IMARI--Trinity

At the end of July 2018, I can remember just waking up, getting ready for another day in
Thailand. I was out there for two weeks on a mission trip, my parents and I weren’t on the best terms. As i was getting my bed fixed ready to eat breakfast, my mom called me outside with my step dad. I was scared because i thought I was in trouble as their facial expressions were earnest. My mother had made me sit down and said she had something to to tell me. My nerves started going up and thoughts were racing through my mind of what she might say. I just remember her opening up her mouth and the words that poured out, I never could believe what I just heard. She said with tears pouring down her face, “Trinity your aunt died.” I remember just feeling nothing, my body just stayed still and I was in shock. My step dad was crying because of the overwhelming emotions of my mom. She embraced me, and kept saying she was sorry. I didn’t say anything, all i could think of was that someone I knew my whole life and was close with is dead,I didn’t understand why I couldn’t cry. What was wrong with me , Did I feel nothing? Maybe I just express my emotions differently, like I keep it in. I asked my mom how did she die. She said from a brain aneurysm, she was brain dead. You see growing up with my aunt Imari, she had aneurysms since she was a teenager and would get multiple brain surgeries. We were all surprised when she survived the first surgery. Usually it's common for people to die right after the first one. Imagine getting headaches and feeling nauseous all day and everyday, as if maybe you're sick but don’t know what it is that's causing you to feel like that. I was told that she knew she would die someday and as a kid, you dont know better. You don't think of the worst but you pray that that person will be healed and okay. That day I actually forgot about the news because I was so busy with the orphan kids, I mean like I was that selfish of me. To forget about what I was just told and to go on in the day like nothing happened. I couldn’t wait to go home as I wanted so badly to see her and hoped that she didn’t die.

August 1, 2018, I was back home in California and was happy because I wanted to see my aunt and wanted to make sure it was alive, I was in disbelief. I remembered days later my mom had told me she was in the hospital and her baby was in a separate one because you see she was pregnant at the time and was due in a month or so. The doctor had asked her fiance to choose who he wanted to save. He said that he couldn’t choose that he loved both of them inevitably, the doctor made the choice to save the baby since it had so much to live for , while Imari who was an adult had lived a good enough life. How can you do that? How can you determine when you can choose to save someone's life and why not save both. I was infuriated and I asked God that night, “God why didn’t you let my aunt live longer” but my mom reassured me that maybe it was God's plan and she was right. The first week of August, I went to visit the hospital where I had the chance to say goodbye finally. I walked into the hospital and went to the third floor where they had her at. My two cousins were there which were her daughters and they seemed so happy. Two little innocent girls lost their mother before they were 11 and will never get to have their mom walk them down the aisle or b there when they go to college. It broke my heart but I knew that they were in good hands. I embraced them and they squealed with joy. As I turned my head, there was the door to enter the room where she was placed at. My stomach sunked and I started to approach the door with my mom by my side. I reached for the knob and opened the door and before I could even go up to her and I was interrupted by family as they greeted me and started to ask questions all about me. I thought to myself, they need to focus on her not me, she came first like don’t they care. An hour passed, I walked up to the hospital bed she layed in and examined her. People my age would have been traumatized by the way she looked, it's like I wasn’t even looking at my aunt , she looked helpless, tubes were in her mouth and her chest was propped up like she was floating. There was drool on the side of her cheek and she looked like her face was enlarged. Kids my age at the time would've had nightmares and wouldn’t be able to sleep but I felt fine. I had never seen someone dead like that before. I grasped her hand and looked into her eyes as they were open and could just remember saying in my head wake up,wake up, you're fine. She felt warm and mushy, like she had a little bit of life still in her. I wanted to scream for her to wake up, I kept repeating over and over again that God please don’t take her away from me, I was waiting for a sign for her to squeeze my hand to show that she was alive, but nothing happened. At that moment I had realized she was actually dead, brain dead in fact. I kissed her goodbye and went home that night. I layed there thinking, that by the time I wake up tomorrow, they will have already pulled the cord and tonight was the last time I got the chance to see her.

August 13, 2018, was Imari Aburtos memorial service at a church in Whittier. Upon arrival, I felt nothing still and prepared myself for her funeral. Right when I walked into the church, it was packed with friends and family. The one person that I haven’t seen in years was her mother, my abuela. My abuela saw my sister, my mom and I and Right away she screamed in

pain, and started bawling as she hugged us three, they were all crying and there I was comforting them and trying so hard to make myself cry. I was the only time in the funeral service who didn’t shed a tear, nor looked like I was grieving.

Why was it so hard to grieve? People grieve differently, some blame others, others hide what they feel, some of them express themselves and others don’t feel a thing but I learned it’s okay not to feel because it’s a process. It wasn't till a year later when I was cleaning my room and looked at her picture on my dresser and started to feel something about her death. I accepted that she died and it was meant for her to die at age 29 on July 27, 2018. She left behind her three girls and fiance, I can’t imagine what he went through. She was a fighter and it took a toll on her body, it was like her body was overwhelmed with the emotional and physical pain. The time I had with her and the moments she taught me a lesson, was something I was so grateful for and thanked God for allowing her to be in my life. Sometimes we don’t notice the way we express our emotions or let it affect us. Whether you choose the route of depression or to be happy now. It is a choice and choices reflect your actions and what you really let affect you.I know she's not in pain anymore and that I was being selfish of what she might have been going through. I think about her often and the days I don’t I feel bad because I truly don’t want to forget but I know i never will because if you really love someone and they made a big impact in your life then they remain in your heart forever. Until her death was when I really realized to not take life for granted and it was a wake up call for me to just get everything right in life and it’s okay to be sad sometimes. Something that me being a girl i struggle with, is to be emotional. I don’t show what I feel or express sadness, I don’t cry. I tell myself that i’m okay. In my lifetime there will be many deaths and i just have to get comfortable with the fact, people are gonna die and yes you might be mad at God or whatever the situation might be, but maybe it was meant to be for the better. I will never forget her and her beautiful smile, brown skin and long brown curly hair. I was like her child and she was my mentor, someone I looked up to. Im filled with love and now that everyone has a purpose whether you think it’s fulfilled or not. It is in the end, something who you truly are.