What Its Like--Victoria

I... am gay. These three words are something I have always struggled to admit to myself and to everyone around me because by saying it, makes it feel all too real. I don’t know what it’s like to be the ideal version of what a woman should be, but I know all too well what it’s like feeling the pressure of trying to be one.

Starting with homecoming on September 14, 2019, this was one of my first opportunities to finally express myself formally and stay true to myself. The thing is that the process of reaching that level has been tedious and has led me to go through constant obstacles in my life. Being gay has handed me automatic hardships in today’s society and made my daily life difficult. Behind the scenes, my clothes are more than just items I wear to impress others and myself and I’m going to explain why. The day before homecoming, I went shopping with my friend at Goodwill to choose something to wear. I picked out a short-sleeve button up with dots on it that fit me perfectly and made me feel comfortable. I purposely avoided going with my mom because I would be too scared to go into the men’s side knowing that she would judge me. I remember her picking me up and showing her the clothes I got and specifically hiding that shirt at the bottom of the bag. I wasn’t able to find any dress pants, so I had to go shopping with my mom at TJ maxx. The good thing about shopping with her is that I don’t have to pay for it, but I had a feeling something would happen so I brought my own money as backup. She had to do work in the car, so I insisted to go in by myself and act quickly before she came inside the store. I felt anxious and rushed to find something I liked in a short amount of time knowing that I had to show her at the end. When she came inside, she saw the pants and asked immediately, “Was that from the girls side?” and I automatically said yes because I didn’t want her to think anything of it. I knew that she knew I lied directly to her since she continued to look for pants and completely ignored my suggestion. I grew tired of looking at her pick out clothes for me that I was not interested in and told her “I rather pay for it myself than having to pay for your judgement.” I felt degraded inside, but expressed frustration at how she thinks she’s doing what's right for me, but does the complete opposite. She kept offering me money and I couldn’t accept it, so I proceeded to the cashier and paid for my pants telling her that I’ll meet her in the car. Right after paying, I left the store and my eyes filled with water knowing that this was all bound to happen the moment I walked into the store.

I’m about to be 18 years old and I still feel the need to please others around me by becoming something I’m not, knowing that I cannot fight it. I stopped expecting compliments from my parents as soon as I branched out to grow my self-identity and self-expression. I will never know what it’s like to go shopping with parents that support what I want to wear and feel genuinely accepted. To most people, this is a normal task that one can simply just do and can continue on their day. This is something I strongly envy as I cannot experience it as much as I desire with the people I love the most. I’m not asking for anyone's pity, but rather an understanding of the importance of being me. It is one thing being a different sexuality than straight, but going against what is today’s gender roles only depthen the troubles one shall never want to face.These hardships pushed me to be the best version of myself everyday as I continue to develop strength, wisdom and gain bravery for taking control of the suffering that has been kept inside of me a majority of my life.​ ​I have grown to accept myself for who I am, express it in ways that make me blossom, and obtain independence instead of simply coexisting. I strayed away from biased opinions and dedicated time to achieving an open mind

that made aspects of my life successful rather than undermining. This helped me gradually overcome the fear of rejection and resulted in finding my voice and becoming powerful by taking this dread and turning it into a rainbow of love for myself.