Sierra

We’ve all gone through traumatic life situations. May it be something dangerous that we go through or witness happening, they deeply affect us and alter our lives in ways that never would have changed us if not for these incidents, leaving scars on our lives. What seems to most affect all of us the most is death. It can tear families apart, damage our daily lives and even destroy our basic principles of life. Death isn’t something that simply goes unnoticed and whether it is close family or friends, it changes us. Having to do this writing assignment couldn’t come in a more timely manner as I sit on an airplane to fly out to my beloved family in a time of need because of the loss of someone we all deeply love, my grandfather.

                It never ceases to surprise me how easily my family and friends pull together when we need each other most, and our ability to drop everything for someone we love so much just proves how strong our family ties are. At 4 am Saturday August 24^th we got a phone call that my grandpa, Dennis Toman, passed away in his sleep. Despite our awareness that there was a possibility of this happening, it still shook us up and completely shocked us. There was no hesitation for us to know that we had to return home to Pennsylvania for the funeral and to handle some family affairs. So the remainder of our Saturday involved packing, finding pet sitters and searching for plane tickets. Sunday morning we woke up, loaded up our truck and drove to Los Angeles International, sat through lines and then spent the next 4 hours on a crowded airplane.

                A few hours later, we were landed in Philadelphia, getting our luggage, and driving up to see my grandmother. Picking us up from the airport was my father, aunt, and my cousin. After a little bit longer of sitting on our butts, we got to my grandmother’s house. Upon seeing each other for the first time in months, the moment immediately became emotional and everyone burst into tears. Hugs of overwhelming love were passed around and laughter soon overpowered the tears. For the remainder of the night we sat on the back porch, drinking Dr. Pepper and telling old stories that made us feel like my grandfather had never left us. A few tears were shed, but for one night only, there was no arguing, no fighting, and only happy thoughts surrounded us.

                The next few days were a blur of tears and depression. Arrangements were needed to be made to ensure that both the funeral and the viewing would be just right and everyone that needed to be there would be available. A video was made by the whole family in order to justify the pleasure in his life and share all his happy memories with his family and friends. Old photo albums were pulled out and family videos reincarnated for more happy occasions. Blood and tears were shed over a simple manner of making a poster of pictures. Our grandfather seemed to be everywhere we walked, whether it was photos or simple things that reminded us of him. The viewing came and I saw family that I hadn’t seen in a decade and old friends that filled the missing pieces of my heart. There was no dry eye at the sight of such a strong man at his lowest point. When I saw my grandfather, I broke down. No matter how hard I tried, the tears wouldn’t stop flowing down my face, and there was no possibility of catching my breath. Unimaginable thoughts of my life without having a grandfather to call every time I had an issue with my truck, or a man to cheer me on at my barrel races filled my mind and overclouded the common sense to simply inhale and exhale. The sight of my dad so torn apart from losing his own father was too much to bare. When the tears finally subsided I collapsed into a hug from my best friend and finally felt the ability to stand on my own for a little bit. The time period between the viewing and the funeral was practically nonexistent and despite my confidence the night before, it was impossible to feel any kind of strength when a priest talks of how you have to be strong enough to go on without them. Heaven and Hell swarm into thoughts floating around me, and thoughts of how short life is are all I could think of. My chest grew heavy and I know my dad was watching me struggle to regrasp my faith when such an amazing man was tore from my life so soon. That old phrase “only the good die young” fades in and out of my mind and I can’t help but question why that phrase is true. A quick glance to the rest of the people sitting behind me and I see my best friend, who was so strong for me the other night, crying. With all of my heart I wanted to stand up and tell everyone of all the love I had for him and the great memories that him and I shared. However, none of this mattered when I looked past the make-shift alter and saw my Man of Steel lying in his own grave. Thought of going on without him proved to be too much to open my mouth and give my speech. All these people came together to celebrate the life of a great man and support one another through their mourning. Despite my sadness at the loss, I know I’m going to be okay and that even though he isn’t here, he’s watching over me and protecting me with everything that I do and every step I take. My grandfather is beside me, whether in spirit or living through all the people that he touched and he won’t ever leave me. The funeral concludes with the burial of our beloved Dennis Toman Sr. and a lunch together with all of the people he loved.

                The rest of the week gets a little sweeter and finally my family has found time to have a little fun. My sister and I have gone swimming at our “more than best friend’s” house and played with all our cousins. I went mudding with a bunch of the guys in order to lift up my mood a little bit. Our car broke down at a friend’s house and we had a sleep over with our oldest friends because we couldn’t leave. Even in his death, our grandfather is still playing pranks on us. Every day my family and I find time to laugh a little together and enjoy each other’s time.

Throughout this week my family and friends have grown so much closer. Through the loss of one great man we have found hope and love within one another. I appreciate each moment with every one of my friends more and realized who my true friends are in life. I value the little things they’ve done with me and for me. With a death, you can’t help but realize how short life is and that we have to get the most out of it. It’s easy to let fun and enjoyable things pass you up in life and live to regret them. A little bit of excitement and a little more fun needs to bit mixed in all our lives to ensure that ours was a life worth living. Most importantly, I’ve found myself again. Through the stress of school and conformity to the “friends” around, bits and pieces of me have chipped off and faded away. However, spending time with my family in Allentown and my best friend Alec and his brother, you remember who you are again. With the pain of losing such an amazing man in my life, I’ve gained another that will help me through all this. I appreciate my family so much more and my love for all of them has grown. My grandfather helped me grow up as a child, and now he’s going to make me a better woman. I’ve grown up more and fell in love with this crazy family of mine, and for that it is an unforgettable memory.