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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Ben

Raven

My grandfather has told me stories of how the world was before “Raven”, before the cameras would pursue you through every part of your day. He would tell me the stories of buildings you could go to and order your food, and places you could go to watch a movie. Of course now everything is chosen for us by the “bird” himself. Every morning I wake up to see a small red light pointed at me, watching my every move, I then go and fix my breakfast as the camera stalks me like a hungry vulture. The food like everything is chosen for us. Today, much like every day was oatmeal. I look through my wardrobe, there isn't much of a decision considering everything in the room is white. Suddenly my door swings open and a long somewhat endless looking tunnel is revealed. To me this is normal, but my grandfather would do anything in his power to disobey “Raven” even if it means taking lashes for the offense. Sometimes I wonder how it would be to not be closed in on myself, Its hard for me to imagine a world not in white, not having a directed path, not being spied upon by every waking hour. That is why I have decided to create a rebellion. I don't know how Im going to do it, or when but I cannot stand being treated as an animal while “Raven” is sitting in a world of color soaking in the light of a real sun. My will burns like fire, and only burns brighter every day.
    Today is school day, school is for ages 10-25 we always start our day by studying addition, and subtraction. Every has already mastered this but if we don't participate we have a chance to either be executed, or be sent to “The Winged One.” Next on the list is history, we spend the rest of our class time “learning” about how terrible the world was before “Raven” everyone knows its a lie but their spirits were broken the second they turned ten. Finally after 6 hours we are released to visit our families for an hour. I walk directly to my grandfather. He’s the only one I have. My parents were executed after trying to start their own rebellion. I sit by him as a few cartoons play on the big screen. Everyone else in the room has their eyes glued onto the screen, it was the only time of the day that we were actually allowed to experience color, even if cartoons only ran for 15 minutes. However today I was very interested in what my grandfather had to say. He looks up at me and grins “Good to see you” he says in a somewhat sickly voice. He hands me a paper under the table at such an angle that the cameras wouldn't see it. It reads “I know how to defeat raven”

92 comments:

  1. Wow. This was so different from anything i've read before and I loved it. It was such an interesting perspective and it really made my think because it parallels a lot to our lives today. (i mean, my mom has made me a frozen waffle for breakfast everyday for 4 years). I also love the whole idea of the "raven" and how the raven has the power to control everyone and everything and I just really enjoyed reading this! I hope you continue to write and expand your ideas :) (maybe even a sequel?)

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  2. A cool story, the symbolism of the Raven and the motifs of birds were clever and provided variety to the text. One thing I think could be improved is to add a variety of word choice to your flash fiction, other than that it was good.

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  3. I loved it. It seemed like one of those Hunger Games/Divergent types of stories. Stories like this allow the writer's imagination to run wild. And you, my friend, have a very active imagination. Keep up the good work!

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  4. I like how your story is about an dystopian society and how you used 'raven' and the symbol for the evil that suppresses everyone. I really like part one of your story, I hope it continues.

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  5. What a great story. It shows how our world resembles the world in your story. A lot of things today are "black and white" and lacks the creativity and complexity the world should have. This was a very good concept and it was very interesting. You have to do more

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  6. Loved how you connected a black and white world with a bird in a cage. It is assuring to feel that there will always be someone plotting to diverge or stray from the conforming black and white path, to be creative. I felt like hope grew as the fiery determination to break free of the Raven's grasp "burned brighter"

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  7. I love the simile "the cameras stalked me like a hungry vulture" because it ties in all of the bird imagery and symbolism into one neat little literary device. You made great choices in this piece and your effort is evident in your writing.

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  8. I understood that even though a young child didn't have his parents to support him, he had his grandfather. Great vocabulary and commentary detail on this paper.

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  9. Very interesting story. And its also really creative. You gave authentic details and imagination. This piece is was well written. Overall good job!!! :)

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  10. This is a interesting story and you really put imagination into this and I like how the story says that is telling us to not be a follower be a leader :)

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  11. You need to publish a second part! I love how descriptive your story is especially with the vivid imagery. Going off of what Jackson said, your novel has a very dystopian feel to it like The Hunger Games and Divergent. Really creative! Great job!

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  12. I feel as this relates to society in a sense. How everyone desires to be the same, the government is always watching us, etc. In a sense, it reminds me a lot of The Hunger Games, Divergent, and Fahrenheit 451. I'm curious as to know how this turns out.

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  13. You have to write another! The story kept me so intrigued throughout, due to your detail and tone. Now I am very curious to how they will defeat the Raven and how the Raven even took over. Excellent!

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  14. This story is creative,interesting, and very descriptive.Loved It!!

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  15. Great job! it was very interesting and creative!

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  16. This story was different however, it was a good different. I really enjoyed it. It made me think about how it compares to our world today and how everyone just hops on the bandwagon. Your use of imagery made me feel like I was actually a part of the "Raven" world. Like everyone has been saying, YOU NEED TO MAKE A PART TWO! I WANT TO KNOW HOW YOU DEFEAT THE RAVEN. Absolutely great job.

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  17. The contrast in a colorless world ruled by a dark bird underlines the contrast between what the people want and what happens very well.

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  18. Fascinating epithets, and I enjoyed how the rebellious trait extended through generations. The minute details added a sense of depth to the story which is not often seen in such short pieces of writing. You did well at molding your own dystopia with little hints of The Giver, Divergent, and A Wrinkle In Time.

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  19. "My will burns like fire, and only burns brighter every day." I LOVE THIS LINE. Please tell me we will find out how to defeat the Raven...
    However, I enjoyed the vivid imagery and imagination. Totally agree with Steph and Jackson about how it can relate with Hunger Games or Divergent, it was the first thing that came to my mind while reading your story. Good job!!

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  20. Interesting story! and very good use of imagination :) I like how this story had a futuristic / dystopian feel to it. Good Job!!

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  21. The setting sets a very key part in your piece. I feel if you had different word choice then this poem would be better. Unfortunately your ending ended very quickly, and let a cliffhanger. If you were more descriptive it would have been better.

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  22. This is very creative and your imagination is great! Amazing work!!

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  23. Amazing story, I read it three times already and it was hard for me to stop reading it

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  24. great use of symbols to represent cameras in the modern world it gives a different sense of how we live today and really makes the reader think about their life! great genre I love this story!

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  25. I loved this, even the title caught my attention but as I started to read, I had to keep going. You really pulled me in, great story

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  26. The color descriptions such as,"Its hard for me to imagine a world not in white," really do convey how restricted this storys world is. I can see how this relates to the real world. We are definitely starting to lose ourselves and creativity is slowly disappearing and the reoccurring theme of rebellion not only here but in the other books others mentioned show that nothing should confine us.

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  27. I loved this story there was alloy of symbols and it was interesting amazing and something I would love to read multiple times and tell others to read as well

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  28. I agree with Kimberly! "My will burns like fire, and only burns brighter every day." This line completely made me breathless and eager to find out more. Im already attached to the main character, which is unlikely for someone like me. Amazing work!
    -Bernadine

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  29. What an interesting story ,so creative . good job !! :)

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  30. This was so interesting! I loved the very descriptive details and how symbolic the Raven was. You also included very good imagery, keep up the good work!

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  31. This was an interesting story. The genre is post apocalyptic society much like Hunger Games, Divergent and the Handmaid's Tale. I enjoyed it, but found the reference to the raven a little confusing. Who is this raven? How did he come to control the world? If you happen to make a sequel, and I hope you do, perhaps you can expand on that next time. I'm anxious to see if the grandfather and boy are executed for their rebellion.

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  32. Amazing imagery and personification! I read on and on to find out more about "Raven" because I wanted to understand it. Anyone would be captivated because it is such an interesting story line.

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  33. This story has such a vibe that gives me a post-apocalyptic mood to it, and I absolutely love it! I can feel the amount of description you had put into it, this story is invigorating. Good job!(:

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  34. What a great story that contributes depth and meaning. Great Job Ben!

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  35. This is such a compelling piece, and I want a sequel! Your diction is incredible and I became so intrigued within just a few lines. Keep up the great work,…we may have a future writer on our hands. :)

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  36. I loved this story. You should make a sequel of this story so we can find out how you could defeat the raven. It's so interesting. I just want to keep reading.

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  37. Really good imagery! I really want to know how to defeat the Raven now.

    it really reminded me of the Hunger Games and I really like that! all in all, great work

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  38. Great writing skills. I am super curious to know how this story ends. It really does remind me of some of my favorite books like the Hunger Games. Great job grabbing the readers attention right from the beginning.

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  39. From the opening, your piece really captivated me. Overall, it is very reminiscent of a futuristic dystopian novel. Great job!

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  40. Seriously if this were to become a full on book I would most definitely be intrigued to read it. Your vision of the future is interesting and I think pieces like these, ones that really require much imagination, are the best kinds. I'm definitely left wondering what happens in the rest of the story. You were also so detailed that I made a trailer to this book in my head haha. Thank you!

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  41. Wow!! Really great job. This is piece is very creative and does an awesome job at catching the readers attention!

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  42. Great job,the beginning kept reading! Overall this piece was used with vivid imagery and very detailed! Well done

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  43. Maybe a few errors on grammar but other than that, I anticipate for a novel of some sort. It should continue on! This was a delicious meal that my eyes consumed.

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  44. I enjoyed reading this piece so much, I had to reread it twice to make sure I received every detail in your story. Your symbols in your story were very strong.

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  45. I love reading stories that take place in the future! We never know how the world may turn out

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  46. I love reading stories that take place in the future! We never know how the world may turn out

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  47. I don't think it was what you were going for, but I got the images of concentration camps. Your diction is so captivating! It made me want to keep reading! Excellent job and I would love to read more of your work!

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  48. You captured my attention real well in the beginning after I read the end I wanted to read more and more great job

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  49. the beginning really brought me in the story and that is definitely a big plus! Great read

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  50. From the first word to the last word the story was captivating. Very nice job. Great job grabbing my attention! keep up the good work.

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  51. I loved your use of detail, and overall this was a very beautiful piece.
    I would really like to know how the story ends.

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  52. I liked this story because it reminded me a lot of Native American because they have so much symbolism.Great piece!

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  53. I particularly enjoyed how you said, "Everyone else in the room has their eyes glued onto the screen." It really showed the sharp contrast on how the vast majority of people around him are indoctrinated by the Raven while the speaker and his grandfather are not, creating a sense of interest for the reader on what they will do with this freedom of mind.

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  54. Very good story! It was creative and I can tell you put everything you have learned into this story! Make a sequel!

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  55. I received an instant hunger games/ divergent feel from this flash story and absolutely admired it. Your writing is impressive and very enjoyable. Personally this was one of my favorite pieces just because of your imagery and details in the story. It was a wonderful piece of work !

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  56. your writing is very capturing, right from the beginning I didn't want to stop reading.it is also very descriptive. I really wants to know what happens next. i also think it is very symbolic of social media today and the pressure people are surrounded by every day.

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  57. Thank you all for commenting. I recently watched "The Giver" after writing this, and it is incredibly similar so if I were to make a sequel I think I would need to go a very different route than I was planning to.

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  58. Anarchy is such a great read on any platform, yours was no exception. Really liked how the mysterious description of "Raven" allowed for a more shrouded tone of civility and order. I'd like to hear what happens next!

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  59. Dang Ben! I knew that you wrote a flash fiction but this is way beyond my expectations. I love how it displays a dystopian society and an controlling figure. Very well done though word choice good be expanded, it definitely deserves an A. Perhaps you should continue with this story. I love it and hope to see more. Great job!

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  60. This really grasped my attention. It sounds like our future society if we keep heading down the path we're going which revolves around technology and making us as if we cannot think for ourselves. I think you did a great job and you should write a part 2.

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  61. wow from the beginning to the ending it kept my attention. the ending with the letter was a cliff hanger, what did you do, what was your expression?

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  62. I really liked this piece, and it also reminds me of all of the book series I read such as the hunger games or divergent and harry potter in a way. great work, caught my attention pretty fast
    -jaedon adan

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  63. This is a very great piece and love it. I love the opening to the story because it just grabs my attention and it made me just very curious about what you were going to write about. As I kept reading, this was very similar to a movie and at the end, I really wanted to know what happens next!! You should totally write a sequel to this also such a SUPERB job :) P.S if you ever become a writer, I will totally read your books and keep writing!

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  64. Very different story and lots of use of imagery

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  65. This piece really caught my attention. I liked the plot although it was hard to interpret, it was still really good. I hope to read more pieces like this one.

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  66. Wow this story is an attention grabber right from the beginning! Love the title

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  67. This is amazing. It looks like the intro to a very interesting book. I would love to know what was the event that made all the kids "broken" at the age of ten. The ending was very intriguing and would make for a great novel.

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  68. Viewing our current times in a vintage light shows how there is always room for improvement, and our seemingly modern and high tech times will soon be obselete and laughable, you provided a foreboding out come for the future

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  69. The comparisons were great, and I enjoyed the overall creativity. The simile "I then go and fix my breakfast as the camera stalks me like a hungry vulture" really caught my attention. Awesome work :)

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  70. Great piece very interesting from beginning to end!

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  71. Your story intrigued me very much. I had to continue to read because I was fascinated with who or What "Raven " was/is.

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  72. I liked the descriptive imagery you used and it was overall a great creative story.

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  73. I find it ironic that you used birds as a motif for your piece since they usually represent freedom. But your choice of birds are the predators and have dark connotations to them. Nice work. I really liked reading this. If there was a book based on this idea I would read it.

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  74. The application of the name the "Raven" makes one question WHY exactly it was named as such. I hope to see a sequel because an ending like this just leaves one wanting more!

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  75. This piece was very original.I loved the imagery,the symbols,and the metaphors. I would like to read more.

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  76. Very good story it as a really good meaning to it .

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  77. That's sick dude! That definitely isn't the most proper grammar there is but your writing was so good I can't describe how good it was while using proper grammar. I felt like i was watching a movie trailer, if that was a movie trailer I would most definitely watch that movie. Great work!

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  78. This was a fascinating story. I was captivated by your imagination because it reminded me so much of the hunger games. Towards the end it had me wondering what will be the solution to defeat the raven.

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  79. I read it about 2 times it was very interesting to me, fantastic imagery as well. You should really type a second part great job!

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  80. CREATIVE, i want to read more Good job :)

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  81. This really made me think and wanting to read more! You have very great writing skills, thanks for sharing.

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  82. A masterpiece, original story with quite interesting figurative languages. The structure of the story is very neat and the strong ideas that are expressed in such a short story should be praised.

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  83. Ben, this piece is so interesting! I like how you used lots of details to explain just what it was like to live under the watch of the Raven. Dystopian works are so intriguing and I hope that you do choose to write a sequel, because this seems like the perfect beginning to a novel of this genre.

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  84. Incredible story plot. It really pulled me deeper into reading it as i was going along. I wish there was more, like a part 2. Great job. :)

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  85. i love the imagery and the the creativity

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  86. Oh man the ending was just full of suspense. This got me all riled up on my seat to be honest. I really am looking forward to a sequel! Best luck to you sir!

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  87. I'm quite impressed. Before reading your story I pondered what it might be about, based off of the title. I'm not exactly sure what I had imagined, but my guesses were probably way off. I liked the story because it reminded me of the Hunger Games because of the way the society is portrayed; but it mostly reminds me of The Giver because of similarity of the relationships between the main character and grandfather in your story and The Giver and main character Jonas of the before mentioned novel. What I liked most about your piece was that it made me wonder who "Raven" is and what will happen if the story continues. I would definitely read this is if it were to become a book. Well done!

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  88. "My will burns like fire, and only burns brighter every day." This is my favorite line !!!! You did a great job. I actually wanna know what happens in the end; so add a part two ! (:

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  89. I was on the edge of my seat, biting my nails from all this suspense. Fingers crossed you write more. Salute to you sir, you are an amazing writer.

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