Monday, September 23, 2013
Marcus
The room held an ominous red glow, and was coated with an interior design which seemed to surround both a respected John Gatti theme and gave the notion that this mighty lord which sat before me was a previous understudy of Shinobu Tsukasa. Shadowing over the mysterious body before me stood a hulking suit of what appeared to be ancient samurai armor wielding a great sword which held the phrase “Now I am death, destroyer of worlds.” inscribed into it. Along the wall it read eleven rules, which I myself was formerly familiar with. I looked across the table, as the character before me released smoke from his mouth and expelled it in a way that it was carried as if the wind itself bent to his will, and the heated smoke and smell of rotting flesh and fermented tobacco surrounded me. He leaned forward, into a small beam of light, his slicked back black hair glimmered and exposed a streak of red along the left side as if there was reason for it. His eyes illuminated with a yellow glow, the glow pulsing in unison with his breathing. He spoke, “Mr. Echols”
“Excuse me?” I replied.
“Hold the surprise. How could you simply walk into an establishment such as my own and have surprise by our knowledge.” He said as he leaned back and threw three loaded folders which slid across the gloss of the black table between us. He continued, “November 22nd, 1963, body count, one. April 26, 1986. 31 immediate, skyrocketing to approximately 4,000 within a week. March 3rd 1991, 9382AU, every member, dead. Every act, every plan, every course of action; Hell! every breath you’ve taken, I know about. I know everything.”
My tongue was held by my nervous mind, but I felt the inspiring touch of courageous flame from between my lips, after a moment's pause. “You may have knowledge about my past, but like any good book, you can read it if the author writes it, but what about the author masterpiece in the works? Don’t think for a second that you’re in control. I may have walked into your building, but from the moment my heel rolled onto the floor, everything you ever held the strings of was cut, and tied to the fingers of a new puppet master. I came here to kill a god. Now die.” He began to boom in laughter, as I rose up out of my seat. Two figures silently grew behind me, as if the shadows themselves became animated. The suit of armor once thought dormant groaned as the rusted metals grinded against each other and the beast rose for precautionary measures. The man grew silent as his entertainment built itself to concern, and his smile pulled itself down to a frown. He stood, his build being complemented by the massive exoskeleton of a monster of war. He spoke once more “I do believe you should excuse yourself now.” I stood my ground in a silent exchange of looks. He shouted with a commanding voice, “Krieger!” as he spoke that single word as if he was calling upon a loyal dog, the armor was illuminated by a great blue inner glow, and it flowed with life. The mighty goliath wielded it’s weapon in a combating pose. I quickly snapped to my waistband and grasped the cold oyster pearl grip of both Vincent and Jules. I held both figures in front of me in their still, with my now fire breathing hands. The ancient warrior moved in a way that was no longer so very ancient, as his master began to flee. My mighty hands shouted in attempts to maim, and prevent escape.
I exclaimed, “Orias! Gabriel! Devolvat in deos!” The shadows which accompanied me came together, and formed a figure far surpassing the might of that which charged. With the malicious head of a dog, and a great black massive tunic
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Flash Fiction
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I loved the imagery you used, it helped the scene come to life :)
ReplyDeleteThanks! :)
DeleteThe descriptive imagery used throughout your story was clear and in way conveyed a submissive and dark tone. It was a powerful story and I enjoyed seeing the obstacles the character had to overcome. It's a great example to feed off of and I can honestly say your an abstract thinker ( it a good thing ). Well done
ReplyDeletenice story line i liked the way you described the feel and look of things
ReplyDeleteI'll admit that I had to open a new tab to do a little research on John Gotti and Shinobu Tsukasa to get the idea of what this would be about, but now I can understand how these references tie to your work. I enjoyed this and I give you props on your selection of vocabulary.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you took the time to look up my references, I know there was quite a few, and some that maybe weren't so direct, but I was really hoping someone would get.
DeleteI really like the descriptions of the suit of armor; it makes the suit a character in itself.
ReplyDeleteGreat vivid imagery! I really felt like I was in the room with the "omnious red gow!"
ReplyDeleteYou never fail to make my mind wander off :)
ReplyDeleteYour references and imagery were great! I love how even in your stories you are going against "authority" so-to speak love it! I liked the cryptic ending as well great job Marcus!
ReplyDeleteI feel like the story is literally pulling me in! The imagery is so grabbing. I really wish those symbols weren't there so I could just read straight through :)
ReplyDeleteFrom the beginning the use of imagery was really creative and the way you wrote the story kept wanting me to read more. Also, I like how you didn't specifically state what this story was about, and instead you let the readers figure it out the meaning and storyline. Great job!
ReplyDeleteAre you a novelist? This literally sounds like a published fiction novel which is pretty amazing considering you're only in high school...I really was transported to another world or should I say the world that you created simply with words,yet the world seems very complex and only having a tidbit of the story is a tease. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds extremely good, all the details and flow it really sounds like a book. I want to know what happens though!
ReplyDeleteI too also really wanted to understand the plot line after reading this. It's definitely a well written, gripping story that left me wanting to read more!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'll be submitting the second half to be posted soon! :D
DeleteVery,very descriptive imagery. The story also makes the reader think really hard. Very good job.
ReplyDeleteSo good! Great detail and vocabulary, all in all. I was surprised that I liked it though. Very well thought out! Good job kid!
ReplyDeleteYour use of vocabulary and vivid imagery made the story enjoyable to read. I love the way it leaves me wanting to read more.
ReplyDeleteWow the diction and detail was amazing! Totally took me in. Well done!
ReplyDeleteEven if you didn't put your name on this, I think I still would've been able to tell that it's yours.
ReplyDeleteI like how you're so imaginative and you described everything so well with great detail. Also the mystery/action kept me very interested. Good work.
I think everyone here can see how AMAZINGLY you write seriously im left in awe. Ive been knowing you for a while and your works just keep on suprising me more and more i can totally picture the guy with the black slicked back hair inhaling and exhailing the cigar your imagery and sentence structure are fantastic i would say keep up the good work but i know you will good job marcus!!
ReplyDeleteI loved all the different kinds of imagery you used. I wish I could read what happens next!
ReplyDeleteThanks! I'll be submitting the short second end half of this piece soon!
DeleteNice Marcus! You really had my attention throughout the entire read! The imagery was really well described and the "ominous red glow" really set the mood of what was going on! Awesome job!
ReplyDeletePhenomenal! I really liked the story and use of imagery, it was very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteWHAT. WHAT. WHAT. YES. Holy cow. The combination of supernatural elements, necromancing techniques, and suddenly a black and white interview room has turned into a different world. All thanks to you of course. It's so ridiculous, yes i mean ridiculous, your control of language. And i definitely agree with, poop now i cant find it, but someone commented about the command in your voice and its true. I also agree with Ocean, this is meant to be a novel. Would you want this to be your opening scene? Thank you for such a titillating read and i hope to read more soon, never hesitate to share. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Sarrah! I think that I'd use this as the opening scene for now simply because it leaves room for the readers imagination to write what came before, but in reference to writing more, I'm currently working on it, and am incredibly happy and flattered to read that so many were intrigued by this piece of writing, and I will be submitting the second half to be posted soon! :)
DeleteYour use of imagery and detail I fantastic! The story line is great and so is your vocabulary! Great job Marcus!
ReplyDeleteI can tell you devoted lots of time in writing your work. I really love the imagery, and the deep details; it really takes the reader into the fictional work. The descriptions and foreign names reminded me of reading Eragon . Awesome Job!
ReplyDeleteI'm always so entertained when I read your work! It gives me so much insight on what goes on in your head!
ReplyDeleteEverything you say and write always amazes me. You're an amazing writer Marcus! I loved your detail, the imagery was amazing as well.
ReplyDeleteThe details are amazing ! I'm a fan of imagery and you used a lot of it which helped me visualize the setting
ReplyDeleteAmazing wor to begin with. As I first read through the lines I as a reader was captivated by the mood and complex tone of the scene. The usage of loaded words, allusions, color and ambiance is what drew me out of my seat and kept me wanting for more, I would love to see how the story plays out if you have time. Above all the imagery and complexity of the work makes it unique its something I would have never thought of.
ReplyDeleteOutstanding use of imagery, love the way it sounds
ReplyDeleteDude, write a book. This was extremely well written, and if you decided to become an author, you'd be some serious competition.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to write books among other things, thanks for the encouragement! :)
DeleteThis was SOOO alive, super descriptive, and cool. Very impressed
ReplyDeleteWow this is really good. It makes me want to know what happens later in the story.
ReplyDeletePlenty of imagery! Maybe create a continuation?
ReplyDeleteThanks! Definitely! I'm in the process of writing the second end half now, and will be submitting it to be posted soon!
DeleteYou could be a famous writer in suspense and mystery books soon! This is really nice i would like to know what happens to the last part of the story!!! I LOVE IT! :] Great imagery and very focused!
ReplyDeleteI'm incredibly flattered, thank you! I'll be posting the second end half of the story soon! :)
DeleteVery interesting topic! I definitely like how descriptive you were! I was able to picture in my head everything that was going on! You are an amazing writer! Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteYou definitely got your own style of presenting these dark images. Allusions to Japaneses culture with Tsukasa and the general weaponry captured a scene that sort of intertwined the cool vibes from anime action, and reality itself. Loved the subtle Pulp Fiction reference that was snugly placed.
ReplyDeleteI imagined it as a comic book as I wrote, so it's funny to me that you make mention to anime action, and am so glad someone got the pulp fiction references! I was going to quote the bible verse, but thought that was a little overdone.
Deletegood use of the vivid imagery but confusing from the french words but good story.
ReplyDeleteI have always loved listening to Marcus read poems, lyrics, or stories aloud to the class and this was no different. I could hear you reading it and the suspense-filled story seemed to fit your style perfectly. Very captivating, made me want to read more!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks Annie! :) I'm glad my voice and style was added to it and was picked up! Due to the number of comments of people who have stated that they'd enjoy reading more, I'll be writing and posting the second end half :)
DeleteI read this aloud and I loved the words and how it just flowed. And it was funny because the quotations looked silly. Haha, but I know it wasn't your fault.
ReplyDeleteYour imagery is SO descriptive and imaginative! I loved your creativity as well as your vocabulary. Overall, very eloquent :)
ReplyDelete