Untitled--Eric

I remember a time, four years ago exactly, when I found out I was adopted. And although this doesn’t help the case of an emotionally abused/unstable, 5’8 (at the time), african american boy whos happiness was clouded with thoughts that a child shouldn’t have, with hardly any friends in the first place along with no clear indications of anyone liking him; I remember feeling happy, as I looked over at my father eyes knowing in no way more than a document I was related to him. I’ve been through and seen some things many other children have too, yet for some reason I internalize everything about my childhood and can only come to the conclusion of how bad, sad and depressing it was, with an ignorant father somehow managed to multiply those feeling by 7x. Walking around with a smile 90% of times was complete bull as 15 minutes before we had gotten to our destination he was calling me a retard because my shoes were untied. Much of my current mindsets are based off of him and what to never do to anyone, let alone the people I care about.
For someone who’s done rocket science, his common sense level is lower than imagined. But besides all that, let’s get to the story.
Roughly a couple months later after finding out about said adoption, me and my dad had the weekend alone together cause my mom was going somewhere. Now although I was a 4.0 student, I definitely lacked in the memorization category. I forgot to do something at the time and my dad had another outburst, different than his usual. My father is a stupid donkey, and he has been my entire life. Time and time again he has consistently had outbursts that has hurt the family, at one point even causing me and my mom to stay in a hotel for a day. I’m not a person to tell all my business to people, but let’s just say the bad has outweighed the good for him in the past 17 years. There always seemed to be something he had to fuss about, or something that always wrong with the two of us. But as I said this one was different. His demeanor was calm and truthful, yet I call it outburst seeing as unnecessary yet clearly needed on his end this was.
He said: “You know, after 13 something years, I regret doing this. I personally shouldn’t have to deal with this. If it weren’t for you, I’d have been divorced your mother and I wouldn’t be here or we wouldn’t have these issues revolving around you. Time and time again you continuously haven’t made my life easier and you can never do the simple things almost as if you’re an idiot. I’m (something something) years old, I shouldn’t have to go through this. I thought you’d be a blessing but... I regret it. I wish we never had adopted you.”
As I walked back into my room and sat in my chair, a lot of things ran threw my mind, but the last thing I said I would do is be hurt again over something he’s said. “Why did he say that? Am I that much of a mistake? Not even my own dad wants me? Why adopt something you don’t want in the first place?” And after all those questions, a sense of euphoria came over me as he slammed the door leaving me in the house alone for a bit. As much as I had hated being alone, for some reason I hated his presence even more at that point. Beyond everything that occured I was still smart enough to say to myself “people show their true colors when they’ve reached a limit, his was clearly 13 years.” Though we’ve moved on from that point as my mom has never

known of this incident, an apology I never accepted, and a fake “love you pops” every now and then, I still hold a huge amount of resentment in my heart. I will forever know that deep down, now the 17th year, he wishes I was never in his life. He’s shown many times that he hasn’t cared about how we feel, besides doing the simple stuff that a “man” should yet barely putting money on the table sometimes isn’t enough... at least for my retarded ass. Ironically though, of course in its own subtle fashion going on my 12th year, I’ve felt the exact same way.