Tuesday, September 4, 2018
Homecoming--Deacon
Sam sat quietly on her bed; Her face tense and nervous. She had on her favorite dress, with a big bow across her waist, she had only worn it once before. This was a big day, her first school dance. She didn’t think she would ever be allowed and here she was, ready for her special day. She took a deep breath, slipped on her heels, and stood up. She said to herself uneasy, “ I’m ready.” With one step after the other, she made her way into the hallway; her breath started getting heavier as she made her way to the living room at the end of the hallway, she didn’t know what to expect. As she came into view her mother and father lighted up with joy. They quickly ran to her and hugged her with glee, knowing this was a big step for their daughter. While her parents were overwhelmed with joy her date, Ron, was astonished. “You look amazing,” he said. She blushed and pushed her bangs back as her parents slide away, “ Are you ready to do this?” he said as he held his arm out for her. She could barely hold herself together, Everything was playing out just the way she dreamed. They slowing made their way out the door and her parents waved her goodbye as they made their way to the car. Sam, already flustered by Ron and her parents looked up astonished as Ron opened the door to a limonene. He noticed and asked if she was okay. She could no longer talk, for she had no idea what to say, she simply nodded and slipped inside. As she sat down she looked up to see she was engulfed in darkness, Ron was nowhere to be seen. In fact, there were no doors, no seats, no ceiling, Sam was alone... A sharp sound surrounded her as she felt her entire body felt heavier and heavier until she sank into her bed and her eyes opened. When she woke up she was surprised to find “Ron and Claude” playing on her tv and her mother at the door. “Are you ready?” she asked. “For what?” she responded. “Oh for your dance of course!.” Her mother asked for her hand and led her out to the living room where she found streamers across the ceiling, party hats on her father, a small radio, and a banner across the back wall that said,” Homecoming. With a large sigh, she muttered to herself, “I’m never going to leave home, Homecoming is just as it sounds, at home.” Her mother quickly added before she pressed play off the radio, “ don’t forget to finish assignment 12 before you have cake.”
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Oof, poor Sam. I like how it leaves me guessing if she's homeschooled or her parents are just super strict. The descriptiveness of the story was great, especially with the transition into the reality that Sam is in.
ReplyDelete-Zeke
i enjoyed reading your work, it left me pondering the state of her household as a strict household or a sheltered one, your details were super and i could imagine everything in my head using your description. you really played your cards well and made the reader feel his emotions take a downfall when it was revealed that she was dreaming.
ReplyDelete_Nat_
I did not expect that plot twist! I enjoy the vivid imagery you provided through Sam's perspective, as it allowed me to fully grasp everything Sam was thinking/feeling. I also enjoy the twist of the definition of Sam's "Homecoming". After reading through it all, the story makes me feel sort of bad for Sam because her vision did not match her reality.
ReplyDeleteThat story was amazing! I really was not expecting that ending. You had a great way of describing the story to make it feel like I was actually there. You’re such a great writer!
ReplyDeleteI know everyone is saying this, but the plot twist really made your piece stand out. At first it seemed like a very basic story but the end leaves you with so many unanswered questions making it much more complicated than just a "homecoming."
ReplyDeleteWow this was such an interesting story. You tied every detail together perfectly, from her nervousness about going to the dance to the tv show to finishing her assignment. The story ended and I was left thinking about how miserable Sam must feel. Great job!!
ReplyDeleteIn your piece you used really good imagery and descriptive phrases which I enjoyed a lot. The ended left me wondering what would happen next and I wanted to read more. Good job
ReplyDeleteWoooah, I really enjoyed your story because you adeptly used imagery and description to immerse the audience in Sam's thoughts. You well presented Sam's nervousness because I'm sure that many other people, especially high schoolers, have had that same tension before experiencing their first dance or social event. Also, I like awesome twist towards the end because it definitely keeps the audience intrigued and involved in Sam's life and situation. I think that you captured her disillusionment of her reality versus her expectations extremely well. Nice work!
ReplyDeleteThe plot twist was so unexpected. I could relate to Sam's feelings because they were similar to how I felt for my first school dance. The imagery made me feel as if I was watching it all unfold in front of me. Awesome piece! -Belen
ReplyDeleteThis kind of hits home for me since I'm not allowed to go to dances, and my parents want me home on those days most of the time. You captured that disappointment and excitement really well, I hope you character someday does get to go to her actual Homecoming :)
ReplyDelete-Sadaf
Great story! I was not expecting that plot twist and you added it in at the perfect time. All the emotions you described were felt and your descriptive language had an amazing effect, placing the reader directly into the scene.
ReplyDeleteI was intrigued by the title and was literally sitting on the edge of my chair by my computer because I felt like I could almost relate with my parents. I was just sitting there getting anxious and excited as I kept reading because I felt the plot twist coming! This story, I felt, really pulled the reader in and you felt like you were in Sam's shoes no matter if you're allowed to go to homecoming or not, I think it's about so much more and was definitely a good read! Very impressive and keep writing with your bad self!!
ReplyDelete-Maeve Domond :)
Wow, I truly enjoyed this piece because you managed to capture the reader's emotions of bewildering excitement and left me very engaged into the story within Sam's character and perspective of going to homecoming vs. the reality of it.
ReplyDeleteI love your fictional story because it reminds me of me with the line, "Everything was playing out just the way she dreamed." I tend to imagine things with more detail and the disappointment reminds me that I fantasize too much. I loved your use of imagery and how you used Sam's perspective instead of an outside view, it made it very realistic. Amazing job Deacon!
ReplyDeleteDeacon, have you considered writing stories for a living? This story is the literal epitome of "Don't get your hopes up". I felt so bad for Sam when I read that she woke up from her bed. That was an astounding twist to change the tone of the story, and it felt so natural as if it was meant to be that way. Your story gave me a good laugh Deacon, so please keep up the good work. You've got a great sense of humor in real life, and I'm glad I could see it online as well!
ReplyDeleteThis is a really good story! I felt kind of played with the plot twist, but it was still a nice ending that left me wanting to read and know more about Sam's scenario. Good job! -Diana
ReplyDeleteWow! I seriously did not expect that plot twist as i was immersed in the plot due to your amazing description and usage of vivid imagery. I loved how you added that last detail," don’t forget to finish assignment 12 before you have cake." to end off the short story. It definitely lighten up the mood and was a creative way to end it! Great Job!
ReplyDeleteVictoria Ervin
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your story, it captivated me right away. I liked the use of imagery you incorporated in your story and the unexpected plot twist at the end. You did a good job at giving the character's personality throughout your story.
You really got me there Deacon. The way this piece was set up, the reader would have never thought off that ending. While i was reading this, I thought to myself, How will this end? Happy?, Sad?, or a typical ending to any story that has the title "Homecoming". The ending was a really big curve ball thrown at us. Also the timing this piece was done was on point! We just had Homecoming season so many reader will know the feeling that your character was feeling, at least in the first part of the story. I loved it when you connected the show that was playing on the TV and her mom asking is she is ready to how she saw her date and herself. A job well done deacon!
ReplyDelete-EJ Zuniga
The Ending was originally more flushed out with more connections in her dreams and her reality, but due to the limited number or words it had to be reduced to the few relations you pointed out. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Delete-Deacon Ortiz
The description and imagery in your passage is really amazing, it felt like I was living it as I read it. The shift from the excitement of going to the dance to the disappointment when she wakes up was executed well, it caught me by surprise. Really loved it! -Maria Rosa
ReplyDeleteThis story was awesome! The descriptions and details were great as I watched the scenes play out in my head. That plot twist was excellent, and I subconsciously inched closer and closer to my computer as I was ready this. The great use of imagery really stood out to me as I envisioned the whole story scene by scene.
ReplyDelete-Jacob
Wow! That took a unexpected turn! It spoke to me in the sense that I was home schooled for quite a while and I know how Sam felt when she came to the realization that she isn't the typical teenager. The way that this story was so short, but so well written and thorough really shows your writing ability and lets it shine! I really enjoyed this!
ReplyDeleteReally cool perspective on picture taking and photo editing! You touched on a lot of advice that I hadn't even thought of such as adding grain to backgrounds to increase the vibrancy of the photo. I will definitely be using some of your tips when taking pictures !
ReplyDeleteNico.. i never talked about photos :3
DeleteReally cool, different story idea! Was not expecting the ending which created a shift in the tone of the story from sad and disappointment to excitement and hope, only to be changed again with the very last line which leaves me wondering how Sam feels. Good job!
ReplyDeleteInteresting story. The great use of imagery made me connect to the character sam much more. I thought it was interesting how the twist in the end left me wondering about her home life and connection with her parents. Great read!
ReplyDeleteI love the unexpected shift in the story, the story was very intriguing as it was constantly making turns of excitement and downfalls. I really love how you incorporated so much so well in a small story ! - Alexia
ReplyDeleteThe mood and emotion shift was really good, i felt it added a certain depth to the story and made we want to hear more. The plot twist at the end was very unexpected and kind of left the reader wanting to know what happens next. Overall, great story! Very well thought out and creative, the concept was something familiar but the plot twist made it stand out.
ReplyDelete- Abrianna
Sam was supposed to later see how other students drove off their driveways in the window, sitting at her dinner table with her home work and her cake but the story couldn't be too long. I'm glad the plot twist kept you from leaving the story :D
DeleteI felt like I was reading a best seller, keep it up Deacon! You really know how to engage your readers and keep them at the edge of their seats, I am so intrigued to know what happens to Sam and Ron like WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!?! Your imagery is outstanding and I could picture every scene in my head vividly. Lastly, I love how you used a familiar subject such as as homecoming- something we can all relate to.
ReplyDeleteThe idea for the homecoming story came to me a month before. Knowing that homecoming was coming up soon I saw the opportunity. If I end up rewriting and adding onto to it, I'd be sure to incorporate the aesthetic of our own homecoming as well as some of the sights. Thanks for the comment :)
DeleteI love the plot twist in this story. It really had me on my feet. The vivid imagery and description of the story left me wanting the read more.
ReplyDeleteI loved the turn in the story! It also had a very good ending and I loved the way your story was set up. -Zoe
ReplyDeleteI'm not afraid to admit that this story caught me off guard. I always enjoy a little twist at the end of stories I read and I'm glad to have had the pleasure of experiencing pure surprise. The ending to me almost seems bittersweet. It's unfortunate that she can't go to a real high school homecoming dance but at least her friends and family make an effort to make the most out of her situation.
ReplyDelete-Michael Pursley
Great job Deacon! The plot twist cot me completely by surprise. You made me feel sorry for Sam, because your descriptiveness made story really come to life and made me feel I was there experiencing this with Sam. And for that Deacon, I applaud you.
ReplyDeleteDeacon, I really enjoyed reading your story! I love readying short stories such as this one keeping me on my toes wondering what is going to happen next. Your use of imagery is outstanding. Good Job! :)-Jazmine Hernandez
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this short story! I actually really liked the imagery you used throughout the piece. The shift brought an series of emotions and I keep thinking of alternative ways of how the story would be different in many ways! overall, this is very good work! -Garret Janikowski
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your piece, because I love the element of surprise and humor in writings. Further I thought it was super creative especially because some of us can relate to this experience or something like it and since homecoming was just this weekend I found it even more humorous.
ReplyDeleteWell played, well played. I enjoyed this very much because it had so many unanswered questions with not so many words. For me towards the end I wondered if maybe she was sick in some way and had to stay home not allowed to go out. Especially since her two friends sat in her room with her, not at the real dance themselves. I also enjoyed it because I believed I had her night figured out that maybe it would end with her getting to the dance. Maybe it would go well or have a plot twist or would turn out to be horrible. Though you didn't do either and did the unexpected. Your imagery and transitioning was done very well too. I can happily say i'm a huge critic when it comes to reading, especially fictional narratives because I myself am a writer but you did very well. I loved how it was also short and sweet, not dragged out but just right to get your point and the effect efficiently across.~
ReplyDeleteI loved the plot twist at the end of the story. I like the way you approached the story line it was creative. I would like to know what the next part of the story would be.
ReplyDelete- Roman Santos
I love the sudden twist and turn of events. The story left me guessing and wanting more. Not only that, it was very appropriate for high school students being that we just had our own homecoming. -Toby
ReplyDeletethe way this was written was very impressive and as i read it i truly felt the emotions throughout the story. the imagery was also amazing and allowed me to really enjoy the story along with the fact that i love books and story's that have really good plot twists like this one.
ReplyDeleteWOW! I'm just impressed as many of us are with the twist. The realism of Sam's dream and the intricate details added to engage the readers to feel the anxiety towards any major event were executed to perfection. -Luke Aguirre
ReplyDeleteThe plot twist was unexpected, yet very enjoyable to read as the events unfolded. This story was like two stories in one: a dream and reality. As the audience, I could feel how Sam felt when she woke up from her dream into the dreary reality of her strict parents and home lifestyle. I admire the way you used relatively common diction to convey a deeper meaning to reveal a relatable high school struggle that many students of our age may experience. - J. Wang
ReplyDeleteVery creative and interesting story! Devices such as imagery, mood and tone makes your piece breathtaking and thorough. Also I liked your way to express Sam's concerns and desires about homecoming through humor and unexpected ending.
ReplyDeleteIt was amazing how vivid the imagery was in your description of the dream, it made the plot twist even more unexpected.Also, the change in the tone allowed the audience to feel the disappointment that Sam felt when she woke up from her dream.- Sydney Scipio-Smith
ReplyDeleteWhy are Sam's parents ridiculously strict cause to be honest same. I enjoyed the 2 stories in one feeling while reading this! -Eric Vercher
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your story! The amount of imagery and description really laid out the scene. I could almost imagine her waking up out of her dream only to realize that it wasn't real. This piece was really well put together. Great job Deacon!
ReplyDeleteI love how detailed the descriptions of the events in the dream were and how as the story progressed, I could feel Sam's anxiety towards Homecoming, only to be surprised by the reality of the situation Sam actually is living. -Gabriel Villanueva
ReplyDeleteI love how detailed the descriptions of the events in the dream were and how as the story progressed, I could feel Sam's anxiety towards Homecoming, only to be surprised by the reality of the situation Sam actually is living. -Gabriel Villanueva
ReplyDeletethe way this was written was very impressive and as i read it i truly felt the emotions throughout the story. the imagery was also amazing and allowed me to really enjoy the story along with the fact that i love books and story's that have really good plot twists like this one. ****Harmony fowler, p5
ReplyDeleteThis piece kept me on my toes through the great use of imagery which set up an anxious tone intensifying the suspense of what was going to happen. I need a little clarity as to if they actually went to homecoming or was it a dream
ReplyDeleteThis was in fact a dream, that is until she woke up, the story goes on saying she went to her own, " Homecoming," at her house due to her parents. I left the situation vague on purpose so you don't really fully understand the piece. Its supposed to be confusing to allow the reader to draw their own conclusions.
Delete--Deacon Ortiz, P.2
I really enjoyed reading how the story altered from a detailed short story describing Sam getting ready for homecoming that was supported by an enlightened and anticipating tone, to a total let-down with a disappointing attitude. I found it interesting how the story was a representation of "waking up to reality" and i loved the pun that was included!"Home"coming. Great job! It was very creative- Brianna Villanueva P.5
ReplyDeleteI really loved reading this piece because once you finish reading, you don't know whether her parents are really strict or if Sam is just homeschooled. I also related to the story since I know how she feels, trapped in her own home, a place where she should feel the most safe.
ReplyDelete