, "...and I looked at the sky and I thought ....why am trying to be what I don't want to be!!!!".I actually thought that this was interesting because it was from the point of view of a male and usually in literature women are the ones pressured to be the idealized woman, "perfect", yet in this situation the guy feels pressured to be the idealized man. I noticed that now in the 21st century women/young ladies tend to want the idealized man that is attractive, superherolike and yet can write romantic poetry to confess their love for them,but in the end people are just people not gods.
ReplyDeleteThroughout this whole piece, I've always wondered what was going on through his mind.But in the ending, it hit me and I understood everything. Great Job!!
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you built up so much tension and anticipation, making the reader want to know what would happen next.
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of that Spongebob episode when he has so many distractions that, he didn't start his own essay for his driving school , but turns out that it was only a blank page he'd finished with the word "THE" I really liked this Victoria! It made me realize how so many people want to be perfect, but in a way they are perfect for being imperfect. i wonder what he was even writing about and to what girl he is writing to. Please tell! :]
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a really good topic. The last couple of sentences concluded the writing very nicely.
ReplyDeleteI like how you could feel the struggles of Benjamin because we can all relate to the burden of being perfect. Also, the ending was very good and the whole story was very thought provoking.
ReplyDeleteVery well written. I liked how it was an up climb before you actually got to the climax. Him realizing perfection isn't what everyone else wants him to be but only how perfect his mind will let him be. He left his girl, his family, everything behind to do what he loved, whatever it was. He tried to be somebody everyone else thought was perfect and decided "screw it" I'm going to be me and I'm going to be happy too. Very nice!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting...I wonder what will happen next. Maybe he'll realize that Thanksgiving is among the best holidays of the year and see the big mistake he's making by leaving that kind of tradition. Such good food...
ReplyDeleteI loved your story good topic, very strong, good work :)
ReplyDeleteAh! I loved the ending! I totally misinterpreted it in the beginning but in the end I finally understood. Well done!
ReplyDeleteIt makes me happy that there was a peaceful ending to this.
ReplyDeleteOoooh i liked how you described his thoughts as a carousel, i wonder what benjamin was writing to his former lover.. hmmm. This story had me questioning many things which kept me interested. Very good story i hope theres a part 2 (;
ReplyDeleteThis was written very well Victoria! I loved the last line that helped tie everything together.
ReplyDeleteGreat Job! I really felt his burning sensation to try and accomplish something that would essentially change who he would be. Also, the concluding sentences to the read really did feel like he blew away his troubles like a candle. Keep up the great work Victoria!
ReplyDeleteNot going to lie I was feeling stressed out for Benjie! haha great work I got caught up into the story^.^
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of the character remaining anonymous. There were no words spent on description of the characters appearance but rather his inner turmoil which is rather uncommon, doing so coerced my thoughts to follow his for my mind wasn't distracted in imagining the character. A direct approach, no willy nilly time spent on description but a jump into his motivation from the get go. If you'll be continuing this story, which i hope you do, some things to think about are whether you remain in this point of view or perhaps the same approach but instead the girls thoughts as she lets go, or maybe a parent, or a witness to what he's done, maybe even this is in a different world or time period and there are actual guards that monitor such activities OR his pet is actually a reincarnated rabble rouser of the 29th century i have no idea what I've been saying. Just throwing out some ideas, but honestly it's whatever floats your boat. Maybe play with the structure of the passage as well. I dunno but perhaps starting separate paragraphs or stand alone statements. Or maybe that just doesn't translate to the blog but either way, great job! :)
ReplyDeleteI really liked how this makes you want to know what he was thinking! The last line is fantastic and how it brings everything together in the end! Great job!
ReplyDeleteWow! This really made me think! You're a great writer. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI loved how your character defies society and decides that he will be himself no matter what. This is a message that must be published more often. Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteThe ending was great
ReplyDeleteThis was written very well. It also kept me interested from beginning to end. The ending was my favorite part!
ReplyDeleteWhy did you ever stop ? Cause I sure didn't want this story to come to an end .. Your detailed and show great potential
ReplyDeleteIt was great! I could relate to it, not wanting to conform to society but there will forever be that urge to. Especially for the love of someone. It was a nice change from the hypnotism of love and what it makes people do.
ReplyDeleteSo much tension and so many answers and the ending does a great job wrapping it up and it has a pod conclusion! :)
ReplyDeleteGreat subject, I love the topic because I find myself in the transition from fitting in to standing out
ReplyDeleteVery strong message that was emphasized in the end, I love this.
ReplyDeleteThis reminded me of when we had to stare at a blank page in Mr. Hall's class. Good story, and nicely written.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely like that in the end he decided to do what he wanted and not change who he is for someone else. I also like that we were able to know all his thoughts!
ReplyDeleteThe method of presenting your argument was well developed, strongly narrated and full of variables that describe human interactions. Your work explores the inner turmoil and conflicts and burden the progress of man which is self doubt and insecurity. You critically disect human and mind organ which reveals a syndrome of lack of optimism and decay, but you are able to administer a remedy of POOP aka Positive Outlook Progress and Optimism.
ReplyDeleteJesus Ruiz
This is a very relatable topic and discusses it very well since it's so well written, especially the conclusion.
ReplyDeleteI believe anyone can relate to the ways of society. That makes it so much more powerful. Very well written. I loved how he wanted to be himself, not someone he wasn't!
ReplyDeleteI get that writer's block when I try writing something against my attitude and opinion. It's a gross feeling to feign character for the sake of another. You captured that feeling well with your character Benjamin. He shall walk away with no regrets.
ReplyDeletethis was very interesting and captivating and the last line was strong in ending!
ReplyDelete“What is wrong with me? What am I waiting for? Why can’t I be who I want to be?” ... This line alone is what called to me most. I admire your writing, and enjoyed reading this piece, and understand the places of the mind and moments in life that writing like this can come from. By the very end, I caught myself relating to the feelings and thoughts being brought forth, and discovered a very uplifting and empowering feeling inside.
ReplyDeleteSuch an enticing story!! Your opening line was enough to captivate and keep me anxious and wondering what would come next or what the conflict that Benjamin was experiencing truly was! The suspense that built upon each new though running through Benjamin's head allowed us to really feel like we were visualizing everything happening in front of us! Excellent description of the surrounding atmosphere and feel of the room. Wonderfully written and very powerful message!!!
ReplyDeleteThe last sentence got me, man. I feel as though everyone can relate to this, to be who they are.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness, your story hit me right in the heart, man. I can totally relate to Benjamin's state and you made me really think about my choices in life. Thank you for that, really.
ReplyDelete