“Hm?”, I look around the dark room with no windows or doors, though the room was too
dark, I was still able to find my way around. A light suddenly shines down in the center of the room revealing a little girl. Golden flowy curls as her hair and a tiny frail body, though her face was not there. She was unidentifiable. “ Hello?”, I say slowly walking towards her. “STOP PLEASE, YOU’RE HURTING ME!”, the little girl screamed. Confused, I looked around to see who she was yelling at but when I looked back at her, to tell her no onees here, she was gone. I panicked and ran to where she was standing shouting , “Little girl?! Where did you go? Hello?” “Stop! Please!”, I turned around seeing the little girl on the floor curled up with someone surrounding her like a wolf ready to attack it’s prey. “Leave her alone!”, I yelled. I tried to run and stop the person but my body would not move an inch, as if I was frozen. I look up and see tears dripping down the little girls chin as the stranger continued to circle her. I continued to struggle trying everything in me to move to save this little girl. I looked up again and she was gone. My body was finally able to move, I ran straight towards where she would have been. “Little girl! Where are you?” I say with worry taking over my body.
I waited and waited for her to appear again or to give me a sign to know that she’s here. “You’re
dark, I was still able to find my way around. A light suddenly shines down in the center of the room revealing a little girl. Golden flowy curls as her hair and a tiny frail body, though her face was not there. She was unidentifiable. “ Hello?”, I say slowly walking towards her. “STOP PLEASE, YOU’RE HURTING ME!”, the little girl screamed. Confused, I looked around to see who she was yelling at but when I looked back at her, to tell her no onees here, she was gone. I panicked and ran to where she was standing shouting , “Little girl?! Where did you go? Hello?” “Stop! Please!”, I turned around seeing the little girl on the floor curled up with someone surrounding her like a wolf ready to attack it’s prey. “Leave her alone!”, I yelled. I tried to run and stop the person but my body would not move an inch, as if I was frozen. I look up and see tears dripping down the little girls chin as the stranger continued to circle her. I continued to struggle trying everything in me to move to save this little girl. I looked up again and she was gone. My body was finally able to move, I ran straight towards where she would have been. “Little girl! Where are you?” I say with worry taking over my body.
I waited and waited for her to appear again or to give me a sign to know that she’s here. “You’re
up, trembling. I see where she was looking only to see that two shadow figures were walking
towards her. “Stop, please!” the little girl yelled with pain and fear in her voice. “Get away from
her!” I yelled. My feet glued to where they were at, “No, No, No, Little Girl!” , I yelled for her to
run towards me. The two shadow figures were in front of her as she screamed for mercy.
“Stop!”, I yelled, though I knew they would not stop. “No!”screamed the little girl before
disappearing once again.
Tears streamed down my cheeks like a river as I knelt down not wanting to hear her cries of pain, help and misery. “ENOUGH!”, I screamed still facing the puddle of tears on the floor. Everything was finally silent. I slowly looked up to find myself in an elevator, facing my reflection. I looked around continuing to see only my reflection. I stopped with chills going down my spine, the once beautiful little girl was not covered in cuts, bruises and no emotion on her face. Her clothes ripped with blood stains and dirt which told me those shadow figures damaged her. I turned around and there stood the little girl. “You didn’t help”, she said with tears forming in her eyes. In a blink of an eye, sewing thread closed her mouth shut preventing her from speaking. “I c-couldnt”, I say with pain and guilt in my voice. I looked away in shame, only to see that both the little girl and I were now in a living room. She looked down disappointed and hurt as I see shadow figures come behind her. “Don’t come near us!”, I yell warning them.
Tears streamed down my cheeks like a river as I knelt down not wanting to hear her cries of pain, help and misery. “ENOUGH!”, I screamed still facing the puddle of tears on the floor. Everything was finally silent. I slowly looked up to find myself in an elevator, facing my reflection. I looked around continuing to see only my reflection. I stopped with chills going down my spine, the once beautiful little girl was not covered in cuts, bruises and no emotion on her face. Her clothes ripped with blood stains and dirt which told me those shadow figures damaged her. I turned around and there stood the little girl. “You didn’t help”, she said with tears forming in her eyes. In a blink of an eye, sewing thread closed her mouth shut preventing her from speaking. “I c-couldnt”, I say with pain and guilt in my voice. I looked away in shame, only to see that both the little girl and I were now in a living room. She looked down disappointed and hurt as I see shadow figures come behind her. “Don’t come near us!”, I yell warning them.
“Who are you?”, I shout as they continue to walk towards us My eyes were blinded by
something silvery and shiny, which caused me to look to see what it was. My blood ran cold
when I realized they all had a knife they were harshly gripping. “Get out of here little girl, Run!”,
I shouted to try and get her away. Even if I died, I’ll die knowing that the little girl ran away. But
she didn’t move an inch, “Run!” I say again, trying to get her to safety. The shadow figures were
were now only three feet behind the little girl. Everything stopped for that moment. Time
stopped where I had to make the only decision, I grabbed the little girl and ran to escape, but
stopped to see a mirror. The shadow figures now behind me, we were trapped. The shadow
figures held up their knives ready to stab us, I quickly dropped to the ground to protect the little
girl. I felt the pain of knives going into my back. I held the little girl close to prevent any knives
cutting or harming her in any way. I screamed and cried as the knives sliced and cut into me. I
looked up into the mirror seeing all of the shadows stabbing me as my tears mixed with my
blood. I looked at the little girl but she disappeared into me at the same time the stabbings
stopped. I looked to see that the shadows were now surrounding me and I, being the little girl
that whole time.
Great job, Jackie! The imagery you used added to the suspense of the story and the diction further added to the twist at the end of the story as well. You were able to capture the feeling of being chased, and the ominous feeling that comes with staring at your reflection in the mirror.
ReplyDeleteThe ending was something I really was not ready for, I thought you would have just woken up at the end but that was not the case. Great use of description and imagery.
ReplyDeleteGreat use of imagery; I was able to clearly depict these scenes in my head from the dark room to the elevator to the living room. The loopholes that the plot went through really added to the dynamic of being that little girl you were trying to save. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteImmediately I was drawn in my the mystery of what was happening to the little girl. From that point on, I was on the edge of my seat. You did an amazing job of keeping that suspense until the very last line. While reading it felt like the each second in the scene was darwn out. I really enjoyed this
ReplyDeleteYour piece is so interesting and your writing and imagery really caught my eye. You included the right diction to create the suspense and build-up to the ending. Good job! - Everett Avila
ReplyDeleteDictions is used thoroughly through your piece, and it allows the reader to foreshadow the events while reading. Personally, I do enjoy stories with a hint of 'mystery', supported by the uneasy feeling the reader gets when we go through the 'chase' scene on the passage.
ReplyDeleteNo joke, I wanted to like look behind me while reading this because I felt kind of creeped out. This was a great read though!! The imagery you use is captivating. I would like to see what kind of imagery you would use in a piece depicting nature or something like that. I think it could be quite poetic and wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI love the contrast between light and darkness that you used in the beginning! Your use of imagery definitely made me even more engaged in your story. Great job! - Destiny Okonkwo
ReplyDeleteWow, that was a powerful story. Your detailed descriptions really made everything come out of the screen and your use vivid details toward the ending of your story cut deep beyond mere understanding. Your greatest strength was the amount of time you clearly took to find the right words to accurately and poignantly communicate your story. It was also written well with your ending leaving a good amount room for imagination. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was truly captivating to read. The detail and imagery you out into this was amazing. I really wasn't expecting that ending as well. Great job-Kyra perry
ReplyDeleteIt was a shocking thing to read, but still very well written. The details describing the little girl as well as your feelings trying to save her were intense. Thank you for writing! ~Marisa Johnson
ReplyDeleteYour use of imagery and vivid descriptions as a whole really propelled this piece and I definitely connected with those particular details. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was a very well written story. I like how you engaged the reader with the imagery and description of each situation. The ending was a perfect way to tie in the story with the unexpected ending that she was the little girl she was imagining.
ReplyDeleteI really loved this piece. The overall mood and atmosphere was suspenseful and gloomy. You did a great job utilizing this and creating a lot of emotion with your imagery and dialogue. Great piece Jackie!
ReplyDelete-Adalynn Schafer
Your story was really descriptive and emotional, and it definitely built up suspense. I didn't want to stop reading it even though it was a bit scary just because I wanted to know how it ended. Overall great story!
ReplyDelete-Alexis Rosenzweig
Your use of imagery made your story really come to life. Reading all the details you put in made me even more interested. Great story! - Monica Morales
ReplyDeleteI loved and appreciated how raw and emotional your piece is. Your use of imagery and diction created a suspenseful and eerie tone. Great job!
ReplyDelete