Unexpected--Belen

Music is meaningful, beautiful, and entertaining. The artists who dedicate themselves to their art(music), continuously share who they are through their lyrics. These artists are constantly in the limelight. Fans support, care, and cheer on their idols(artists). We as fans tend to forget that our idols are humans too. They also have their inner demons, that torment them every single day of their lives. The artists who are open about their struggles with depression, anxiety, ect, to their fans, are brave and view their fans and group members as their family. What you don’t expect is for that family to suffer a loss, so out the blue.
It was December 18, 2017. Finals week was here and I was overly stressing. As usual after waking up, I checked my instagram to help me wake up more. Just casually scrolling through my feed I saw fan accounts posting about Kim Jonghyun, a member of my ultimate k-pop bias group SHINee, in the hospital due to a suicide attempt. “This can’t be true,” was my first thought. As I continued to scroll down, news articles were confirming his death. That is when I completely lost it, the entire time I was getting ready for school, I cried. The company he was signed under, confirmed his death in an official statement. “It’s real and I hate this,” was the thought that kept resurfacing throughout the entire day and week. Upon arriving to my first final, Spanish AP Literature, I felt numb and disoriented. I sat down with my final in front of me, feeling jittery because I was afraid of reality and the fact that I had to take my final as I was struggling to hold my tears in. I was nervous about not being able to hold it together and if I was going to pass my final. After my first final, we had fifteen minutes of break until we had to go to our second final of the day. I was cold and hugged myself to feel comfort. I went to the restroom before my math final started and allowed myself to cry. I needed that to allow me to move on to the next

challenge, passing my math final. Once I got home, I started to study for my next finals. I constantly broke down and thankfully my friend texted me throughout the entire day. She helped me through my thoughts and emotions, reassuring me that it was okay to cry and let it all out. I couldn’t fathom the thought that one the most talented, wonderful, and courageous artist I had ever known committed suicide and was gone with the blink of an eye. The entire fandom was aware of his depression because he was very open about it and composed many songs depicting his struggle. Never did it occur to me that he was in too deep. Kim Jonghyun was a man who smiled, laughed, had an ugly cry and loved his livelihood. I ask myself , what could’ve we done as fans for him to not believe that the only way out of his torment was taking his life. Another is, what will it take for the society in South Korea to realize that depression is not a weakness but something that is serious and those who happen to be its prisoners, need the utmost attention and help.
This event demonstrated to me that I should cherish those who I love because I may not have them in my tomorrow, for whatever reason. That it doesn’t matter if you have everything or nothing, your inner demons will always torment you. It’s going to be a year in less than two weeks, since he passed away. I still cry and am unable to listen to his solo music and his music with his group members. His voice brings back beautiful memories but those memories seem to be the most painful to reminisce. I’m hoping that by me writing about this event it will allow my heart to heal more. I tend to hold back on listening to any music that is related to him because I have not written a farewell letter, expressing my thoughts and feeling about the event to him. I now know that it does not matter if whether or not you know the person you cared about so much, in person or not. It doesn’t matter if you’re just a fan and that person an idol. They hold a

special place in your heart and nothing can change that. Losing someone to suicide will never be easy and it’ll be hard to cope with. The unexpected happened in my life....Rest In Peace Kim Jonghyun.