For Jayda Gadsby--Joy

I could look at her forever and never find another person who makes me feel the way she does. Or did. It’s long over now but everything in me is still in love with her. It’s as if she’s taken this piece of me, one I can never get back and now I am to move on in life with a hole in my heart. I presume this is the part where I tell you a little bit about myself but I don’t really think that is important because that isn’t the focus of this story, she is. We’ll call her Jayda Gadsby. We were together for what seemed like forever, but in reality it was about nine months. I can’t really explain what caused the break up, but in the end she chose someone else. That day, March 10th, 2018 was the worst day of my life. Reading that text over and over again until the words became a blur and my heart was beating so fast I thought it would burst out of my chest. Who knew four words, seventeen letters, was all it took for my world to come crashing down on top of me. “I want Johnathan now,” the text read. I remember feeling dizzy and light-headed. I guess I didn’t want to believe that it was the end. You may be thinking to yourself, “this is absolutely ridiculous, feeling real love is impossible at such a young age.” To that I challenge you to step out of your shoes and into mine as I tell you how I felt, the parts of me I opened, the walls I allowed her to tear down, and how hard I loved her. The love I have for Jayda is the kind of love that never fades. It’s not the cheap kind that arrives quickly and dissipates before you even know it’s gone, this was not an infatuation. This was the kind that stays in your bones, deep down in the places that nobody sees. It’s the kind that lingers in your dark corners to protect you from the scary things. For months it was nearly impossible to imagine life without her in it, I had no clue where to start. Understand, before she came in my life I was extremely guarded, dealing with adult issues in your childhood has that effect. My parents divorced when I was young, my mom was “emotionally manipulative,” or at least that’s what my dad told me. Was constantly

crying or acting like she was going to kill herself so my dad wouldn’t leave. You can only imagine how traumatizing that was at seven. So, as I grew up all I knew was play the girl so she can’t play you first. Jayda changed that, she was and always will be my first love. I gave her everything in me I had to offer. Spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, I was hers and everyone knew. When I fell in love I realized it instantaneously, not in the slow, muddled way you can fall in love with another person, closer to a passing moment, when you look around and realize that, wow, you’re entirely and sublimely happy. When I was with her that’s how I felt. Always lost in the moment. I will always love Jayda because I don’t have a choice, her love consumes me. 

Lately, it should be noted, there is a promising shift. People say you can never really fall out of love, but I feel as though that statement is false. You see, it was never the break up that left me feeling broken. It was the idea that I gave her my all and that somehow still wasn’t enough. It was 3am nights, tears streaming down my face, trying to figure out exactly where I went wrong. These days, suddenly everything is different. The heart stopping way my name rolls off her tongue ceases to bring excitement. The hollowness in my heart seems to be solidifying, leaving me whole once more. I feel peace coursing through my bones. Peace from the “where did I go wrongs.” Peace from the overwhelming memories that never seemed to leave me alone. Peace from every sleepless night filled with overthinking. Peace from the heavy feeling in my heart, as if I were sinking. 

To you, Jayda Gadsby, I’d like to make something known. I fell in love first with your eyes. They wrote me a novel, told me of your stories. Your past, your pain. They told me that you were a fighter and, only if needed that you were a survivor. They told me that you loved me,

that I was made specifically for you. They pulled me in as gravity pulls the waves to the shore. It was as if your eyes were made to look in mine. Nevertheless, I was too young to feel the way I did for you, to breathe in and out for you. I’ve never wanted, or needed, anyone quite as bad as I longed for you. Not sexually, though I could never deny you. I wanted to feel wrapped in your embrace, hearing your heart softly beat in rhythm. Feel the way your arms would gently wrap around my waist. I suppose love doesn't really make sense. I presume I wanted so badly to be in love, so badly for it to be with you, that I gave away too much of myself. Jayda I love you and I adore the hell out of you, but your love no longer consumes me. I pray one day you look back at us and realize that you had someone who genuinely cared about you and genuinely wanted the best for you. You lost someone that genuinely loved you and always put you first. I need you to understand that I was taking so much of my happiness and inputting it into you, all the while trying not to bust at the seams. I chose to fall out of love with you, to save myself. I had no choice.