How to Make Friends--Daniel

So, you don’t have any friends. And you wanna change that don’t ya. Well, my dear dear reader, you came to the right place. All humans, despite what big social media tells you, are all the same. Despite superficial differences like “personality” or “unsurmountable, fundamental disagreements about your political, religious, moral or social views”, you can be friends with anyone if you follow my state-of-the-art tips. After all, we’re all the same flesh and bones from here to places faraway like, i dunno, Iowa or something. With these 10 simple tips, you can go from a lonely loser to a slightly less lonely loser. 

And these tips work! These tips are derived from my own experiences making friends. And I never had a helpful “How To” guide like you do. I had to do this whole “making friends” thing the hard way. Just for you (and no one else😊), I’ve boiled down the things I’ve learned over many years in the art of friendship-building into 10 simple, easy to follow tips. Following these tips, I’ve gone from zero friends to two whole friends (yes, I have that many😎). Without further ado, let’s get on to the reason you are here. The meat and bones of the whole Christmas roast. The main course of the dinner and main event of the pay-per-view. The steps are as follows: 

1. Follow Every Tip of this Guide Exactly to the Letter 

Ok, I lied. This isn’t actually one of the 10 tips in the guide, but it’s still very important for you to know. You must, and I mean MUST, follow every single one of the tips of this guide to get success. To do otherwise risks adverse failure, major emotional trauma and the total collapse of human civilization itself. 

2. Don’t Follow Every Tip of this Guide Exactly to the Letter

“Plans are nothing, planning is everything” - Anthony ”Tony Stark” Stark. Everything is situational, especially making friends. This plan, however perfectly concocted it may be, must be adapted to particular circumstances you are in. Certain people respond to certain tips (like Tip 10 for example) better than others, so make sure to observe, respond and react to situations to implement my strategies yo. 

Ok, here’s 10 actual tips to make friends. 

1. Don’t Be Weird 

Yeah, uh. People don’t like spending time with weirdos. So stop being weird and stuff ya know? 

2. Don’t Be Yourself

If you have to follow this guide, there’s something wrong with you and your personality. No offense, but it’s true. People don’t want what you have to offer. They want extensions of themselves. So don't tell them about your lifelong passion for gardening or your love of renaissance fairs, and try to be the type of person they’d want you to be. After all, I’d bet all the money in my bank account (2.50 dollars) that being yourself is why you need this guide anyway. 

3. Don’t Be Choosey

 “Beggars can’t be choosy” These words by Nobel Poet Laureate Eninem are true. If you want friends, you have to be open to everyone. And I mean everyone. Try to befriend everyone you see whether it’s a 3rd grader, the carver at Old Country Buffet, the divorced middle aged mother of 3 at the DMV, anyone. Any person you don’t try to befriend is an opportunity for friendship lost. So go out there on the busy town street and try to talk to everyone you see. To the passerby, you’ll seem like a desperate person. A desperately interesting person!!!

 4. Always Agree with Them AKA the “Pray They’re Not A Nazi” technique. 

Disagreement is almost always a source of conflict. Conflict avoidance is essential to maintain good, entirely positive relationships with your prospective friends. Never voice your own opinion unless you want to risk utterly destroying the friendship you’ve worked so hard to make. Agree with them on everything, even controversial topics. In fact, especially controversial topics so that they can truly know how compatible the two of you are. Just because you agree with them doesn’t necessarily mean you actually feel that way. If I was everything I’d agree with people with, I’d be a social justice warrior neo-Nazi, a climate change denying environmentalist and a misogynistic feminist incel lover of the US military while simulatainously being a member of Al-Qaeda. All those things aren’t true (well, mostly), yet I still said them to gain friends. So agree, agree, and most importantly, AGREE! 

5. Make Eye Contact 

People love having attention to themselves (narcissistic scumbags). One of the best ways to show people attention is eye contact. Eye contact is a simple yet eminently effective way of showing someone that you are, in fact, interested in them. The connection between eye contact and interest has even been proved mathematically. As you should know, the Pythagorean Theorem states that eye contact is directly proportional to the level of interest shown to someone. Thus, to a prospective friend, the more eye contact the better. Whether it’s face-to-face, across the classroom, or from several miles away, keep up the eye contact. And when it comes to eye contact, staring is the best. So stare at them constantly so they know you’re really interested in them as a friend. 

6. Learn More About Them 

The more you know about someone, the closer you are to that person. Closeness, as you can expect, is correlated with friendshipness. The closer you are, the better friends you are. Thus, you should try and get all the information you can on a prospective friend. There are many ways to do this. Search up their name in Google, stalk respectfully browse their social media accounts, break into the FBI headquarters to get their personal files, hire a private investigator. The possibilities are truly endless. All information you can scrooge up about them can and should be used in conversations with them. After all, bringing up their mother’s maiden name, their baby brother’s social security number, and the exact size of their ex-boyfriend’s left pinky finger are all splendid conversation topics to talk about. And even if they’re “weirded out” and “want you to get the hell away from them” after you bring some information up, blackmail is always a way to get friends. 

7. Pretend to be interested in their hobbies 

Not everything about a person is interesting. Believe me, watching prospective friends while they sleep to learn more about them gets boring sometimes. However, it is imperative that you, at the very least, feign interest in the things they’re interested in so they know just how much you care about them. Even if you find what they like stupid, keep being “interested”. After all, people tend to have friends who share their interests. Cheat the system by sharing all of their interests while actually being interested in none of them! 

8. Always be Available 

Availability is the best ability. Thus, the more availability you are, the more best ability you are. Opportunities to spend time with prospective friends lost due to busyness are opportunities to build up your friendships squandered. And remember, there’s no reason good enough to be too busy for your friends. Maybe you have a job, quit it to be available. Maybe you wanna go out to get some gourmet Mexican food at Del Taco, don’t go. Don’t fill up your schedule at all and be AVAILABLE. In this way, you can immediately respond to your friends if they hit you up, even if it’s 3 AM on a work day. In fact, use this availability to spent more time with your friends. If they’re busy at work, go up to them at work and spend your entire day over there. Call them up constantly no matter if it’s 5:30 AM or 7 PM. If you don’t know their number, use tip 6. Show how much you want to spend time with your prospective friends by always being there for them, even if they file a restraining order against you. Violating a court order will only show how much you really want their friendship.

 9. Be Rich

 In my personal experience, this is the most effective tip I have to give you. After investing my life savings (5 bucks) into GameStop stock, I managed to raise my net worth from 10 dollars to 17 million dollars. Of course, with my new found wealth, I splurged on expensive purchases like “Burger King” and “paying off my student loans from the University of Phoenix”, which naturally attracted a lot of attention to myself. People (2 of them) soon came flocking to my door and they seemed to reciprocate the interest I had in getting new friends. They even talked about diverse, interesting topics such as “can I have some money” and “could I have more money please”. Naturally, being the nice person I am, I treated my friends as I would myself. Now I’ve run out of money and have to take out pay-day loans to keep up appearances, but I wouldn’t trade the genuine human connection I have with my new friends for the world. So get that paper dawg, and maybe new potential friends will come flocking to you like they did me. 

Fun Fact: This tip will also be in the planned sequel to this guide which will be called “How to Get A Girlfriend”. This sequel will be released as soon as I get one, so never so very soon haha knock on wood. 

10. Uh yeah I know I said that there were ten tips, but uh, I can’t be bothered to write more. 

If you enjoyed this guide and want more, you should donate to my bitcoin wallet at “n32B4DTWaKJEtNzBbNoGmyAeV1LXwnGEXy” to support me getting out of my parent’s basement. I hope you use this guide to turn your lonely, useless, and honestly pathetic lives into something slightly more meaningful. bye.