How To: Life After Losing Religion--Kendra

Doubting and questioning what I believed was scary. I was raised in Christianity and had been a follower of the faith for most of my life. Although I was versed in traditional theology, I read the works of philosophers, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews, atheists, and agnostics. While I was a part of the faith, I suppressed my most burning questions because I interpreted them as signs of a wavering foundation that could stabilize once again, only if I prayed a little longer, or sang the lyrics to “Oceans” a little louder this time. A year or so later, I came to a point where the church no longer made sense in the new paradigm of doubt, uncertainty, and mystery.

Love, compassion, moral goodness, generosity, and community are virtues that are traditionally sought in a religious context, but in this blog post, I will attempt to provide a​ ​guide to seeking these virtues outside of religion and living in the secular realm of the world. But, before I begin: readers that are loyal to any one religion may view this as the epitome of arrogance or incompetence. Rather, please view it as a lack of patience; there is hardly enough time in a blog post, or even a book, to get to the point.

I. Compassion and Ethics
Many religions, at one point or another, call us children (regardless of our age)— and they are

correct to do so. Humans are in dire need of moral and ethical guidance. All of our selfish and otherwise unpleasant tendencies can be mitigated and subside if the glimmers of the insights gained in ​metta become more and more of our daily lives. In ​metta​ (loving-kindness) meditation, there is a clear goal to produce a state of mind that can serve as an antidote to the subpar baseline emotions we feel towards ourselves and others (judgment, resentment, jealousy, etc). Over time, the notion of love should shed its transactional form (needing a reason to love someone) and become unbound in its nature. When love is no

longer obscured, loving our enemies can come to us quite easily, just as religion teaches, and we can become more willing to be charitable and more welcoming to strangers.

There are many ethical questions posed to us as humans in the 21st century. Consider, for example, the treatment of immigrants, incarcerated felons, and animals through the lens of loving-kindness. We should be directing loving-kindness to all sentient beings, without limit.

A. Metta​(loving-kindness)
Okay, first: Take a seat, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths. Bring to mind someone you

love— someone for whom it is very easy to feel a wealth of good intentions. This is someone you really want to be happy and free of suffering, without reservation. It can be a friend, a sibling, or a parent. Bring this person to mind in whatever way you can. Think, “May you be happy, may you be free from suffering. May you live a life of peace and joy and ease.” It may seem contrived, at first. But just recall this person and think “may you be happy” and ​feel​ that intention; let that feeling ​expand​ and reduce your self-concern​.​ What does it feel like to wish that someone else be free from suffering, and ​really​ wish it, from the core of your mind? If you feel your mind softening, and this feeling of loving-kindness growing in intensity, change the person you are thinking about to someone more neutral. It can be someone who works in a store that you frequently visit or someone you saw on the street today— any person at random for whom you don’t have strong feelings. Bring this person to mind and think these same thoughts: “may you be happy, may you be free from suffering. May you escape the worst sorrows of this life. May you experience deep friendships. May your hopes be realized.” As you bring this person to mind, recognize that you actually want them to be happy. What does that feel like? See if you can fall into the well of those good intentions. Finally, spread this feeling of loving-kindness to everyone in our city.

II. Spirituality
We must distinguish spirituality from religion; in this context, what is meant by “spirituality” is

dissolving the illusion of the self or the “thinker” of thoughts; that being said, it is important to not lose the nobility of feeling if one decides to abandon the doctrine. Through “meditation” and “mindfulness,”

keeping these virtues within your grasp is more explicable than it sounds. However, “meditation” and “mindfulness” are words that have been thrown around and become quite distorted (and phony) as a result. I should warn you that the purpose of meditation is ​not​ to “relax” and “become less stressed.” The true purpose of meditation is to become aware of the nature of consciousness in each moment (whether pleasant or unpleasant) and achieve equanimity amid the flux.

There could be many reasons why we hide our true selves (our political beliefs, sexuality, etc.) from our family and friends. Revealing parts of yourself, or rather, shattering their perception of who you are, is frightening. Will they accept us, or just tolerate us? And will they love us the same? When I was asking these questions in regards to religious belief, the question that scared me the most was, “do we live in a vengeful universe that retaliates those who seek a different wisdom?” Truthfully, it took me many months to confidently say that the answer to this is ​no​. Pursuing different understanding sought with integrity takes time, patience, and courage.

For example, what compelled me to stay in the faith for the time that I did was a crippling fear that leaving the faith would bar me from the future I thought I had secured through my commitment. It felt as if certain things were promised: a long and healthy life, a family, a fulfilling career, all of which were aligned to happen at the perfect time, according to a perfect plan. Losing this sense of security left me feeling vulnerable, as the present moment was all I had left. We would spend less time worrying about the future if we resisted the habit of being identified and blown around by every thought and emotion that pops into our consciousness.

A. Vipassana
Every thought or feeling you’ve ever had, good or bad, has arisen then passed away. Think about

a negative emotion you felt yesterday or even a year ago— it isn’t here anymore. It only arises in the next moment if you think about it, and it will once again pass away when you are no longer thinking about it.

If you pay clear attention to an emotion like fear arising in your mind, rather than merely think about all the reasons you have to be fearful, it becomes impossible to stay fearful for more than a few

moments at a time. You cannot stay fearful for a day, or even an hour, without continually manufacturing this emotion. This happens when we think without ​knowing​ that we are thinking. Although meditation won’t keep you from ever becoming fearful again— or angry, or anxious, it can teach you to not stay in these states for very long.

“1. Sit comfortably, with your spine erect, either in a chair or cross-legged on a cushion.
2. Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and feel the points of contact between your body and the chair or the floor. Notice the sensations associated with sitting— feelings of pressure, warmth, tingling, vibration, etc.
3. Gradually become aware of the process of breathing. Pay attention to wherever you feel the breath most distinctly— either at your nostrils or in the rising and falling of your abdomen.
4. Allow your attention to rest in the mere sensation of breathing. (You don’t have to control your breath. Just let it come and go naturally.)
5. Every time your mind wanders in thought, gently return it to the breath.
6. As you focus on the process of breathing, you will also perceive sounds, bodily sensations, or emotions. Simply observe these phenomena as they appear in consciousness and then return to the breath.
7. The moment you notice that you have been lost in thought, observe the present thought itself as an object of consciousness. Then return your attention to the breath— or to any sounds or sensations arising in the next moment.
8. Continue in this way until you can merely witness all objects of consciousness—sights, sounds, sensations, emotions, even thoughts themselves— as they arise, change, and pass away.” (Harris 39-40)

This practice can be the difference between letting a surge of anger dissipate in seconds and ​acting​ on that emotion in ways that taint a whole hour, day, or week of your life.

III. Community and Awe

If you find yourself at odds with the veracity or dogma of religion, realize that it proves to be useful. You don't have to purge yourself of literature, art, music, architecture, traditions, etc. that have religious roots. If you grew up saying grace before each meal, there is no good reason to stop doing that; practice gratitude by taking the time to consider how lucky you are to have food on your table and a roof over your head.

Finally, I suggest that we can turn to science for some perspective, and to once again make us feel small; we can be equally as awestruck by nebulas, black holes, stars, and Saturn’s rings, as we would be if we were looking at Michelangelo’s frescoes of the nine vivid scenes from the Book of Genesis and hundreds of cherubs and prophets towering above us.

IV. A Note on Deconstruction

1. “It can be difficult to tell the difference between things falling apart and things falling together.”

2. 1. You are free. You always have been. You always will be.
   2. You have the right to ask questions as a way to become wise.
   3. It is your right and responsibility to find your own spiritual path.
   4. It is necessary for you to be true to yourself before being true to a community. 5. Recognize your roots but do not allow them to prevent you from changing.
   6. Take charge of your life and live it wisely, compassionately, and joyfully.

   (Hayward)

Works Cited

De Mola, Estefania Loret. “Things Falling Apart and Things Falling Together.” ​Estefania Loret De Mola​, 2 Oct. 2020, www.estefanialoretdemola.net.

Harris, Sam. ​Waking Up​. Simon & Schuster Paperbacks, 2014. Hayward,David.“MyManifestoforSpiritualIndependence.”​Nakedpastor,​ 3Jan.2021,

www.nakedpastorstore.com/blogs/news/my-manifesto-for-spiritual-independence. Origlia, Franco S. Getty Images

“TEDTalks: Alain De Botton--Atheism 2.0.” Performance by Alain De Botton, ​Atheism 2.0​, TED, July 2011, www.ted.com/talks/alain_de_botton_atheism_2_0?language=en.