Black River
Two villages, facing each other, a treacherous river separates them. Although close in proximity, one side possesses a forest of lush green trees, covered in moss. The other, dismally faces the rival village for they do not have the lumber required to fish in the dangerous waters. To make matters worse, a new mother, Lilya, was holding a feast to celebrate her newborn son’s life.
As part of their tradition, being primarily hunters and fishers, they set out to present a bow and shoot a pig with a flaming arrow. The newborn’s father, Ingemar, would do so. He strung the bow, stretched it back and let loose. He fired it into a nearby tree. A group of young men from the nearby village had the audacity to heckle at his misfired shot. Lilya glanced at her husband, knowing his pride had been injured. As a confrontation arose, the fire quickly spread into the wooden houses. With everything burnt to the crisp, the villagers stared in disarray. Lilya sprinted to her son, knowing that they would need to cross the river to escape the engulfing flames. The smoke suffocated her, she sprinted to the boats, dilapidated, but still with her son in hand.
Lilya took a rowboat that the indigent villagers used to invade her home. She was elated, having escaped the river, yet she quickly realized the dire trouble she was in. Only the fires in the distance illuminated her path through the dark running water. A gray cloud concealed the light of the moon that she needed to avoid the rocks. Her boy’s screaming masked the noise of the water splashing on the rocks. Dumbfounded, she saw that the boat was tipping. A group of men jumped into the water and grabbed the back of her feeble rowboat. They were dragged across the tides and smashed against the boulders. As she reached the other side of the river, she stared at the glowing red light in the distance. Meanwhile, the rowboat, which the nefarious young men had caused to deteriorate, sunk into the water. Caressing her child, she prepared to be submerged into the violent water that provided for her for so long.
I really liked the word choice of this piece! From start to finish it was very interesting to read and I really felt like I was watching them go through this myself. (I also loved the names in this, they were different and interesting). :)
ReplyDeleteA great story it was really creepy and saddening, especially for the child and the sympathy for the mother. Your word choice was excellent and had good variety. the only thing I am confused about is what happened to the husband.
ReplyDeleteGreat story! I could tell you put a lot of effort into writing this. I liked the word you used. They took me to the burning forest, the raging river, and all the places you brought to life in your story. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteI like your syntax and the way you described your setting of the story. The story itself was disheartening I really hoped for a more positive end for the mother, but I guess in life not everyone can have a happy ending.
ReplyDeletewhat a great story I felt like I was in the book myself. you also choose very good grammar.:) good job !
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting story. I could feel the bitterness between the two villages. The word choice let me imagine the scenery and what was happening. It left me wanting to know more. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI loved the imagery you incorporated into the story. I actually felt like that I was there and I saw everything that was happening. My heart was racing towards the end as the mother and the child were coming to their deaths
ReplyDeleteThis was a gripping story. It captured my attention within the first two sentences. I was excited to see how the story would end, but thoroughly depressed when I did finish it.
ReplyDeleteGREAT imagery 5stars. I felt like I was actually there. GOOD JOB ����
ReplyDeleteVery descriptive. The imagery was very appealing, I felt like I was watching the events unfold, as if I was the sky and was observing another practicing of tradition. I felt the tension between the villagers and the panic of the mother. Although I did run into some confusion on which village invaded the other, and which village the mother and father were originally in, and if the mother made it across the river or submerged when she was almost there.
ReplyDeleteThis story was very descriptive. Very selective word choices that were really good! I could definitely imagine this in my head.
ReplyDeleteThis story is enthralling. i really like how you used your grammar, and i imagined all the events and the sceneries of this piece. I would like to read more about the story. Overall great job! :)
ReplyDeleteI love the juxtaposition of life and death you created at the end of the story. The river that provided for her will be the cause of her demise. Great use of irony.
ReplyDeleteThis story is thrilling I really like all that effort and details ou put in to this story overall good job. :)
ReplyDeleteI like your word choices in the story, it really someone with a high level of vocabulary to use those words correctly and smoothely; im only bothered by having the feeling that there were holes in the story, like I missed something, because you kind of jumped around a bit but other than that, nice.
ReplyDeletei thought this was very well written and that you put very much thought and time into it good job i want more !!!
ReplyDeleteVery creative piece! Good word choice such as "nefarious", "illuminate" and "indigent." As I read through, I imagined the story in my mind. Great job.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I would enjoy to continue the piece, I say that proves as one of the greatest elements within your writing. You prefer to keep the reader intrigued, in suspense. You do not fail to keep the reader on their toes and desire more. Great job
ReplyDeleteThe title of this piece really intrigued me. Your vivid use of imagery made me feel like I was actually there, observing the events as they unfolded. All together this piece showed how creative you are and how amazing your imagination is. Well done!
ReplyDeleteEvery detail mentioned in this story made the story even better. Well done!!
ReplyDeletegreat story!! i love how you use big words and the imagery is fantastic! good job!!
ReplyDeleteThe way the story is written, the reader must use their imagination to fill in the details. These villages could be almost anywhere at any time.
ReplyDeleteYour word choices were well thought out as the story was attracting my attention. I love how it was making me on the edge and wanting for more. I did get confused in some parts, feeling like there was something missing that was needed. Overall your piece is interesting and appealing to me. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteThat was really good. You used very good imagery and interesting names for your characters.
ReplyDeleteFrankie, great sensory appeal. I loved the line, "Her boy's screaming masked the noise of the water splashing on the rocks." I felt like I could really hear the chaos.
ReplyDeleteLove the visual imagery! I felt the desperation in the mothers actions as she tried to save herself and her child, all thanks to your great word choice and detailing. The ending only left me wanting more! Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteGood job in describing the setting! Also a great plot, very interesting story.
ReplyDeleteOne of the best stories I've read so far :) Really good use of imagery throughout the story. This could make a really good book! Great job :D
ReplyDeleteThe imagery in this piece is amazing! You really caught my attention, a fantastic story!
ReplyDeleteOne of the best stories I've read so far :) Really good use of imagery throughout the story. This could make a really good book! Great job :D
ReplyDeleteThis poem showed a great sense of irony. This piece shows the irony of love and the different feelings it can possess. Great imagery as well
ReplyDeletei like this very good imagery made me feel like I was in the story! very well written
ReplyDeleteI loved the word choice and how u made me feel like I was a part of the story and I was with the characters
ReplyDeletei really liked the imagery used in this story, I very well understood this piece and I also liked the symbolism of the red light being the sunset
ReplyDeleteThe sense of imagery used in this piece is utterly breath-taking. I can visualize the desperate look on the mothers face and the violent waves threatening, Overall the story made you feel as if you were there, witnessing it with your own eyes. If only you were allowed to write out more!
ReplyDelete- Bernadine
My favorite part of the story was the names you chose for the characters! You can feel the distress and passion from the mother in the chaotic scene. Although, I did feel as if the story wasn't finished
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing! I loved your strong vocabulary, and how descriptive you were. However at some parts in the story I was slightly confused. Other than that this was a really good story with a lot of imagery.
ReplyDeleteReading this gave me the adrenaline rush as if I was the character, the description of things had really given me the feeling as if I was really there experiencing everything happening! Thumbs up from me!(:
ReplyDeleteI think the imagery made the whole story more saddening but still inspirational to read. Good job.
ReplyDeleteGood word choice! I really enjoyed the plot twist as well; escaping certain death to ultimately die.
ReplyDeleteI loved this story. It has great descriptive words and I loved the idea that you wrote about.
ReplyDeleteYou had really great use of vocabulary! the detail was amazing and had me imagining the story in my head the whole time! Great work!
ReplyDeleteI feel very refreshed after reading the story because in the end of the day I'm not drowning with my baby. The sad ending really reminds me of Michael De Santos' quote, "no happy endings."
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed how the story captured my attention right from the beginning, the imagery was also another aspect of the story that I enjoyed. I felt like I could see all the chaos that was happening to the mother and the newborn.
ReplyDeleteYou have an exceptional use of descriptive language. The setting of your piece was unconventional yet very refreshing.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness. I was so into this that I read it fast the first time, and re-read it two more times. This piece of art gave me such a sensation! Your techniques, especially imagery, are used so well. Congratulations!
ReplyDeleteGreat piece! Vivid use of details and imagery,I felt like I was there! This was amazing and creative! Well done!
ReplyDeleteI feel that I could connect to the writing emotionally, and through reading it i thought that the message was that even long standing sources of nourishment and life can also provide destruction and chaos, just as the land provided for the woman, it also caused her ruin, just as people who are there for you, can also destroy you.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this writing. it is a great piece. it was good and interesting. it made me want to read more about it. -Garrett La Chase
ReplyDeleteFantabulous my friend! Great composition! This piece speaks to my soul as a metaphor of the Korean war, hence the two villages separated by a river. I believe the author illustrates war as meaningless because of the resulting deaths, as demonstrated by the death of the mother.
ReplyDeleteI feel that I could connect to the writing emotionally, and through reading it i thought that the message was that even long standing sources of nourishment and life can also provide destruction and chaos, just as the land provided for the woman, it also caused her ruin, just as people who are there for you, can also destroy you.
ReplyDeleteYour title gives the reader insight that there is darkness awaiting the featured characters in your story. I enjoyed reading this.
ReplyDeleteYour story is both intriguing and ironic. It started off slow but as I read on I was anxious to know how it ended. Overall I love this story and I applaud the work.
ReplyDeleteLove the grammar. you used very good imagery about the villages I can see them so clearly.
ReplyDelete-Kandiss Lopez
While I was reading the story I could see everything that was happening like a movie in my head and like I was really there.
ReplyDeleteMy, oh my! How intriguing! Some of your transitions were a bit awkward, but overall, the imagery and diction was utterly captivating! I felt like I was treading water there with her. Excellent job from an excellent mind!
ReplyDeleteYour creativity and use of imagery made this story turn out really good. It was unfortunate and saddening that the woman and son died towards the end when trying to save their lives.
ReplyDeleteimagery was great. but i felt like it ended to soon but none the less great job!
ReplyDeleteYou have an amazing use of imagery and descriptive language. The story was intense and soothing. Well done!
ReplyDeleteYour story was both intriguing and ironic. It was a little slow in the beginning, but as the story went on it got me anxious to know how it ended. Overall a great story and I applaud the work.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you created a dark tone for this story. Using words like "illuminated" and "glowing" really made me feel like I could actually see the fire. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThis short story was marvelous. The way you described the setting and plot was expertly done and was an exceptionally creative piece. The one thing I didn't like about this fictional work was that I didn't get to find out what happens to the family! If your up to it you should continue with this story.
ReplyDeleteThe ending killed me! Very heartfelt, your diction goes greatly with how you portray such events.
ReplyDeleteYour use of descriptive language was impeccable. I enjoyed every part of your story, it felt like I was actually there!
ReplyDeleteI liked all the imagery , because it kept me interested and made me want to read more! The ending of the story was not what I expected , because of the details leading up to the climax.
ReplyDeleteThe imagery in this piece of with is exquisite . Your diction and ability to create these images in my mind as I'm reading is amazing. I felt as if I was leaning on a ledge waiting to see what would happen next...hoping for a part 2? Great writing!
ReplyDeleteI love your word choice, I wouldn't quite to write use those but in this case it made the story exceptionally good. The hook is a little lacking, but the story itself is incredibly intriguing
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I enjoyed the story and how it all started from the beginning! You really described this piece and it's great that I can envision it with your descriptive language. You should keep writing and it was refreshing read this. It was so Oh My God! You know the feeling of wanting more of that thing that you really enjoy, that's what I feel like. Keep Writing :)
ReplyDeleteThis was very well written with amazing grammar and imagery. You managed to go to separate place without making it confusing.
ReplyDeletethe imagery in this story caught my attention right away, I liked how it is very descriptive and Is easily understood by me. great work!
ReplyDelete-jaedon adan
I support your strength for making your story so personal and touching. the imagery brought tears to my eyes and I loved it!
ReplyDeleteI loved your choice of words. They fit into the piece well and the way you used imagery made me feel like I could see every little detail which was quite amazing.
ReplyDeletegreat story, the imagery kept me in until the end, I felt like there could have been more for the ending.
ReplyDeleteReally good plot and setting. Along with the use of the descriptive language. It was a little sad but overall very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your piece. Your use of imagery was great. I could feel anxiety of the mother as she was trying to protect her child but wasn't able to see where she was going.
ReplyDeleteLots of imagery! Very detailed! Nice
ReplyDeleteThis was great! The imagery used made me feel like I was actually there. The only bad thing was that it ended so soon.
ReplyDeleteI loved the descriptive language, it made me feel as though I was at the center of the scene, looking at all the details of the water, the baby, and just the nature. I think taking out some commas and messing would the sentence structure would make it even better. Great job!
ReplyDeleteReally interesting story. I liked the descriptive and detailed imagery that you used.
ReplyDeleteThe last line of your story had me speechless. It's so saddening yes intriguing. The imagery and syntax were well extracted to make this piece so vivid and alluring.
ReplyDeleteThere is something about your diction that makes me sit on the edge of my seat as I read from word to word. In such a short story I was very anxious to find out the ending and how it was going to play out. I enjoyed it.
ReplyDeletei really like how you described the setting in this story
ReplyDeleteExcellent word choice. I also loved the use of imagery to describe the intensity of the dire situation/events. Very good read, nice job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this piece, the vocabulary and imagery used in this was outstanding. I got a very detailed picture of how everything was played out. Almost as if I were really there watching it all happen! (:
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this story because it was was good from the beginning to end and i could actually imagine it
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this, the imagery was great! Also your vocabulary was very descriptive.
ReplyDeletevery good detail in the story. Good job
ReplyDeleteGREAT STORY, it is very creative and it caught my attention. Good job :)
ReplyDeleteThis was amazing to read! Your story was very descriptive and had a lot of imagery. I found this story to be very interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe way this ended makes me wonder what direction you would take it in should a sequel arise, and that's a perfectly good condition to leave a story in. While leaving everyone wanting more you also make them wait in anticipation as the story could take any direction from that point.
ReplyDeleteThis story is very intersting.
ReplyDeleteYou have a very broad vocabulary and your imagery was very vivid! It kept me reading and was very descriptive.
ReplyDeletewooooooow ! i love the diction you used! If i didn't know you were in high school i definitely would think that an experienced author wrote this. Great job ! The descriptive language and captivating story line really kept me interested.
ReplyDeleteFrankie, your use of imagery is outstanding. I was able to picture the entire story in my head. At the end of, your word choice conveyed the intensity and the chaos of the situation occurring in the story. This setting and backstory would make for a great novel!
ReplyDeleteCaptured my attention, lots of descriptive language, and a very large vocabulary. Very creative and interesting.
ReplyDelete-Anthony Absher
Your story caught my attention right away because it was different. I have never read a piece like this before, it was interesting to read something outside the box. Your use of detail and imagery enhanced the story quite nicely.
ReplyDeleteThe amount of imagery used is absolutely beautiful. I felt as if I were there and witnessing the events
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